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An addendum to yesterday’s post about stress levels (which I forgot to put up yesterday but thought about): Yes, I realize that my stress level would be lower if I didn’t let things have so much affect on me and if I didn’t care so much. I’ll take responsibility for that. But it is who I am, and it’s probably not going to change.
And so, in an attempt to 1) not be stressed out today or 2) cry, I have declared that nothing significant shall be discussed today. I will only have meaningless, petty, insignificant conversations. I will only think about things that have no lasting value. For instance, work will be fine and I can stress about that stuff, if only minorly so just because I can’t make it do what I want it to, because in the end, I really don’t care, or I only care so much.
So, if you ask me a question today, be prepared for me to not answer, because I just don’t feel like it. Ask again tomorrow.
In other news, I watched two documentaries last night about WWII, went to JoAnn, and ate ravioli. Also,  is tied for first place at his office costume contest. Woo-hoo!
OK, now I have something to talk about. And maybe it’s just because I’m a bit tired today (though I can’t imagine why – I got 12 hours of sleep on Saturday night) and haven’t eaten much (I’m most of the way through my lunch though) that I’m feeling free to share whatever is on my mind (because I frequently censor myself, knowing full well who my audience here is and not wanting to do any damage to real relationships I have), kind of like why I have a “no emailing past midnight” rule (that I haven’t had to invoke since college). [Editor's note: see the above sentence? That's how things are in my head right now. Yeah.]
I’m feeling a little overwhelmed these days. And before anyone gets upset that I haven’t shared this with them… I am just able to put it into words today, so it’s not like I’ve been holding back with y’all. And it’s not that I’m not used to feelings like this, just that usually when I feel overwhelmed it’s in one specific area of my life, something big that’s out of my control or lots of pressure surrounding something important or… you get the idea. But this isn’t any one specific area of my life. I’m just feeling pressures from the whole world around me, but all about little things. Individually, I don’t think I’d notice it at all – after all, isn’t that life, dealing with the world around us? But I feel like it’s coming at me from all angles, and it’s hard to fight a war on so many fronts. And since they’re small things, and no one means any harm by them, it’s not like I hold any grudge against anyone, or feel frustrated with one particular person. Individually, each situation is fairly-easily dealt with. There’s so many of them, though, I barely have time to work through my thoughts and feelings about something before I need to pay attention to the next thing.
I want a retreat. A cabin in the woods, just me. No TV, no iPod, just me and a journal and my Bible and a lot of silence. Not that I don’t love all of you, because I surely do… but there’s way too many voices inside my own head without having to listen to everyone else too. There’s no way to sugar-coat that, and I’m sure someone’s feelings will be hurt by that, but I can’t please everyone all the time (hopefully, ideally, I don’t try to), and perhaps today isn’t your day to be pleased by me. Bummer for you. (See, there you go – I get to feeling overwhelmed and I lose all sympathy and empathy and just get mean.)
For example (and this is a small thing, especially since we’ve got it all figured out, I think): Thanksgiving is coming, and with  now living in the Twin Cities and  unable to travel so close to her due date, the holiday looks a lot different than it did last year. ’s grandma invited us to their Thanksgiving dinner, which we gladly accepted, with the provision we may have to leave early to appease my family. Then finds out she can’t travel, so , late in the game, tries to plan dinner at her house. But when I offer to help with everything if she’s willing to do a late dinner (or later, as in, not 2 pm), she’s not kosher with that plan. And she seems fine with the idea that we’ll come later for desert with everyone, so again, not a big deal. And we’ll have dinner with ’s dad on Sunday, and  never expects me for Thanksgiving or any holiday other than Christmas. ’s family is happy, my family is happy…. but you realize this is all just a precursor to Christmas, which I don’t even want to think about except that it’s right around the corner. (Do you know how many times I’ve been asked what I want for Christmas already? How about sanity. Can you buy that at Target? If so, I’d like one in “medium” from everyone who’s getting me a gift.)
And, you see, if that was the only situation that I had to figure out, to work through, the only pressures from the outside world I had to deal with and maneuver, I would be fine. It would be a breeze. I’d barely think twice about it. But when it’s one of many… I didn’t have to deal with peer pressure much in high school, at least not about anything that I could change (because the only way I could have dealt with the pressures I did feel was to miraculously become part of the upper class and have a magnificent wardrobe, be outgoing, and have perfect hair, and I didn’t really see any of those things happening, and you gotta know when to pick your battles – that wasn’t one I was going to win). So in some ways I’m very unprepared for it. Not that I haven’t dealt with huge pressures in my life – I certainly have, but I’ve usually been able to take them one at a time, and that is something I can handle.
I think part of it is, too, that I have been feeling particularly emotional lately (and not because it’s “that time of the month,” because 1) it’s not, and 2) I’ve been feeling this way for a while now), which makes me more prone to crying (or feeling like crying, at least, usually in inappropriate places like work or while waiting for the bus), which makes me feel vulnerable and stupid and silly. Yes, I know full well in my head that crying is a perfectly acceptable response to a multitude of situations and is rarely “wrong” (unless you’re using it to manipulate someone else, or you’re totally faking, or you’re two years old and just want your way at the supermarket). But when it comes down to it, I still always feel wrong or weak or stupid or girly or whatever-negative-word-you-want-to-use when I do.  and I have talked about this and she understands – maybe she can explain more in the comments. Or not.
So emotional plus multiple small stresses equals one overwhelmed Kelly. Didn’t life used to be simple? Wait, no, not really. Life is never simple.
I just want to… argh, I don’t know…. If I happen to tell you to shut up in the next week or two, don’t take it personally. You may just show up at the right time to be the straw that breaks the camel’s back and receive a flood of emotions. My apologies in advance. Then again, I could figure it all out and become de-overwhelmed (just “whelmed” then?) and life will be peachy again. But so you know, for now, I’m not exactly coping well. And this is my way of reaching out. Voila. Heart on my sleeve.
I haven’t been able to post most of today, but (obviously) now I can. And now I have nothing to say. Oh well. Maybe later.
- Costume :: Party
- Beg :: for mercy
- Hottie :: at the bar (don’t know where that came from, since I don’t go to bars)
- Celebrity :: status
- Saturday :: afternoon
- Buckle :: up
- Doorbell :: ring the
- Rude :: how (remember Stephanie from “Full House“?)
- Absence :: makes the heart grow fonder
- Hyper :: text (wow, am I a geek)
Now, if you ride the 21 bus at all, or know someone who does (like me), you know that frequently there is someone on the bus who smells horrible, like they haven’t washed in weeks and have been doing jazzercize daily (or whatever it takes to create such a strong b.o.). This is especially true in the middle of the day, I’ve found. Well, this morning someone on the bus smelled like poop. That was new.
That is all.
I feel as though perhaps I’ve neglected my blog a bit this week. Wednesday was awash, since Blogger was down in the afternoon and I was at a meeting all morning. And… I’ve had work to do, or at least things to entertain myself with. Sorry.
So…. I had a nice long talk with on Tuesday night, even though I did stand outside for 2 hours freezing my butt off (because Cingular chooses to drop all my calls after 15-30 minutes, and it just gets annoying). And Wednesday I talked to , who had a doctor’s appointment and learned that the baby is head-down, meaning it’s “in position.” She’s not allowed to travel anymore (not on bed rest, and she can go to work and stuff, but longer trips are out, anything that would mean her giving birth anywhere other than Coon Rapids). My little counter on Firefox says 52 days. I wish we knew if it was a boy or a girl – I certainly would want to know if it was me. But it’s not. And that’s a good thing too.
It’s a good thing I have rollover minutes, because I’ve already gone over this month’s minutes and there’s still two weeks left! How did I do that? Last month I rolled over almost the entire balance! I mean, I spent like 10 minutes on the phone tops. Crazy, I tell ya. You know, part of it is that I can call on the walk to church on Wednesday nights, and I know I can’t call her after 9 (when it would be free) because she’s asleep. It’s very tiring being pregnant, or so I hear.
We have hopefully convinced to come up here this year for Christmas (or, a belated Christmas in January), since will not be traveling at all and it seems like an awful lot of work for me to go down there for not much. Plus, with here, and all of ’s family, and and her husband and the baby… why leave? Plus, then I might not even have to take any days off for the holiday, and that would be nice. My vacation balance has been low for awhile. Or maybe I’ll feel moved to call in sick. Or take just one day off. Who knows. It’s a long ways away, and we still have to figure out Thanksgiving.
Tonight is the Boo Ball, which is not my kind of party at all, but it’s for a good cause (that is, helping out a friend, since it’s a charity event that benefits ’s work). My costume is all set – I’m sure there will be pictures to post, if not this week then the week after, since we’re going to a costume party next weekend too. It was mad crazy last year, so I will be hot and sweaty and hopefully un-licked (unlike last year) when comes to pick me up. I can only hope I remain unmolested – perhaps the plastic crossbow will help ward off unwanted tongues? (I can only imagine what kind of Google searches will now bring people to my blog because of this last paragraph.)
I am finally not tired today. Yesterday was the worst. Wednesday night after was done working on his project and I was done with church, he called me, and we were on the phone until at least one of us should have been in bed. And then I didn’t go to bed right away, and before I knew it, it was 2 am. No good. So yesterday was a real drag. But he made me promise last night before leaving that I would put myself to bed right away, and I tried very hard to not dally on insignificant things and do just that. And when the alarm went off this morning, it was a much brighter day out (not literally).
Can’t wait for Daylight Savings this weekend. I yearn for morning sunlight. I yen, I pine, I lust. Didn’t know I could get so poetic, did you?
Well, who knows if it’ll ever come to fruition, but after using the Lion Brand Homespun yarn, I’ve fallen in love with it and want to make anything I can that is touchable. So, I saw an idea and modified it to make a blanket that maybe I’d actually finish (because it would be done in squares and… do you really want the details? I thought not). But, all the color choices! So I’m asking for your help in narrowing things down a little. Go here [link removed], and then come back and leave me some comments.
Here’s some things to keep in mind: I’m pretty sure I can figure out which one a few of you will prefer most – however, I’m making this for me, so try to take that into account. Not that all the options aren’t pretty, but some of them really aren’t me. But, I thought they were worth floating out there into the universe anyways. If you really think one is hideous, please share that. Do remember that the color swatches are approximate, and they changed a tiny bit when I converted the images to jpgs. Nothing in life is certain.
(a day late, because Blogger was down for maintenance yesterday)
- What are some of your favorite books, and why? Jane Austen books, because the world is so different from today’s society, and yet so many things still apply. It takes a while to get into the language, but her characters are interesting and creative. The books are sometimes funny, sometimes sad, sometimes happy… and usually you know how they’re supposed to end, but it’s still cry-worthy when it happens that way. The Chronicles of Narnia were really good, both times I’ve read them – you really should read all seven if you haven’t (feel free to borrow them from me next time you’re at my house, unless I don’t know you and you’re breaking in, which would be mean). I loved “Good In Bed” and “In Her Shoes” by Jennifer Weiner, and the Kristen Billerbeck books. If you’re looking for nonfiction, “When I Relax I Feel Guilty” changed my life, “There Are No Children Here” is a great telling of life in inner-city Chicago, and … The Bible. Really, there are so many good (especially fiction) books that I could reread again and again. For more recommendations, see #4, or check out my All Consuming list (see left sidebar for link).
- How many books do you read during a typical month? Not many these days – it takes me a month or two to finish a book, unless it’s really short or really good, or for some strange reason I have a lot of free time. But about the only time I read (other than for school) is on the bus to ’s, so that’s about an hour a week. Sad, I know.
- Where do you buy most of your books? I’ve been “forbidden” by myself to not purchase any new books until I read the bookshelf full that I already have. But, I occasionally make exceptions to this rule (which is probably why that stack of unread books isn’t getting much shorter). I like the larger bookstores, like Barnes & Noble or Borders (they’re my preferred), and occasionally, especially if I’m researching a particular subject, I use Amazon. I try not to, though, because I can spend a ton of money there before I even realize it.
- Recommend a good book to me (and your readers). There have been several books that have totally changed my life, or part of my life, or the way I think about something. Obviously, The Bible is a good place to start – if you haven’t read the whole thing through, I recommend you do so, as a storybook if nothing else. It took me over a year to do that, and you can find one-year plans or 3-year plans or make your own – just prepare yourself to work at it for a long time. Otherwise, I’ve really liked… Hinds Feet on High Places, Passion & Purity, anything Jane Austen comes highly recommended. I’m sure I could think of more if I were at home with my books in front of me.
Your turn! Answer #4 in the Comments!
I promised an update, and update I will.
had told me he’d gotten me a gift, and that he’d give me a hint about it when he saw me. Thursday night when I got to his house, it had arrived. I had no idea what to expect, and was completely surprised when he gave me a computer! It’s super-fast, and puts my old one to shame. Apparently the monitor arrived over the weekend, while we were in Chicago. It’s very exciting.
Friday, we drove down to Chicago for my cousin’s wedding. We stayed at ’s and the six of us ( and her husband stayed there too) had dinner together Friday night. The wedding on Saturday was lovely – a bit more formal (the reception especially) than I’d choose for myself, but beautiful nonetheless. It was really good to see all my extended family on ’s side – it had been a long time. I only have one picture, and it’s not really very good, but and  both took pictures of us before we left, so hopefully they’ll send those off to me and I can post those instead. (Saturday there was also an ill-fated incident with ’s laptop and a cup of coffee, but we think everything will turn out alright in the end. A minorly pricey repair, but thankfully it appears as though it’s just the keyboard that is having problems.)
Sunday we didn’t sleep in much ( and his wife have four Austrian Shepherds who don’t facilitate strangers sleeping), but did have a lazy morning. We met  for lunch, and it was really good to see her. It had been since her wedding that we’d seen each other last (2 years ago). We had a nice talk and it was good to catch up in person, rather than on the phone or over email.
Driving back went fine until we hit part of northern Wisconsin. There was some very poorly planned road construction that resulted in an hour-long delay, for a mere 12 miles of road under construction. Booo. So, we didn’t get back to my house until after 11. Very late, and both of us are very sleepy today. But, still managed to stay and install the wireless card in my new computer and check his fantasy football scores, before leaving for his house.
We watched a video today in class on the Scottsboro Trials, which wasn’t terribly interesting, but didn’t put me to sleep either, which is a lot to say considering it was 8:30 am and I was sitting in a dark room after getting to bed quite late the night before. I’m skipping class on Wednesday when we’ll be talking about the video because I have to take minutes at the council meeting. Boo. Oh well. Can’t be helped.
That’s about it. I’m quite bored and trying to come up with my own projects, but getting sidetracked with emailing and blogging.
- Stuff :: “and stuff” is one of ’s favorite phrases
- Block :: Party
- Ingredient :: Stir all
- Flagrant :: Flamboyant
- Dandruff :: Shampoo
- Betty :: Boop
- Tide :: Turn
- Judges :: —drawing a blank—
- Take it easy :: It’s just work
- Chef :: Boyardee (ravioli – yum!)
Did I mention that I had really low blood pressure the other day when I gave blood? Like, both of my numbers were double-digits only. Still OK to give blood, but worth mentioning to me. “Is your blood pressure usually this low?”
- In general, are your friends your age, or are they older/younger? If they’re not your age, why go with the younger/older crowd? My Minnesota friends are all younger than me. My college friends are exactly the same age as me. My one friend who doesn’t fit in that category is , and she’s a year older than me. It just kinda happened that way. is a kindred spirit, so age has been irrelevant. The people I met in Minnesota just happened to be younger than me, and in college we were a small enough school that we knew everyone, but a regimented enough major that you really kinda stuck to the people in your class. Plus, by senior year, most everyone was working off-campus and engaged/married, so that made it difficult to forge additional relationships. Oh, and I was a student mentor, so some of the kids in the two classes below me had been in my mentor group. And, all the guys were eternally interested (the single ones, that is) in the current freshman class, and the rest of us were kinda chopped liver.
- Do you believe that age makes a difference in certain situations? Why/why not? Sometimes it does, but “relative” age difference. Like some people have had enough experiences or the right kind of experiences so that they’re older than their age. Or, the inverse, haven’t had any life experiences at all, and are still 12 years old. I think it’s this… experience of the world that makes a difference in relating to each other, not so much the year we were born in.
- What about in relationships? Does age matter? Why? [Assuming we're speaking on dating relationships specifically.] Yes and no. I think relationships with huge age differences are a lot more work, because you don’t have a collective generational memory or as many shared experiences, and may have to spend more time explaining yourself or what you mean. But, those things can be overcome if you work at it. Usually, small age differences (a couple of years) don’t really matter, unless the relative age difference is larger.
Bonus Question for Comments: Do you think that how you resolve conflict changes with age? Why/why not? I think how you resolve conflict changes with experience, which is generally acquired through time, which means one ages, so… yes. I know that I am not so good at dealing with conflict, mostly because I rarely experienced it growing up. So most of my life has been spent avoiding conflict, or minimizing it, or pretending it doesn’t exist. As I’ve grown and had experiences and (hopefully) matured past my childhood home, I’ve come to realize that perhaps that is not the healthiest way to deal with conflict. And so I’m slowly changing my ways. (Emphasis on slowly.) And I can only hope that, as I age, I will continue to get better at it. I also hope that I won’t, at some point, stagnate and get stuck in my ways, which is the way that older people get stuck in their ways. And while I understand why that happens and how comfortable it is, it isn’t necessarily healthy.
No, this post is not a rant. But yesterday after work I was getting increasingly frustrated with… things. got the brunt of my rambling – I was very unfocused when talking to her.  called later and we caught up, and I was still rambling, but not nearly as much. Hopefully I made a little bit of sense, at least.
I did not get to bed as early as I wanted to, but I didn’t stay up super-late either. I did forget to pack for the weekend until about 11:30, so that was stupid, but it all turned out OK. So now I have 24 hours to stress about what it is that I’ve forgotten to pack. Doesn’t that sound like fun?
Nothing much to say here. Finalized plans to get together with for lunch on Sunday, so that’s exciting. Other than that…
I think I’m skipping church tonight. I know, I know, it’s only a 10-week class, you’d think I could bring myself to go to all of them unless I fell ill. And I would to this week, if. If I weren’t so tired, especially since there’s an all-staffing meeting tomorrow, I have to answer phones part of the day, and then go to a wedding back home this weekend with family I haven’t seen in at least 3 years; I’d prefer to be a little more chipper and awake. If tonight’s scheduled topic weren’t “how and why to read the Bible,” which I took several courses on in college and have taught several youth groups how to do. If the meals hadn’t been so… uninspiring as to motivate me to regularly get lunch on Wednesdays after 3, so that I am in no means hungry for the meal (sorry, but it really hasn’t been that delicious, regardless of how much everyone else praises the cook). And lastly, if from start to finish the night didn’t take three-plus hours. Dinner at six, then a video, then small group, which gets out by 8:30, but there’s the walk to and from, and usually a stop at Walgreens on my way home (because I’m already in the neighborhood, so why not).
Instead, I think I might go home, change into some comfortable clothes (including shoes, because while the ones I’m wearing today are cute and look unassuming, they are, in fact, trying to remove all of the skin from my heels, and I just don’t think I can handle much more of it), and walk myself over to Walgreens to get the gel and curl spray for my hair that I didn’t know I had run out of until this morning. And then I will get home, eat some dinner, pack my bags for the weekend, paint my nails (if motivated), and fall asleep. Hopefully all by nine. This might mean no more caffeine for the rest of the day. It would probably be wise. And maybe some herbal tea. I know, I’m an old woman. Don’t make me hit you with my walker.
- What’s the longest distance you’ve ever traveled? I flew from Chicago to Romania (via Austria) in 2000 just after graduating for a mission trip. Within the states, I’m not sure which was worse – driving to Atlanta from the Twin Cities, or driving to Arizona from the Twin Cities. Both were freaking long trips.
- What’s the longest distance you’ve ever walked? That would have to be the time this summer that and I walked from his house (or relatively nearby) to the MOA and back. Actually, that’s not true at all. The summer after my freshman year of high school, I went on a camping trip at my church camp that was actually a hiking and biking trip. We spent the first week hiking along 12-mile beach in the Upper Peninsula, about 6-10 miles per day with 50+ pound packs. The second week was spent biking back to camp, about 60 miles per day (at least, that’s what they told us – what did I know, I was only 14).
- How far away is the friend/relative who lives the longest distance from you?
 lives in Boston, and that’s pretty far away. Mentally running through the list of other far-off friends,  is in Wisconsin,  and are in Illinois (as well as a slew of other people), my grandma lives in Florida, and my aunt and uncle and some cousins live in Michigan. So, yeah, wins.
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thankful
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