“Most Recent” Playlist

It turns out my last iTunes purchase was full of sad songs. I thought I’d weeded out the really depressing stuff and saved it for a later download. (OK, a few songs didn’t fit the mold, and if you’re interested, here’s the rest of them: Kanye West & Jamie Fox – Gold Digger; Sarah Evans – The Secrets That We Keep; The Pussycat Dolls – Wait a Minute; Kelly Clarkson – Walk Away; Toby Keith – Who’s Your Daddy.)

[Editor’s Note: format is as follows:
Artist Name – Song Title

key lyrics

my thoughts, if I had any]

Sara Evans – A Real Fine Place To Start

Didn’t know love could run so deep
Didn’t know I’d lose this much sleep

Figurin’ out what love really means
Baby givin’ you my heart,
Is a real fine place to start

The perfect moment when your skin is next to mine

Daniel Powter – Bad Day

You’re faking a smile with the coffee to go
Tell me your life’s been way off line
You’re falling to pieces every time
And I don’t need you to carry on

Kelly Clarkson – Breakaway

Trying hard to reach out
But when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I prayed I could break away

I think this just continues my post from earlier today about church and faith….

Brad Paisley – Find Yourself (from the Cars Soundtrack)

When you find yourself
In some far off place
And it causes you to rethink some things
You start to sense that slowly
You’re becoming someone else
And then you find yourself

‘Cause sometimes when you lose your way it’s just as well
Because you find yourself
Yeah that’s when you find yourself

This song is really good, but something about the way he sings it is just really… sad, or maybe just reflective and quiet. I’m not sure. It makes me pause. It also hits on the afore-mentioned desire to find myself, and how one goes about doing that.

James Taylor – How Sweet It Is (To Be Loved By You)

I needed the shelter of someone’s arms, and there you were
I needed someone to understand my ups and downs, and there you were
With sweet love and devotion
Deeply touching my emotion

I close my eyes at night
Wondering where would I be without you in my life

Daniel Bedingfield – If You’re Not The One

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

Bedingfield (brother of Natasha, one of my new favorite artists) has a beautiful voice.

Rascal Flatts – Life Is A Highway (from the Cars Soundtrack)

Come ride with me to the distant shore

Just tell ’em we’re survivors

There was a distance between you and I
A misunderstanding once
But now we look in the eye

OK, this is a really energetic song and I looooove it, and it really doesn’t belong on this list because it doesn’t make me sad at all. But a few of the lyrics went along with the theme….

Keith Urban – Making Memories of Us

I wanna sleep with you forever
And I wanna die in your arms

Sinead O’Connor – Nothing Compares 2 U

But nothing
I said nothing can take away these blues
`Cause nothing compares
To you

Yes, straight out of junior high, but such a good song sometimes. Really, truly depressing though.

Rihanna – SOS

‘Cause every moment gone you know I miss you
I’m the question and you’re of course the answer

Another really upbeat song, but the lyrics betray the energy

Sara Evans – These Four Walls

I’m not famous, but my kids think I’m a star
I’m not rich, but I’ve made a million memories so far
I may not be a model, but my man thinks I could be
I may not be from royalty, but in these four walls I’m the queen

I had to let it go, but I have no regrets
I would have never known this kind of happiness

This song just continues my thoughts from a few weeks back about women staying home with their kids and not continuing their careers. I still have… unsettling thoughts on this topic, and am unresolved about the whole thing.

Annie Lennox – Walking on Broken Glass

I’m living in an empty room
With all the windows smashed
And I’ve got so little left to lose

Nick Lachey – What’s Left of Me

Cause I want you,
And I feel you,
Crawling underneath my skin
Like a hunger,
Like a burning,
To find a place I’ve never been
Now I’m broken,
And I’m faded,
I’m half the man I thought I would be:
But you can have what’s left of me

I’ve been dying inside,
Little by little,
No where to go,
But going out of my mind
In endless circles

If you go on iTunes and look up this album, lots of people will give really positive comments about it. They’re right. It’s fantastic. I may think he’s an idiot for marrying Jessica Simpson and for having that reality TV show, but his music here is amazing. This song in particular, especially if you can forget the whole Jessica situation and listen to it just as a song without context, is fabulous.

Rascal Flatts – What Hurts the Most

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away

No, I don’t actually have anyone that I feel this way about. This song is really about regrets, and I don’t have those. But I understand where it’s coming from, and it takes me back to a time when I felt very similar to this.

Tim McGraw – When the Stars Go Blue

Where do you go when you’re lonely
Where do you go when you’re blue
Where do you go when you’re lonely
I’ll follow you
When the stars go blue

James Blunt – You’re Beautiful

You’re beautiful. You’re beautiful.
You’re beautiful, it’s true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don’t know what to do,
‘Cause I’ll never be with you.

Sigh. Can I say more?

Shawn Mullins – You Mean Everything to Me

You mean everything to me
So if there is anything at all
All you’ve got to do is call
And you know that I would
Drive 10,000 miles
Just to show you that I care
Just to kiss your honey hair
And pull you close and hold you
Like a child

Really, here’s what I think is going on. [Editor’s interruption: I’m not sure this post will actually make it online, but perhaps no one will have read to the end of this long post and so it won’t matter?] They stopped providing my meds from Canada, and my prescription ran out. And I’ve been super lazy in getting it refilled here, so, well, I’m out. I was actually out about a week ago, but I’ve been taking a pill here and there, kind of rationing them out. Yes, I know this is bad, and I can’t actually stop cold turkey (it says so right on the package), and all I really need to do is walk over to Walgreens tonight and find out what it’s going to take to fix the situation. No lectures, please.

But in the midst of my laziness, I’ve slipped back (just a little) into what it felt like before I was on meds. It’s just a glimpse, really, but enough to know a few things. One, it is not time to lower my dosage or stop altogether. I am not “better,” as I suspected. 15 years of feeling one way due to a chemical imbalance cannot be completely overcome by 3 years of meds. That’s the honest truth. But two, there is a whole set of… feelings that I no longer experience at all, a whole way of being, a way I could have defined myself, that isn’t a part of me anymore. And while I don’t really want to be the person I used to be, and I know that who I am now is better, it makes me a little sad for that lost part of myself that I can never truly get back. I mean, I can, by going of meds, but I can’t really get it back as just a “part” of myself. It’s all or nothing, and I’m not about to go back to being that person, as much as I miss her, as much as she was a part of me for so many years, as much as she was a much more inspired writer and artist, much more in touch with my inner life… she needs to stay gone. And that’s really hard.

There’s enough people in my life who don’t even know me as I used to be. does, and held my hand when I first went on meds, but in the four years of our friendship, only one of them was the old me. And I don’t think I was as close to yet. Yes, there’s family, but they’ve known me through everything, and that’s an entirely different perspective. Plus, they have to love me. All my friends from college and high school youth group (mainly know me before, but I barely know them now. We’re not close, on a day-to-day basis, so they can hardly judge.

I’m not sure if I set out what I meant to say, or if I said anything of [understandable] substance at all. There’s no reason to worry. In fact, I’m leaving work shortly, and I’ll stop at home to pick up my prescription and walk myself over to Walgreens pronto. But, in case anyone read this far… I thought you should know, that’s where I am (emotionally speaking). And I’m feeling… anxious, naked, about having put this out there, but I’m going to be brave.

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