“It’s tragic that extremists co-opt the notion of God, and that hipsters and artists reject spirituality out of hand. I don’t have a fixed idea of God. But I feel that it’s us – the messed-up, the half-crazy, the burning, the questing – that need God, a lot more than ...keep reading]]> Today’s coffee cup says:

“It’s tragic that extremists co-opt the notion of God, and that hipsters and artists reject spirituality out of hand. I don’t have a fixed idea of God. But I feel that it’s us – the messed-up, the half-crazy, the burning, the questing – that need God, a lot more than the goody-two-shoes do.”

-Mike Doughty, Musician

I realize that some people who only know me a little bit, might classify me as an “extremist” when it comes to God. I mean, I have strong beliefs, and they’re set in stone. They happen to be basically the same as what my parents believe and what the church I grew up in preached, but they are not my parents’ ideas. What I mean is, I have spent serious time thinking about them and evaluating them and deciding for myself if that’s what I really believe. They are my beliefs.But I also think that, at least in terms of this quote, I get to be classified as “the messed-up… the questing.” I know lots of people that would call me a “goody two-shoes,” and with good reason. But I don’t think they understand that I haven’t lived live on the narrow path necessarily for the reasons they think I have. I hate getting in trouble, and the fear of that is more powerful a motivator than guilt is for , and that’s saying a lot. Also, I honestly didn’t have a lot of opportunity to stray from the path. Well, I mean, I could have, if I had sought that out. I saw [what I thought was] a drug deal on my first day of high school, and knew plenty of people who did things with boys that I still haven’t done, or smoked, or drank, or any number of other things. I generally wasn’t interested, and was truthfully never offered to partake in any of the afore-mentioned. The closest I came to peer pressure was having to refuse multiple offerings of Mountain Dew. I know, such a sheltered life. I knew about all the other stuff that was out there, but it wasn’t right out in front of me. Most of my teenage rebellion would be considered tame to others, but to me it was still a rebellion. It was rebellion in this sense: “An act or a show of defiance toward an authority or established convention.” Anyways, that’s not what this post started to be about, and it’s quite a tangent, so I’ll just drop it for now.

A message board I read (that often infuriates me but has lately been tame and worth reading) for Christian singles recently had a discussion between two women who, among other things, were sharing a common experience of having doubts and questions in their faith and not having a place in the Christian community to work through that. I completely understood where they were coming from (though, to be fair, my last church was absolutely a comfortable place to work through that, as long as you weren’t staff, but that’s another post too, and one I recently made). I eventually came to the conclusion that I needed to create a place to do that. I’ve felt fortunate that most of my friends have been comfortable with me expressing my doubts and thoughts and feelings in terms of my faith. But I’ve also had a few friends/family who have been very uncomfortable with it, and who have unintentionally pressured me to “get back with the program,” so to speak.

But back to this forum that I’ve created for myself. I don’t have a “home church” anymore, one where I feel at home and attend regularly, where I know people and want to do social things with them, where I know that we all basically believe the same things, enjoy the same type of worship, and can basically be like family. It’s been a long time since I’ve had that. My church in Michigan was like that for the first six months, until all hell broke loose, that is. The church I grew up in was like that, but so many changes have happened that I barely know anyone there anymore, and since has moved here, my connection has been even further severed.

And I would like to have a home church again, but it’s not exactly an easy process to find one. There are so many factors, like location (given my transportation situation) and style of worship and theological beliefs (conservative, but not overly so, because I’m progressively conservative, if that makes sense) and people of the right age and socio-economic class, and yet also diverse (because I don’t want everyone to be the same, and like in any family, diversity is good too). And there’s trying to find a church for myself, which would be on non-Sundays, or trying to find a church that both and I like are two different tasks.

Plus, I’ve been burned in the past, and am not ready to just jump in with both feet and hope a church gives me a big hug upon landing.

So tomorrow night I start attending a kind-of Bible study at a local church I attended a few times last fall. It’s Alpha, which is basically Christianity 101. I hope to… re-construct my faith in a safe environment. No one there knows me, and so the plan is to be absolutely honest about my doubts and feelings and thoughts (which I often find hard to do in comfortable, familiar Christian communities, because there’s the expectation that I’ve got my sh*t together). And while I don’t really need to re-construct my faith, per se, because my beliefs are still strong, it’s the practical application of them, and more importantly my relationship with the Christian community, that is really in need of a Band-Aid.

I will have to avoid the temptation to switch into Youth Pastor Kelly mode, where I have all the answers. I will listen, and I will ask questions. And I will not be afraid to sound heretical or blasphemous or sinful. Because how can I expect people to get to know the real me, be honest, or provide any sort of guidance or help if I am not, above all, honest and open? (That was a little pep talk for myself, in case you were wondering where I was going with that, because the idea really is a bit scary to me.)

And so tomorrow night at 6pm, I’m going over to the church to have dinner with a bunch of people I’ve never met (a terrifying prospect) and then sit down with a small group of them and make new friends. Or, at least, that’s the plan. It’s one of the reasons I’m only taking one class this fall, because I wasn’t sure that I could handle multiple classes, a Bible study, and time for my girls and . This is important, and so I’m making the time for it.

A woman faces ex-communication for trying to become a Catholic priest. Right on! Actually, I totally respect the right of the Catholic Church to disallow women priests, especially since I’m not Catholic and don’t think I have any right to criticize what I don’t know/understand. So really, what she should ...keep reading]]> From the Star-Tribune today:

A woman faces ex-communication for trying to become a Catholic priest. Right on! Actually, I totally respect the right of the Catholic Church to disallow women priests, especially since I’m not Catholic and don’t think I have any right to criticize what I don’t know/understand. So really, what she should have done is become Episcopalian (which in many respects is similar to Catholicism), and then she could be ordained without incurring the wrath of the Catholic Church (which is not the same as the wrath of God, just to be clear). But, since it sounds like she is Catholic, I support her right to work inside the system (kinda) for change. I’m sure those statements could come back to bite me in the butt, especially if anyone brings up the topic of homosexuality in the church, but I’ll stand by them for now.

A series of interviews with people in the Twin Cities who are homeless [link removed], particularly relevant to the recent discussion we’ve been having here about Las Vegas. If you haven’t talked to someone who is homeless before, you should read this article and try to understand what life is like for them.

Additionally, this wasn’t surprising news [link removed], but it still makes me sad. I realize it’s quite a controversial subject ...keep reading]]> Well, this is definitely bad news [link removed]. Not for me, really, I guess. But no one likes to read a story like that and then realize it happened a mile from their home.

Additionally, this wasn’t surprising news [link removed], but it still makes me sad. I realize it’s quite a controversial subject (they were nearly split 50-50 on the vote), and a lot of people here in Minnesota completely disagree with my opinion/belief on the matter, and for a Friday morning, I just really don’t feel like getting into it. Suffice it to say, I’m not surprised, but hope that it remains a Minnesota thing and doesn’t make it nationally. As someone who used to work in a Methodist church, I know they’ve been struggling with this for years (as well as many other mainline denominations), and this has been in the works. I’m almost surprised it took this long.

This article held some good news . It’s just a small step, but it’s something.

In funny news, ‘s horoscope this morning says:

Results are starting to show, and people are starting to notice. Work your mojo!

Why don’t I get good stuff like that?

I think I failed to mention that moved in Tuesday night. I was outside using pirated internet for most of the night, and then on the phone with and totally didn’t notice that he’d moved in until I saw the light on in his room.

And… I got nothin’ else. Boring work today that needs to get done, and I just have to push on through. At least it’s Friday. Actually, I don’t feel that urgent “thank goodness it’s Friday” feeling that I get most weeks. Maybe it’s because I didn’t start my work week until Wednesday at noon. Hmm. Think I can find a job where I only have to work half-time (and still get paid full-time)?

Let’s start with Lent. This is the 40 days before Easter (not counting Sundays), starting on Ash Wednesday. Lent is ...keep reading]]> In case no one has told you, it’s Good Friday, and since I’m bored and have nothing else to say, maybe I’ll talk about that. Call it Kelly’s Church Lesson for the Day (/week/month/whatever).

Let’s start with Lent. This is the 40 days before Easter (not counting Sundays), starting on Ash Wednesday. Lent is a time of preparation, for one to reflect upon one’s own life, one’s spirituality, whatever. I’m not sure why people give up things for Lent – it’s not been part of the faith traditions I grew up with.

Palm Sunday is the week before Easter. It celebrates when Jesus came riding into Jerusalem during the Passover Feast. Everyone thought He was the promised Messiah and was going to come free them from the Roman Empire. It was like a parade, everyone was so excited. Once they figured out it wasn’t going to be a political overthrow, however, their feelings turned.

Maundy Thursday is the celebration of the Passover Feast. It also happens to be the Last Supper, you know, the one that Jesus shared with the disciples right before the whole Good Friday part that I’m getting to. It’s when He washed their feet, and talked cryptically about His death that they didn’t understand, and revealed that He knew Judas was going to betray Him.

After the meal, He went up the Mount of Olives to pray. He brought a few disciples along for a while, but then left them behind, asking them to keep watch. They fell asleep (it was pre-dawn). Obviously, His conversation with God, His Father, was difficult, seeing as how what was about to happen was not exactly a happy thing. This is where, “not My will, but Yours” comes in. And Jesus comes down from the hill, finds the disciples asleep, is obviously disappointed, but then the soldiers come to arrest him. One of the disciples gets a little excited (I think it was Peter) and chops off a soldier’s ear with his sword, but Jesus goes peacefully (and I think He heals the ear, too, but my memory’s a bit fuzzy – if you really care, go look it up in the gospels: Matthew, Mark, Luke, or John).

Good Friday, then, begins with the imprisonment of Jesus, the religious trial, where the Jewish leaders decide to turn Him over to the Roman Empire since that’s the only way He’d be executed. Pilate, the judge, finds no wrong but is swayed by the angry crowd. He tries to give them the chance to let Jesus go free, but they choose Barabbas, a hardened criminal, instead. Thus begins the whipping, the beating, the mockery, the disrobing, of Jesus. Finally He’s made to carry His cross to the hill, is nailed on it, and hung up to die.

The sky turns black and it’s this scary few moments in history when God turns His back, which must have been incredibly painful for Jesus, seeing as how they’re Father/Son and also two of the three persons in the Trinity (which, I know, is confusing, seeing as how they’re all God but there’s only one God and not three, and just think of it being like three states of water – liquid, ice, and gas, and maybe that’ll help). Jesus says some things on the cross, everyone cries, and then He dies. He gets buried in a tomb, and there are soldiers placed outside to guard it, so that none of His disciples can come and steal the body and claim that He came back from the dead.

Angels, however, get around this plan, and on Sunday morning when some women come to treat the body with perfumes, the tomb is open and Jesus is gone. And He appears later to the disciples, several times actually, including times when Thomas puts his fingers in the wounds, and times when He seems to defy physics (and just “appear” in locked rooms).

That’s Easter. Jesus hangs around for a while, teaching the disciples, and then goes back up to heaven in a spectacular display. And we’ve been waiting ever since.

But the story doesn’t fully tell all that really happened at Easter, because there’s a lot going on behind the scenes that’s much more difficult to explain and understand, but the basics are this:

• Everybody has sinned. (Romans 3:23)
• Sin separates us from God. (Isaiah 59:2, Romans 6:23)
• The only way to “pay” for sin is with the shedding of blood. (Hebrews 9:22)
• Jesus stepped in and did this on our behalf. (Romans 5:8)
• So we can have a relationship with God. (Romans 8:38-39)
• When God looks at us, He doesn’t see our sin. He sees Jesus. (That’s good, since God can’t look at sin.) (Romans 5:1)
• So we’re always forgiven, for everything, as long as we ask. (Romans 8:1)
• And the promises of heaven and eternity with God, those are all ours for the taking. (Romans 10:9)

It’s a pretty sweet deal, really. Not to make Christianity seem easy, because there are plenty of times when it’s not. Like when you want to be mean but know you should forgive. Or when looking temptation in the face and turning it down. Or when you don’t. Or for people who live in those parts of the world where it’s not OK to be Christian, or even if you hang in certain social circles where it’s not OK (or just some parts of it aren’t cool, like not drinking to excess or having sex outside of marriage or… fill in the blank). There’s these lovely things called grace and forgiveness, however, that make it all possible.

And that is really what we talked about, all those years I taught youth group. Sure, it may not have seemed like it all the time. When we talked about prayer, or fighting with friends, or peer pressure, or having crushes, it may not have seemed like it, but Easter was always present, even if not center stage. And though it definitely hasn’t taken a major role in my life this past year (or, rather, I haven’t been focused on it), it’s still there. While I may be on hiatus, in a bit of a lull, living stagnantly, I never stopped believing any of it, even the fantastical stuff. Trying to figure out “me” outside of church hasn’t meant changing what I believe, but figuring out… what else there is to me besides church. I guess it’s not really all that healthy to define yourself entirely by your career and faith, both of which are so intricately entwined when the career is ministry. So hopefully I’m a bit healthier these days, and know myself a bit better, and see the world… more realistically, less black-and-white. [Editor's note: there's still a lot of black and white, don't get me wrong, because I'm totally about right and wrong. But there's a lot that's fuzzy and gray, too, and I think now I can acknowledge that and make peace with it.]

So maybe I didn’t spend this Lent preparing for Easter. But maybe I spent the whole last year preparing. Not for this Sunday, but… for life after Easter, in the figurative sense. The life that goes on, day after day, after Jesus went back to heaven and the disciples were left with… a lot of confusion and messiness and real life.

So welcome to the mess. As you can tell, it’s pretty much that way here all the time. Brief moments of clarity and order, that are usually overtaken by… my inability to put thoughts into complete sentences that others understand.

“What do you want to be?” ...keep reading]]> I keep a running list in Blogger of little things for inspiration. Old fortunes from cookies, quotes from books I read, that sort of thing. I realized today I have nothing particularly interesting to say, and actually remembered the list, and thought I’d put it to good use.

“What do you want to be?”
“I would like to be myself. I tried to be other things but I always failed.”
-Anonymous

Trying to explain my thoughts on this without people reading the wrong things into it is proving difficult. But I’ll just start where I start and see where it takes me.

Since I was 16, I knew what I wanted to do with my life. Before that I was trying to decide between being a teacher, a psychologist, or a lawyer. (Yeah, I know that last one is pretty laughable.) But once the whole ministry thing came into the picture, it all came into focus and became clear rather quickly. And that was the path I was on from that point.

So when I graduated college and started working full-time in my chosen profession, it would make sense that I had some sense of arrival, that I was finally “there.” And I think there was some of that, though it’s hard to say really, because the situation in the church went downhill pretty quickly and most of my time involves memories of the arguments people had and the hurtful things they did to each other. Thankfully, I was almost never caught in the crossfire, but any personal growth and maturing or accepting adulthood that I might have done got put on the back burner, so to speak. And then I moved to Minnesota and into a job where I was very unhappy and really began to question if ministry was right for me. But (to put it in the nicest, healthiest way possible) I was delivered/removed from that situation (OK, I was fired, if you want to split hairs) and the next… six months were more about recovering from that than they were about evaluating my career path. I took the next job for two reasons: it was temporary, and it was part-time. All I knew was that I couldn’t commit more than that to a church, after my last experiences. My “temporary” position lasted nearly 3 years, and I’d still be working there if I hadn’t taken a proactive stance on my future.

Back around Christmas 2004, after several conversations with people (who know who they are and that they’re partly responsible for major life changes that ensued), I realized that I didn’t want to be working at the any longer, but that I needed a way out and a new direction for my life. I ran through the possible careers that involved working with teenagers. I’d already tried several different social work venues through volunteer opportunities, and really wasn’t inspired. Psychology wasn’t the way I wanted to go either. I suppose I could have thought about coaching or music lessons or something along those lines, if I had any amount of talent in those arenas to be able to make money at it. When teaching crossed my mind, it felt right. It was, after all, the part of my ministry jobs that I enjoyed the most and spent the most time on (much to the chagrin of many junior high boys, who would have rather played football in the parking lot all night long). I tried to be smart about the decision, job shadowing to see if I could really do the work all day long (having now worked full-time for five years and knowing what I could and could not handle), talking to teachers, going to the preview night at my chosen school…. And all the signs pointed to moving forward.

Once accepted to Hamline, I turned in my resignation and waited for time to pass. And it did. And then I realized I needed to take some time off, that I’d jumped a bit quickly into the grad school thing and needed a breather. It wasn’t that my decision was wrong or I was doubting my new career choice, but that I needed to take a step back and just be me for a while.

Part of leaving the that I was looking forward to was not attending services for a while. Years upon years of required attendance at 1-2 services every Sunday plus all the special stuff, on top of four years of required chapel attendance in college, just meant I was a bit burnt out on the thing. And I wanted it to be a choice again, something I wanted to participate in, not something I felt like I had to do. Worship should be a joyful choice, not a task or a job. For the most part, I have really enjoyed Sundays off (with the exception that it is sometimes hard for me to remember when Monday comes, because I can’t define Sunday by early morning services anymore). I’ve been to exactly two services since May 22nd, and at the moment really don’t feel compelled to go. And I’ve already blogged about a bunch of this, so I’ll just instead of repeating it all.

That was a very long, roundabout way to get to this statement, which I will explain right away.

When it comes to “being myself” these days (see inspiring quote), I am feeling quite lost.

This really isn’t the personal crisis that it could be, I suppose. I mean, I don’t think about it all that often. It doesn’t keep me awake nights. I don’t have weird dreams that when I throw the symbols into search engines they give me interpretations that are bizarre and confusing. In fact, I haven’t had a single conversation with anyone about this (that I know of, at least). So really, it’s not all that big of a deal.

Life is good. I am happy. I have job security. I have good friends who are willing to put up with my melodrama and listen quite well, and then, at the right times, smack me upside the head. (They’re also very fun to hang out with – girls, we need some margaritas one of these days – , perhaps when we go shopping to spend your winnings?) My family continues to amaze me and get healthier as time goes on. I actually met a boy, despite my complete inability to make new friends or talk to strangers or generally interact with people (OK, that was quite the overstatement – I’m just a little shy, OK, a lot, and have a touch of the social anxiety, not enough to put me into panic attacks or anything, just enough to avoid people… often). I have a new direction for my life that, while I’m not currently pursuing, makes me happy and I will find fulfilling (I can handle being in a holding-pattern of sorts with that for now, since it is self-imposed and greatly needed for my emotional health and sanity).

But having defined myself for so long in terms of church and faith and belief, and trying to come up with new ways to define myself, has left me a bit without a working definition. I no longer feel like I’m on a path (even if the path gets rocky, or one gets turned around and doesn’t know which way is coming and going, or one comes across a fork in the road and doesn’t know what to do). I’m in the middle of a field. A really big field. Generally, I can tell where the field is (to use the analogy, I could get specific in terms of North America – United States – Minnesota). I can’t see the edges, and it doesn’t really seem like there’s a right or wrong way to go about things. Climbing the trees is fun and all (maybe there’s even a swing to spend an afternoon in the breeze on), but at some point, if I’m going to get headed towards a goal of some sort, it will be helpful (one might even say necessary) to know where I am. (I hear directions work best that way, if you know both the starting point and the ending point.)

It’s like Kathleen Kelly (played by Meg Ryan, whose hair I am still jealous of) says in You’ve Got Mail:

Sometimes I wonder about my life. … I don’t really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void.

Good night. (Well, good afternoon. After all, it’s only 12:07.)

“To acquire wisdom is to love oneself; people who cherish understanding will prosper.”

Proverbs 24:14

“In the same way, wisdom is sweet to your soul. If you find it, you will have a bright future, and your hopes will not be cut short.”