This is like the third time I’ve gone to Blogger to post and then forgotten what I was going to write.
I had a dream last night that I was getting my hair highlighted and went almost completely blond. OK, a pale strawberry-blond. And I looked good. I’m not sure the dream-interpretation websites have anything to say about that. I think it just means that after the sun I got last weekend, I should get some more so I don’t have to worry that my roots are growing in darker brown.
What was I going to say in the first place?
Oh, right. So I realized something last night that was very… positive and self-affirming. I used to be a very trusting person, always believing the best in others (OK, not all others) even when evidence to the contrary was front-and-center. I always believed someone could be a better person, had great potential, had the best of intentions (even if their actions didn’t seem like it). I assumed people told me the truth, presented themselves and situations truthfully, and, you know, were basically good.
And then, between what happened at my church in Michigan (with the lies and the deceit) and my first church here in Minnesota (with the unspoken expectations and… just bad stuff)… I didn’t feel that way anymore. I stopped trusting people outright. They had to earn it. I stopped (as much as I could) wearing my heart on my shoulder. It takes me a long longer to warm up to people, not hold everything in suspect.
What I realized last night, when thinking about moving in and how much I just want her as a friend, was that based on, what, an hour talking to her, I’d totally accepted her and trusted her and believed the best.
Ladies and gentlemen, I’m back! It may not seem like that big of a deal to you, but it means… I’m over it. And it’s taken me a really long time. There’s no shortcut on a journey like that. But I happen to have had some people in my life who stuck with me (some with whom relationships even got stronger), and some new people in my life who were OK with where I was at and accepted me as me, and who ended up being trustworthy and deserving of being believed in.
So, doing the math… it only took 4 years to get over the unpleasantness that was my first church in Minnesota. Granted, I only worked there for 4 1/2 months…. It was always really hard for me to get over guys, too, even when they’d just been crushes and I changed my feelings for them, or I broke up with them (the number of times a guy has actually broken up with me is startlingly small, compared to the opposite situation – the ratio is way messed up).
My heart’s like an elephant. OK, that didn’t come out right. What’s the parallel phrase for “memory like an elephant”?
So, really, this is quite monumental. Not… shocking, like it didn’t happen in an instant – it’s been gradual and unless someone was paying attention, they probably wouldn’t notice over the course of time. If I had a therapist, I’m pretty sure he/she’d be quite proud of me. So instead, since my therapist is basically this blog, talking to myself, and good friends… y’all can be proud of me, and I can be proud of me. (Because if you can’t brag about your accomplishments on your own blog, where can you?)