Today has been an exercise in self-control. I woke up at 11:30 to a phone call from Amanda. After my sleep-deprived brain talked her ear off, almost without censorship, I had breakfast and showered and watched the TiVo’ed episode of McLeod’s Daughters (fantastic!). But I was thinking way too much and didn’t want to, so I indulged my OCD tendencies and cleaned the stove top and the outside of the fridge (even organized the magnets). I pulled out my iPaq for some mind-numbing games of Mah-Jong and Pyramid, did some laundry, played my guitar, read a little. All the while, my thoughts were still going nonstop, though a bit quieter. I made dinner, watched some TV. Now I’m tired enough to go to bed (short day!), and thought maybe writing some things down would help sleep come easier and be hopefully interrupted.
Spent Friday afternoon at the State Fair with Amanda and had a good time. After she left to spend the weekend with family, I cleaned house (to be fair, a lot was done while she was still at my house, but I was feeling restless). The living room is actually livable now.
I slept in Saturday, tried to be lazy as I showered and dressed and got ready for the day, but I was really getting ready for a date with no real plans and no place either of us had to be later. I was nervous, anxious, tense. I was carrying my phone in my pocket, so when he called I answered on the first ring, silently berating myself for doing so.
I’m going to see if I can keep this short. Prince Charming picked me up and we went to play Frisbee in the park. We walked around downtown Minneapolis holding hands (stopped to play another round of Foosball – my win, but he was without his glasses, so my 16-14 win doesn’t seem like that great an accomplishment – so I’m now up one game, 2-1), played Scrabble back at my house, grabbed dinner, and watched TV (he picked out Amelie from the roommate’s collection, and then we flipped around cable for a long while). We got cozy on the couch, more so than I’ve been with other guys (though not by much). It was so… comfortable and nice, though that’s probably not how he’d want me to describe it. I love talking with him and spending time with him (he even got the Matea seal of approval). He’d make a really good friend, though I kinda want more (which is technically what dating is, I suppose).
I finally kicked him out at 2:45 a.m. – amazing, since he picked me up at 2, almost 13 hours earlier. He kissed me goodnight, sweetly, and soon after journaling I lost consciousness in bed. He’s all I dreamt about – modifications on how the night could have gone, things that happen in the future, things I probably subconsciously wished had happened but I got in the way of myself.
And then I spent all day Sunday stressing and obsessing and wondering and trying not to do all of it. I wanted to call people and talk, and I didn’t want to at the same time. I’m all confused and don’t know what I think or feel at all, where he’s at, what might happen next. My tummy feels all tingly-weird, like just before going on stage to speak or perform.
He makes me feel good about myself and I’d like to see things work out. That’s a start.
*I have to remind myself that close friends like Amanda and Liz read this frequently, and so I probably shouldn’t post every single thought that comes into my head.
Speaking of Liz, where are you? Are you in this state? Ohio still? Your phone keeps cutting out on me!!! (And when you called on Sunday I was with Prince Charming, so I didn’t try too hard to call you back. You understand.)