[Editor’s note: I started this at 9:30 this morning, and it’s taken me all day to get this down. Apologies for any editorial errors – I just don’t feel like reading through it all again.]

I just remembered, sitting here at my desk, that called and left a message last night to have me call him today. Why? Well, also called last night and left a message (I left my phone at home for date night). Our cousin had called her and said that our aunt has a prognosis of 1-2 weeks. Weeks. Last week they were talking months. The week before that had said “hope she makes it through the weekend [of the wedding].”

So I am heartbroken for and just want to hug him, but it’s a little hard with Wisconsin in the way. I hope is good to him in that way – I don’t really know anything about their relationship as far as that is concerned, but I hope that she comforts him and gets him to talk about things.

And I am sad for my cousins, four of them ages 27-40ish. I can’t imagine trying to deal with losing a parent at 27. How do you prepare for that? My 30-year-old cousin just got married mid-July. His older sister has 4 kids, and the oldest cousin has three(ish), all under the age of 10.

And then there’s my Grandpa who, at 94, has already had to deal with losing most if not all of his siblings (I think he’s the oldest of many, but I don’t remember the details right now), his wife’s death 30 years ago, and now his 60-year-old daughter. That’s not right.

emailed me and nearly made me cry. But I’m at work, so I pulled it together. Cuz that’s what you do. Or at least it’s what I do. Then emailed me and said that after she called me, called her and they talked. She asked him how he’s doing and he cried. Of course, I would if I was in that situation, but it is kind of a shocker for to express that much emotion. While I was out for coffee, called me and filled me in. He said my uncle was supposed to call him later today with more information, and I firmly told him that if he called me with more details and I didn’t pick up, he was to leave a detailed message and I’d call him back if I needed to / when I could (because I’ll never hear my phone at the Twins game tonight, and even if I do, I won’t be able to talk on it, nor will I really want to). said a few weeks, maybe a month. They are bringing her home from the hospital today and setting up Hospice. She can’t even get out of bed right now

I asked him how he was doing and he said something along the lines of, “as good as could be expected.” He did that thing that I do (OK, I probably got it from him, not the other way round) where he talked about how he felt without actually having the feelings because it wasn’t the right time or place (he was at work, I was in a large rotunda in the Skyway). Sometimes that’s what you have to do, or what I have to do at least. Like last night – I was enjoying date night and didn’t really want to let it get me down, so just pushed it away for the moment. And you know what, I don’t think that was wrong. I enjoyed date night and really needed a night off from the rest of life.

But I am quite sad. It means the next time I go home won’t be to visit her one last time, but will be for her funeral. And I haven’t seen her in almost two years. She’s been a really wonderful aunt – totally unlike ‘s sisters who are also great aunts, but in her own special way. She gives and I a Christmas ornament each year, even last year when neither of us went home. And growing up, they lived in the next town over and we all went to church together (my grandparents too). She sent me a really nice letter explaining why they couldn’t come to the wedding and told me I was one of her favorites and she really wanted to be there.

It’s really hard wishing for it to be fast and painless when it’s someone I’m close to (since I’ve been quite glad a few times in the past for someone’s illness to end quickly, because I wasn’t all that close to them or hadn’t been close with them for a while, and that wasn’t too hard).  But I really don’t want her to be in pain.  Last I’d heard she wasn’t letting people visit and was sending cards home without reading them because she didn’t want people to be saying goodbye.  I hope that she has time to make her peace with the situation, and that there’s enough time for those around her to do so as well.

Anyways, that’s enough for me today.  There’s probably more, but I keep having to stop to collect myself, and it’s just too hard to do at work.  So… yeah.