Today’s Frustration

So, of the two history classes that Hamline will let me transfer from St Paul College being offered this fall, my options are to take the Thursday night one (which I’d prefer not to do) or to do it online, which I didn’t want to do for a history class (economics, however, I’d gladly take online).

Which originally had me questioning if I should just give up on Hamline, since Bethel will let me transfer several of the other classes. Looking into it further, however, that doesn’t actually give me any more choices for a class this fall, unless I take one during working hours.

So do I give up on St Paul College then? Try something besides history? Take another semester off? If I take a class at Metro State, transportation home from a night class is a nightmare. (And even with the addition of a bike in my life, there’s a freaking huge hill to be surmounted from downtown up to my house, and things get cold and icy around November, and that just doesn’t seem like a viable option.) (Furthermore, even if I owned a car this wouldn’t help, since I’d have to bus to Metro State directly from work, and then bus home anyways.)

Will somebody please just tell me what to do? I’m tired of being a grown-up and having to make these decisions for myself. I’m tired of putting my life on hold, tired of my current job, tired of the frustrations that not majoring in anything transferable bring about….

If it were an option, I’d just take 9 months off from my job and enroll full-time at one of the local colleges and just get all that undergrad stuff out of the way. But seeing as how I’m not independently wealthy, and would feel incredibly bad leaving my current job…. that’s not going to happen.

Oh, plus, to muck up the waters more, the “tuition due date” is in 10 days. Of course, you can add a class up until 5 days into the semester, which gives me until about the 25th of August, at which point I could probably find most of the tuition for one class. August just kinda snuck up on me – this summer has gone by quickly, and I just haven’t been able to save the money up. Cuz, you know, rent and groceries are important.

Wow, what a whiny sob story. My apologies. All in all, it’s not a huge problem, given all the things that could be wrong in my life. I could be starving or homeless or an unwed mother or dying of an incurable disease or in an abusive relationship or… I could go on. So really, this whole “difficulty starting down the path to a new career” problem is just a speed bump.

And I know is just going to pipe in here and tell me to contact about the website designing job, because that could pay for a class right there (potentially, or at least pay for a credit), and she’s right, I should (I’ve been avoiding doing so all week). But that still doesn’t clear up scheduling conflicts and general frustration with my options.

It’s really just too bad that my first career option made me so unhappy, since I actually enjoyed doing it (if that doesn’t sound contradictory, I don’t know what does). Maybe if I knew how to work a crowd or schmooze or play along or didn’t have strong opinions and ideas about all things church-related, I wouldn’t have gotten so burnt out so quickly. But that’s a lot of maybees. And maybees don’t really get me anywhere, do they.

I don’t regret my undergraduate degree choice, or the five years post-college I spent in ministry. I had a great time in college, made great friends, learned a lot, and grew as a person. And all of my jobs after that, at least I learned something about myself, if nothing else, and I grew a lot spiritually (for a while, at least). I was doing what I was supposed to do (I mean that God-wise, not society-wise). And I don’t regret taking the last year off. It meant I could emotionally recover from that last job, and spend more time with and my friends, and could relax and have free time for the first time in a looooong time. I’m just getting frustrated that the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel seems to be fading, getting further away, instead of closer like I want it to be. Like quicksand, slipping through my fingers and out of my grasp.

[Editor’s note: I’m not actually having a bad day, nor am I in a bad mood. Just needed to get that rant into words and out of my head. Plus, this way, I don’t have to rant separately to the three of you who I know read this. Lazy, I know.]

One Reply to “Today’s Frustration”

  1. I guess you just have to ask yourself, is it worth it?

    Why is Thursday so important to you? Can that time be replaced or done without? Is that time more important to you than the pursuit of your dream?

    If money really is an issue, at least ask S about the job before ignoring her into oblivion. Find out if it is feasible. At least then, if it is not workable at all, you’ll know. Or, if it is workable, you’ll know that too.

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