Today’s Favorite Song

This was a favorite of mine a while back while we still had VH1 Country, and somehow it’s come back up in the random shuffle on my iPod often in the past several days. It’s one of those “makes you pause and just absorb it” songs. I tried to watch the video on CMT.com, but I can’t make it work. Best of luck to you if you want to try.

“One Moment More” by Mindy Smith

Hold me
Even though I know you’re leaving
And show me
All the reasons you would stay
It’s just enough to feel your breath on mine
To warm my soul and ease my mind
You’ve got to hold me and show me now

Give me
Just one part of you to cling to
And keep me
Everywhere you are
It’s just enough to steal my heart and run
And fade out with the falling sun

Oh, please don’t go
Let me have you just one moment more
Oh, all I need
All I want is just one moment more
You’ve got to hold me and keep me

Tell me that someday you’ll be returning
And maybe
Maybe I’ll believe
It’s just enough to see a shooting star
To know you’re never really far
It’s just enough to see a shooting star
To know you’re never really gone

Oh, please don’t go
Let me have you just one moment more
Oh, all I need
All I want is just one moment more

Oh, please don’t go
Let me have you just one moment more
Oh, all I need
All I want is just one moment more
You’ve got to hold me and maybe I’ll believe

So hold me
Even though I know you’re leaving

Away From The Ledge

I’m attempting to talk myself away from the ledge, aren’t you proud? I’ve got my Mocha Malt Frappuccino. I will eat the apple I brought for breakfast. And I will put Sinatra on my headphones in an attempt to ignore the known universe. At least the sun is shining and it’s warm enough to walk outside. And I have cash in my wallet to stop at the store tonight before SNB to pick up yarn to start the next baby project. Thrilling, I know.

Mom loved her Mother’s Day gift. And sent me a link to a house she’s looking at. In Blaine. She’s got another interview at 1:30, and then is hoping for an in-person one in a few weeks.

Also, I ran the numbers last night for how much shelving I need in my room for books, and… well, the math doesn’t work. I need… 9 4-foot shelves. That’s…. more than a wall’s worth. So I’m going to have to see what Karla thinks about shelves… elsewhere in the house. Like the front room. Not like we actually use it. It just looks usable now. Very important difference. And I need to ask her about Memorial Day. I want to have a picnic. I’m sure she’s OK with it. But I need to be polite regardless.

Back to work. Staring at Access for a bit, I think. Not that that will help my mood – in fact, it most definitely will not. But it’s all I’ve got.

Late Night Thoughts

I just started reading Finding Our Way Home by Mark McMinn. I bought it the last time I was browsing for cheap books on Amazon and set it aside so I’d start it next (after finishing Pride and Prejudice, or which I still have about seven pages that I can’t seem to make it through). It seemed like the kind of book that would… meet me where I’m at, and journey with me, and lead me… on. And I was right. The bus ride over to SNB tonight gave me the chance to read the first chapter. McMinn used an illustration from his own life that I could have written myself, and it resonated deeply with me.

The book is about home. There are many different types of homes, and many different ways we experience it. Sometimes you arrive somewhere and just know you’re home. I felt that way the first time I walked onto Judson’s campus. Sometimes it takes longer – a place grows on you, you have experiences, and it becomes home. Living in Minnesota was that way for me. And sometimes home isn’t a place at all. I came up with a lot of different personal “homes” as I was reading.

Homes Past – places, experiences, memories that were home and will always be remembered that way, but are gone forever. Playing the piano in my childhood home. Running the outdoor track at Judson with Sarah at 11pm. Dinner at 5:30 every weekday as a whole family, and homemade pizza on Saturdays. The piano in the empty sanctuary at my church in Michigan. Chapel at Judson. Laying on my back staring at a sky full of stars in the middle of the field outside our dormitory in Arizona. These are the homes that we long for, choose to remember the good and forget the bad.

Homes Nearby – experiences and places that aren’t everyday, but can be recreated. Starbucks with Betsy. Lying in a hammock with Amanda and Liz (like the summer of 2003). The first smell of hyacinth in the spring. The first sip of White Chocolate Mocha from Starbucks in the fall after summer’s deviation to frappuccinos. During stressful times or a particularly hard day at work, these are the type of experiences I seek out to comfort and calm me.

Homes Present – places, experiences, things that mean home for me right now. Hearing Etta James sing “At Last.” Romeo galloping down the hallway when I first get home from work. Being in Prince Charming’s arms. Nothing in the world could make me give those up.

Homes Future – that which causes my heart and soul to cry out for more, something beyond the now. “Ocean” by Ten Shekel Shirt. Certain books. Worship experiences that are extraordinary. Special conversations that catch me by surprise, often with a stranger or distant acquaintance.

and some other people know that if I get injured and have to be on life support in such a way that there’s really nothing of “me” left, I’m DNR – Do Not Resuscitate. Why? Let me go. I want to go home. Heaven, where I can be with Jesus, and everything is made right. The pull of that home hasn’t been as strong in the past few years; I’ve been much more disengaged from my own spiritual life. But it’s still there, that pull of home, always, and it’s what will eventually motivate me to… re-engage. It’s happening already. The book is helping too. Despite my recent revelations of my disillusionment with the church, I am starting to feel ready to again be active in my own spirituality.

I may not necessarily have figured everything out or be able to put what I have into clear statements, but my original desire to figure out who I am outside of the church, I feel I’ve accomplished that (as much as anyone can define themselves). There’s a separation now – I am my own person and exist independently of any church. (Before it was much closer to a co-dependent relationship, which we all know are unhealthy but hard to get out of.) I feel… healthier, more defined as a person, well-rounded, balanced, and as though I experience a broader part of the world than I did before.

Well, if anyone actually read all the way to the end of this, here’s a question for the comments: what is home to you?

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I was exhausted when I woke up this morning. So much so that I briefly contemplated calling in sick, just so I could get another four hours of sleep. But here I am. I’m tired because of a great weekend that was chock-a-block full of fun stuff, so it’s not all that bad.

Due to a Twins game, OSF plans changed to El Norteno plans. Good times were still had by all, but I still want OSF. We just have to plan better next time. (Parking downtown goes up significantly when there’s a game, and it seems kind of ridiculous to pay $15 for parking when that’s how much the meal was going to be, don’tcha think?)

Saturday we slept in a little bit, but we had lots of things on our “to do” list and not much time. No dawdling at Crate and Barrel, or the Apple store, despite how much Prince Charming or I might have wanted to (can you guess which of us wanted to dawdle at which one?). We got the last of the furnishings for Prince Charming’s bathroom (well, the vases are only temporarily filled with the water and leaf design that we stole from Crate and Barrel, but figuring out exactly what to put in them will take some time, and as far as I’m concerned that means it’s off the “to do” list and more on a “long-term projects” list), including a waste basket, soap, shower curtain, and towels. And he finished building the towel rack sometime on Sunday. It looks really nice (the towel rack and the whole bathroom in general). I found a shower curtain as well, which makes my bathroom look all light and airy. It’s part of the Purging of ’06 (aka getting all traces of Melissa out of my house). Plus we stopped into JC Penney, where I never go but stopped in once with Amanda before Christmas when she was looking for gifts for her parents and I ended up with a bathmat that is only sold there, so I could finally get the matching hand towels. I know, such a crisis. Just kidding.

There was also a trip to Home Depot (for… brackets, I think, and we could price the lumber needed to build my Tetris shelves, which will be a nice summer-long project) and Target. Somewhere in the afternoon, the BBQ was canceled, which meant we had a lot more time to get everything done. Shopping for Easter dinner was done, and was surprisingly less expensive than I thought it would be. We got home and Prince Charming worked on his shelf and other projects while I prepped for Sunday’s dinner. We learned that the yeast I’d brought was too old to work, went out and got store-bought biscuits instead. This week hopefully I can figure out how to make yeast breads (without the bread machine).

Sunday morning we went to church, which was a halfway decent choice. It’s a little strange to try to pick a church for Easter Sunday. I’ve never had to do that before. But they had contemporary music and the sermon was fairly well-done, so it ended up working out. There was much flurry in the kitchen the rest of the day, but all in all I figured that, with the hour of prep on Saturday, Easter dinner only took up six hours, including eating and clean-up. Everyone showed up who’d confirmed they were coming, so we were only missing Prince Charming’s brother. His dad made cheesecake for desert, and his friends brought wine, which caused only a small amount of drama when we realized no one had a corkscrew.

After everyone went home and we finished cleaning up, we took a walk and played Frisbee in the field at the local elementary school, since it’s staying light out later and later and the weather was still beautiful. We relaxed for a while on the sofa before almost falling asleep and realizing it was time to take me home.

When I got home, I talked with Karla for a while, learned that we still don’t have a roommate all set to move in May 1, and discussed rearranging furniture in the kitchen and the fact that she’s getting a couch next weekend (goodbye, futon from hell!). Melissa came home and said she meant to call me over the weekend to let me know she packed up her pots and pans (since I keep meaning to buy a set). There’s some more fun shopping for this week, or maybe over the weekend when I have access to non-mass transportation.

I know, a lot of boring little details. But it was a good weekend. And now I don’t care about anything because I’ve got Natasha Bedingfield playing on my iPod (she’s my favorite artist of the moment, and I only have 2 songs of hers and keep putting them on repeat). I promise my next post will be more exciting, or funny, or deep, or… short.

Cheesy

“Love lift us up where we belong
Where the eagles cry
On a mountain high…”

-Joe Cocker & Jennifer Warnes, An Officer and a Gentleman soundtrack

Playing over my headphones – just seems cheesy. Oh well.

The Many Things About Me Meme

Stolen from KathyHowe

Ten Favorite:

  1. Color: green makes me happy. So does brown.
  2. Food: Chocolate, hands-down. Preferably in ice cream form.
  3. Band: Eh, I don’t listen to a lot of music these days.
  4. Movie: Price & Prejudice – can’t wait for my copy to show up!
  5. Sport: Wacky Ball. Yeah, I know it’s made-up, but it’s so cool.
  6. Season: Fall – its the colors and the changing and the season of college brochures and the overall romance in the air. (Yeah, dead leaves do it for me.)
  7. Day of the week: Saturday.
  8. Ice Cream Flavor and why? Chocolate. I just discovered Ben & Jerry’s Brownie Batter, and that’s fantastic.
  9. Time of the Day: From about 7-10 at night. I’m awake, there’s often nothing of importance to do so I can relax, and I’ve usually eaten by then so I’m full and content. And I’m never at work [anymore].
  10. This one is missing so I guess I’ll add my own– Sandalwood.

Nine Current:

  1. Current Mood: Sleepy (my eyes are really dry, too, so it kinda looks like I’ve been crying.
  2. Taste: Good & Plenty (black licorice)
  3. Clothes: Cream cords, brown turtleneck sweater, brown shoes, brown & orange striped socks.
  4. Mousepad: work-related old retro one, found while we were moving offices
  5. Finger/Toenail Color: Fingers are naked, toes are taupe-ish.
  6. Time: 10:29 am.
  7. Crush: Water – I’ve been so dehydrated lately, it’s been absolutely divine to imbibe.
  8. Thought: I wish I’d stayed home from work today.
  9. Love: Prince Charming

Eight Firsts:

  1. First Best Friend: Mary
  2. Love: Mike, just not in that way.
  3. Screen Name: Redcleo.
  4. Pet: Alexander, a gorgeous short-hair tabby cat.
  5. Crush: That lasted more than a day or two? Brian W in 7th grade.
  6. Piercing: Ears. It was DadAlison’s idea that I could get them pierced for my 10th birthday.
  7. Word: I have no idea. I haven’t heard that story. All I know is that I didn’t really talk much until I talked in complete sentences, at the age of 3
  8. Car: Skippy, the Dodge Colt 2-door hatchback. He was a sexy beast.

Seven Last:

  1. Last Cigarette: A few weeks ago on a Tuesday on my back porch with
  2. Drink: Tall glass of water.
  3. Car Ride: Home from Amanda’s house on Sunday night.
  4. Text Message: Sometime around Christmas from the airline with updated flight information.
  5. Movie Seen: Can’t remember. Obviously nothing special. I’m sure there were at least parts of movies seen this weekend, but I’m spacing out here.
  6. Phone Call: To Alison last night, to catch up and find out if she’s pregnant (she’s not) and generally bond.
  7. Song Listened to: “Baby I Love Your Way” by Big Mountain on the Reality Bites Soundtrack – hey, it’s what popped up on shuffle.

Six Have You Ever:

  1. Dated one of your best friends: No, though it almost happened once.
  2. Broken the Law: The state trooper in Wisconsin seemed to think so, and evidenced it by giving me a $180 ticket for speeding.
  3. Been arrested: No, though I was threatened with it in the afore-mentioned.
  4. Skinny dipped: Absolutely not.
  5. Been on TV: No, though I have had an article written up about me in a newspaper, complete with picture.
  6. Kissed someone you didn’t know: No, though I have been kissed by a stranger, most notably at the Halloween charity event for ‘s employer.

Five Things:

  1. What you’re wearing: Same as earlier (it’s only been 10 minutes and I’m at work – not much of a chance for a wardrobe change).
  2. What you did last night: Went for coffee with Amanda and Liz and knit, talked to Alison on the phone, watched CSI reruns, read, and fell asleep.
  3. You can hear right now: Nothing, it’s blissfully quiet in the office today.
  4. You can’t live without: Target.
  5. You do when you’re bored: Eat, watch TV, sleep. I’m a pretty boring person.

Four States You Have Been To:

  1. California – visited San Jose, San Diego, lived in San Francisco the summer of 1999.
  2. Massachusetts – May 2004 for Sarah’s wedding.
  3. Tennessee – several times for mission trips, once for a conference
  4. I’m just going to throw all the other ones here, since I’d rather not leave them out (the joy of family vacations as a kid) – Indiana, Michigan, Wisconsin, Minnesota (duh), Iowa, South Dakota, Washington, Arizona, Missouri, Kentucky, Ohio, North Carolina, Virginia, West Virginia, New York, Florida, Georgia… maybe another one or two.

Three People You Can Tell Anything To:

  1. Alison
  2. Betsy
  3. Prince Charming

Two Choices:

  1. Black or White: White
  2. Winter or Summer: Summer – I want sun and warmth and lazy vacations.

One Person You would Do Anything For:

  1. Anything? Yeah, no. There are a few people I’d do almost anything for though.

Play along if you’d like…

Friday Fiver: Cheney’s Got a Gun

  1. Do you have good hand-eye coordination? Not really. It got better while I worked at the church, simply because I played sports more often. But I’m better at fine motor skills. Gross motor skills (you know, walking, climbing stairs, catching things thrown at me) never really were my thing.
  2. Have you ever held a gun? No, and I really don’t want to. I don’t even think I’ve been in the same room as one, except those carried by law enforcement officials.
  3. What do you think of toy guns? Bad idea. Mom never allowed them in the house. (Conveniently, she had 2 girls, and so it was never much of an issue.)
  4. When is the last time you asked for forgiveness? Asked? Ooh…. I’m not sure. I know I’ve said “I’m sorry” lately.
  5. Your favorite Aerosmith song: Sadly, I had to look up a list of Aerosmith songs to be able to answer this one. I’ll go with “I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing” from that meteor movie (Deep Impact?) because it’s the one I know the best.

Unconscious Mutterings

  1. Unorthodox:: Jew
  2. Skate:: Park… Ice
  3. Hold on:: …to yourself, this is gonna hurt like hell (Sarah McLachlan)
  4. Europe:: far away
  5. Reminder:: String
  6. Gold:: Icon
  7. Calcium:: Milk
  8. Rated R:: Excessive
  9. Saturday night:: <>
  10. Tell:: Show and

New Song

One of the new songs on my iPod (courtesy of Amanda, a great Christmas gift) is Kelly Clarkson’s “You Found Me.” I don’t know why I had it on my wish list – I wasn’t familiar with it. But there it was, and it got downloaded with the others, including two of her other songs on her Breakaway album. It came over my headphones today for the first time, and I really liked it. Particularly the chorus.

The Randomness of my Thoughts

Today my brain has, all on its own, switched from the “Rent” soundtrack to a John Wayne impersonation to Toby Keith “As Good As I Once Was” (of which I only really know half of the chorus because it’s still a new addition to my iPod). And now I’m on phones over the lunch hour, so I don’t see that changing until I can put my headphones back on. Oh, and I started composing a character description in my head. You know, for the book I’m not writing. Because I can never think of plots. But I did find the new Doritos Guacamole chips in the Skyway while I was out getting coffee. They don’t exactly go well with my White Chocolate Mocha, but she didn’t exactly put all the syrup in and it’s a bit… bitter, so it’s not as bad as it initially sounds.

[none]

Just yesterday morning they let me know you were gone
Susanne the plans they made put an end to you
I walked out this morning and I wrote down this song
I just can’t remember who to send it to

I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rain
I’ve seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I’ve seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I’d see you again

Won’t you look down upon me, Jesus
You’ve got to help me make a stand
You’ve just got to see me through another day
My body’s aching and my time is at hand
And I won’t make it any other way

Oh, I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rain
I’ve seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I’ve seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I’d see you again

Been walking my mind to an easy time my back turned towards the sun
Lord knows when the cold wind blows it’ll turn your head around
Well, there’s hours of time on the telephone line to talk about things to come
Sweet dreams and flying machines in pieces on the ground

Oh, I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rain
I’ve seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I’ve seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I’d see you, baby, one more time again, now

Thought I’d see you one more time again
There’s just a few things coming my way this time around, now
Thought I’d see you, thought I’d see you fire and rain, now

-James Taylor, “Fire and Rain” (just popped on my iPod)

Monday’s a B*tch – Greed

  1. Would you ever lead someone on if it was financially beneficial to you? No. I’ve only led someone on intentionally (well, not so much intentionally as just knowingly) once, and the hurt I caused them is enough to stop me from ever doing that again.
  2. What’s the most expensive thing you own? My CD collection.
  3. What’s more important, job satisfaction or a fat paycheck? Satisfaction, definitely. It’s why I’m changing careers. Plus, I’ve never thought I’d have a job where I’d make a lot of money.
  4. How much money would it take for you to whore yourself out? As in… prostitution? There isn’t enough money in the world. Sex is way too big a deal and sacred and… personal to ever use as a means to an end.
  5. Would you be morally opposed to stealing something if you knew you could? I think it depends on the situation. Though stealing is always wrong, all sins are forgivable and if my family was starving, I think I wouldn’t feel all that guilty about stealing a loaf of bread. But I would feel guilty about robbing a bank for way more money than we needed to survive on. So… proportionate stealing, relative to the situation and need.

TGIF – They Come In Threes

What are three…

  1. … movies which you can watch over and over again? You’ve Got Mail, While You Were Sleeping, and Love Actually.
  2. … TV shows that you would buy a complete DVD set of, if you could? Ally McBeal, Stargate SG-1, and… maybe Melrose Place, just for fun.
  3. … CDs which you’d take with you on a long trip? Pick any random 3 mix ones I’ve made over the years.
  4. … actors/actresses whose bad movies you can sit through from beginning to end? Audrey Hepburn, Cary Grant, Jimmy Stewart (ahem, Vertigo).
  5. … things you would never eat? Anything still technically living, anything I could clearly tell was recently alive and crunches (like chocolate-covered beetles or grasshoppers – ew!), and Tofurky.

Now what’s stuck in my head?

One way or another
I’m gonna getcha
I’m gonna getcha getcha getcha getcha
One way or another
i’m gonna getcha
I’m gonna getcha good

– As sung by Mandy Moore, “One Way Or Another”

Also, I’m officially in love.

Every time I had to “print” our 50+ page staff directory, Adobe 6 would possess my computer for at least half an hour (great time to go get lunch, a manicure, cure cancer, whatever), which I thought was ridiculous. The Adobe 6 days, if you remember, at least towards the end, were those that some days my computer would decide to run at 80% speed, some days at 40%, and once in a while at 100%. And then something died and IT came up and “fixed” the problem by uninstalling 6 and installing 7. And then miraculously all the weird problems were gone. And I just printed the staff directory… 3 minutes, tops. Hallelujah! And the angels sang.

Of course, I’m having minor problems with the updating software of Adobe 7. But I’ll take that over an uber-slow computer any day.