Usually, I censor my words here because I know my audience. There are inherent good and bad qualities of having people I know in my real life read my blog. It’s a great way to express what I’m thinking or feeling, or communicate news, to a few people quickly (or at least only having to type it once). But, it also means that when I’m feeling the need to truly and honestly express myself, sometimes I feel like I can’t. Today, however, that feeling goes out the window. I’m not sure why, other than I feel the need to talk and can’t find another venue. So, feel free to completely ignore this post (as you are always welcome to do).
If I say I’m unhappy, will the people in my life who feel personally responsible for my happiness (consciously or not) feel bad? What about those who don’t necessarily feel responsible, but… will do whatever they can to make me happy, within reasonable limits? And if I said this, do I need to have a reason why? (I had a professor who told us that anger is a “secondary emotion,” meaning you’re only angry because you’re feeling something else. Is unhappiness a secondary emotion?) Could I even explain it?
I know last week I said I wanted to get away to a cabin in the woods, away from everything. Maybe I wasn’t clear – what I wanted (and still want) was to get away, meaning… I want to get my head together, and then come back to the real world. Just a few days to gather my thoughts, figure out what I’m thinking and feeling, do some listening, that sort of thing. I sometimes have this problem where I can’t figure out what I really want/need/think/feel if everyone else is giving their input, and although I didn’t always know it, I am apparently sometimes easily swayed by others’ opinions (check last the August/September 2005 archives). Go figure.
But right now, what I really want is to run away. Leave work and crawl into my cozy bed in sweats with the lights off and watch crappy TV and eat Amy’s Cheese Enchiladas and chocolate. For as long as I feel like it. And I would turn off my cell phone and ignore my roommates, probably until the doorbell rang and it was somebody who was worried about me because I hadn’t blogged in several days. And I would stop going to work and class and wouldn’t get a breath of fresh air or see the sun for days. (Wow, that really doesn’t sound very appealing, does it?)
Of course, because I am a relatively healthy and well-adjusted individual (all things considered), I will not be doing any of the above. I will, instead, stay at work until my usual leaving time (or perhaps a bit later if I have work to do, to make up some hours), go home, make myself a relatively healthy dinner, read my assigned chapter for Wednesday’s class or watch some of the documentaries on WWII that I have, do some knitting and/or crocheting, clean up the pile(s) in my room, and go to bed. Because I am a grown-up and capable of making good decisions, even if they don’t appeal to me.
What set me off, you ask? I’m not sure. It didn’t help that it is grey and foggy and icky outside – I am always much happier when the sun is shining. And I didn’t do as well on the exam this morning as I would have liked, partly because I just didn’t know the subject matter as well as the last unit, and partly because our study guide was flawed (which I have problems with – if you’re going to give us 18 ID terms to study, put 8 of them on the test, and then have us answer 6 of them, you probably shouldn’t choose, for one of the 8, a term you didn’t put on the exam – just an idea). And I got a paper back that I knew wasn’t very well-written, and my grade reflected that (yes, I still got an A, but a much lower A than my previous 4 papers). And work is… work, which is to say that I am not bored, but have things to do, but they’re less than desirable projects with less than cooperative people. Blah.
On a positive note… I finished the book I was reading on Friday. And I crocheted an entire skein of yarn over the weekend – seems as though my idea of making a blanket is not as lofty as I first thought. Crocheting really is much faster than knitting, though I prefer the latter more.
Anyone have ideas on what they’d like to get for Christmas? Or ideas of what to get someone else? Wait, that could go horribly wrong if you put it in the comments for someone other than yourself. OK, ideas for yourself – in the comments. Suggestions for others – email me.
Really, I’m not in nearly as bad of a mood as this post sounds. I just needed to vent, and I’m feeling better already.