Not halfway into my can of Sprite, I am feeling hungry (yay!) and less nauseous. Hasn’t helped much with the fact that I’m running on 2 hours of sleep, but I was able to be cordial and give a 3/4 smile to a coworker. Three cheers for progress! Of course, I’m still going to have to go home early to get sleep and find food - everything I think of that’s available in the Skyway is unappetizing. Unfortunately the soup place doesn’t have Chicken Noodle today, because that would be fantastic. Crackers would be good. (My stomach just loudly agreed.)

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I have had approximately six hours of sleep in the last two days. Monday night I was high-strung about the email I’d sent to and didn’t end up falling asleep until 4:30. Last night I fell asleep fine, around one maybe, but woke up at 3:30 and didn’t really get back to sleep at all. I snoozed briefly from 6:30 to 7, and got another 10 minutes in before catching my bus, but it was all full of dreams that have only confused me more. I didn’t even get good sleep on Sunday night - a full night’s sleep, but interrupted several times for no good reason.

I’m wondering if it’s the Wellbutrin. I’m “supposed” to take one pill in the morning and one at night, but for the past several months I’ve been lazy and just taken both at night with the rest of my pills. Last Friday I started taking them in the morning again, and I’m wondering if this is what’s having the most powerful effect on my sleep. I’m sure the stress related to boys isn’t helping, either.

So I’m going to keep reminding myself of how little sleep I’ve gotten, so that I don’t freak out about how I’m feeling and what I’m thinking. I’m so frickin’ confused and can’t think straight but can’t stop thinking either. I was really hoping there would be some work to do so I could get my mind off of me. Alas, no. Plus, I just feel sick. My tummy feels… blech, kinda threatening, and I’m all jittery like I’ve had coffee on an empty stomach (though I haven’t). I tried eating some oatmeal this morning (my pantry’s a little bare, and I didn’t think corn on the cob would make a good breakfast), but only got a few bites before losing my appetite. I know I need to eat but everything makes me feel ill, just to think about. I hate it when I get that way. And sitting here at my desk, all I want to do is take a long nap or cry, and I can’t figure out which one would feel better. I think I’m going home sick today, perhaps when is at lunch. There’s really nothing for me to do, other than return an email to which I couldn’t even bring myself to read for about half an hour.

And I’m torn between reaching out to friends (and ) for help (which I have a hard time doing, despite the multiple fortune cookie papers and Jones’ Soda lids that tell me “people will listen and are willing to help”), and wanting to figure it out on my own.

Yes, I’m a mess at the moment, and yes, I will be OK. I’ve had no sleep, and once I relate the details of last night’s date, it might make more sense (and and , don’t worry if that sounds cryptic - nothing bad happened and you don’t need to go find him and hurt him). Blame it on the lack of sleep, and we’ll see how I’m doing once I’ve had a decent few hours worth. No need to call. For now I’ve gotta do this on my own.

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Quickly, before leaving work, I’d like to go on record and remind people that when I fall for a guy, I fall fast, and I fall hard. Just putting that out there. You’ve been told.

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didn’t run away and actually understood where I was coming from in my almost-neurotic email yesterday. We’re still on for tonight, where there will be “talking” about said items. I am more than pleasantly surprised.

I walked halfway to work this morning - calming and therapeutic. I woke up at 9, but hadn’t been able to fall asleep until 4:30 am. I knew both of my bosses weren’t coming in until noon-ish, so I let myself stay relaxed and not rush this morning. I made myself get out of bed, reminding myself that the sooner I got ready and got to work, the sooner I’d find out how he responded. I showered (always a good idea when a date is scheduled later) and dressed in my casual-comfortable clothes, grabbed an apple, and started walking. (Really, the next bus wasn’t going to come for 15 minutes, so it was either sit at the bus stop or take the scenic route through the park - not much of a decision there). Frank Sinatra crooned through my headphones, the morning air was damp and cool and felt wonderful on my skin. My neighborhood is relatively calm and quiet in the mornings. I was feeling pretty good by the time called. Got caught up with her a bit, scheduled some get-together time, and arrived at work to find not only both bosses not in yet, but also the co-worker across the aisle from me not in (apparently out sick).

Checked email, reading the one from last, just in case it was going to make me uber-emotional. Had to forward the good parts, or at least a summary of the good parts, to and and . Then called to share in my joy and be happy with me.

Regardless of the fact that I’m going to be bored out of my skull here today at work, I’ve got a date to look forward to, and no matter what will be surrounded by friends and family who love me. I have the most amazing friends (and sister, but she really counts as a friend these days) in the world! I don’t tell them often enough. A web-broadcast of that idea should make up for some of that, right? Love you all!

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I’ve finally talked myself back into being in a good mood. I forced myself to stop thinking about things negatively, and ran through a list in my head of all the good things that have happened with so far - things he’s said, things we’ve done together, the way he makes me feel. I even let myself positively daydream about tonight’s date. Even though it may be getting up my hopes without cause, but it felt like a better idea than entertaining all the negative thoughts that were weighing me down.

Which is really quite a switch from the day-dreaming romantic I used to be. Secretly I’m still that girl inside, but she’s protected these days with a hefty layer of skepticism and pessimism. I intentionally let myself get carried away with , which meant I was more hurt in the end, and I don’t regret that one bit, but a girl’s heart can only take so much. When things with died out, despite how… passionately I felt, I guess that only reinforced the boundaries.

So I’m teetering between protecting myself and letting myself dream. I’ll walk the fine line, for my own sanity and emotional health.

And I’m not going to be a tease, play games, act coy, or whatever else makes dating stupid in the sense of getting to know someone. I aspire to, in all situations, present myself truthfully - good and bad - even if that hasn’t always had the best results in the past. I still think it’s the best way to go. (Plus, I have no ability to control the look on my face, so acting differently than I feel is nearly impossible and usually ineffective.) And if I act the way I feel and gets the wrong idea, that’s not entirely my fault and I won’t feel guilty about it. I told him clearly that I wasn’t sure how I felt - no room for interpretation there. Sure, I stroked his ego a bit, but it was all true and not exaggerated. He said himself guys don’t know what’s going on, and having personally experienced the cluelessness of several guys, bluntness isn’t a bad idea. So we’ll find out in a few hours how bluntness (and brutal honesty about revelations probably best saved for later in a relationship) works for me. If it doesn’t, there’s bound to be someone else interested sometime in the future, and I can try a different approach.

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(You know, it’s only boys that make me journal this much - they truly are my kryptonite.)

So most of tonight has been blocking out thoughts, trying not to wonder what might think after my last email, trying not to come up with alternate wording, trying not to think I made a mistake. I keep telling myself that regardless of what he thinks, I was being true to myself and doing what I thought was right. And if I messed up what could be a great thing? It’s only bee two weeks and three dates and a couple handfuls of emails. I was perfectly content with life before I met him, and I will meet other people. He is not my last chance. I am a wonderful person, and if he’s not willing to wait around and discover that, it’s his loss.

I haven’t talked to God in a long time. I haven’t strayed from my faith, per se, I just haven’t connected with it since… I’m not sure when. Before I left . I haven’t changed or betrayed my beliefs. But I haven’t prayed or read my Bible or been careful about what movies/books/conversations I partake in. I’ve gotten lax in my language.

I keep telling myself this is my time to rebel a little, relax, find myself a bit outside of my faith. For so long I’ve defined myself in terms of faith and church and belief. It’s not exactly correct to say there’s more to me than that, because they truly are foundation (well, at least faith is). I need this chance to explore myself outside the protection of the church, out in the world. Can I hack it? I think so, but I need to find out. I’m still not going to do anything that would constitute much of a rebellion - some of that is far too ingrained to turn my back on. I won’t have sex, get drunk, intentionally hurt others, become a hateful person, break laws.

And I will make my way back, hopefully stronger in faith and more solid and confident in my sense of self.

There will be no more stressing about boys tonight. Either he wants to see me again or he doesn’t. It doesn’t determine my value. And worrying isn’t going to change his response one bit. I’ll take ’s advice:

“Be sure to enjoy life too… Sometimes you sound like you’re punishing yourself for feeling happy. It is OK to be happy and giddy and excited. Don’t destroy any opportunity for romance before it even starts, especially if you are not sure of the extent of your feelings. Give it time to grow.”

I’ll try.

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Definitely going to be ill. Thankfully I’ve eaten, like, nothing today. (Might be contributing to the problem, actually.) Email sent, confessions made, and now I’m just waiting for him to run away scared. Against the advice of my friends and , I told him some things that have been revealed to the whole world here, but rarely to a specific person. Yell at me all you want to in comments or email, I couldn’t resist, and thought a very long time about it (well, as long as I could possibly stand before my head exploded) before doing so.

Maybe he’s too busy at work and won’t read it until tomorrow. Not that I want to retract anything I said, but I’m having a hard time coping with what’s next.

If anyone has the name of a good psychiatrist, send me their contact info in comments.

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I may very well be ill. Right now. More startling self-revelations today (though perhaps not so startling for those around me).

I have a really hard time opening up to people. I’m trying to respond to an email from . He laid it on the table, said he liked me, but isn’t sure if I like him. I’m trying to explain myself (which really shouldn’t be done over email, but I think I could have this conversation in person, so it’s not all that bad) and my situation and not wanting to hurt him or be a tease, and it’s just really hard being vulnerable. I don’t understand it fully, because I have no problem doing so with and and . And over the years there have been other friends who have filled those positions at one time or another, even guy friends. But right now I feel like throwing up. Or crying. (Or both.) Neither are acceptable at work. Good Lord, is this perhaps why I don’t date? Again the phrase comes to mind, “permanently and irreparably damaged.” Just wish I could figure out the trigger for it all.

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I’ve done some catching-up today. Yes, I still have months-old emails to return to college friends (and one good high school friend), but I’m not quite sure what to say right now and thought that maybe if I delayed just a little bit more it would be advantageous. But, I did finally stop down to the second floor and get a new ID badge printed (mine has been missing since the end of July - oops! - and I’ve been using a temporary one ever since) and to pick up something from BIT for one of our managers (not like they couldn’t drop it off up here?). And I stopped to get a roll of quarters so I can finish my laundry up tonight. Between the house being clean and laundry being done, I just won’t know what to do with myself come Wednesday night.

Lord Almighty, the things that boy can say in email that make a girl incapable of focusing on work! I’m having a hard time coping. Must return email and explain some things….

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I just realized that, while I had been giddy all morning with friends via email, I completely neglected to mention to my blog-reading public that I am deliriously happy today. Sent a quick “I had a good time” email to , trying to send him one before he sent me one, since he’s always said it first. All worrying over the weekend was for naught - he had a good time and asked me out for Tuesday and this weekend. He also sent a link to the picture he took of us holding hands in our cargo pants, where my nail polish looks incredibly orange and ugly. I’m going to have to change that tonight. Sent the picture to and and , who shared greatly in my joy (OK, hasn’t actually responded, but she is officially in-transit from Ohio, and I’m sure if she were here and checking her email, she would have). and I made plans to color hair this weekend - I am in serious need of a dye job (1/2″ brown roots are not pretty), and she needs highlights again. , I’m saving Friday night tentatively for you, assuming you don’t work that night. I want to see you this weekend sometime, and friends come first before boys! Friends are in for the long haul, and boys, well, usually not.

I’m still holding back, with himself and my friends in general. ( got a bunch of normally TMI and boring details, but being the good sister that she is, she only asked for more, and was screaming happy for me via email). It goes back to not being sure how I really feel (happiness about someone else enjoying spending time with you and liking you doesn’t really mean you like them necessarily) and having broken hearts before without meaning to. It sounds so arrogant, but I’ve seen the look in too many guys’ faces to not try and avoid it as much as possible.

Work is really slow, and just left for a meeting. I’m listening to “Summer 2005″ to avoid hearing co-workers talk loudly in the cube near me. So annoying. It’s decreased my joy slightly. I’m also starving, which could be killing my buzz.

Did I mention I feel like I’m 19 again? Let’s re-cap the great things in my life:

• I may not have many friends, but the ones I do have are wonderful and always there for me and willing to listen to me blather on incessantly.
• My family is increasingly more functional
• This is my first August in Minnesota where I haven’t been looking for a new place to live. Yay!
• I’m only working one job and feeling the tension melt away that is still residual from the extra one, becoming more laid-back every day. Yes, at some point I’ll need to find a part-time gig (preferably at Barnes & Noble or the Minnesota History Center if anyone is reading and wants to hire me), but for now I’m feeling relaxed and pretty lazy.
• There is a boy out there who likes me for me, and seems willing to take things slow, and makes me laugh and smile… more than any guy has before (startling revelation I just had). (Ignore self-conscious thoughts warning to not screw it up.)

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1. Girlfriends:: are wonderful
2. Here to stay:: I am
3. Call me:: crazy, but…
4. Frustrated:: with myself
5. Public school:: painful
6. Glitch:: in the system
7. Cheese:: yummy!
8. Director:: of…
9. Pivotal:: experience
10. Exclusive:: restaurant

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Today has been an exercise in self-control. I woke up at 11:30 to a phone call from . After my sleep-deprived brain talked her ear off, almost without censorship, I had breakfast and showered and watched the TiVo‘ed episode of McLeod’s Daughters (fantastic!). But I was thinking way too much and didn’t want to, so I indulged my OCD tendencies and cleaned the stove top and the outside of the fridge (even organized the magnets). I pulled out my iPaq for some mind-numbing games of Mah-Jong and Pyramid, did some laundry, played my guitar, read a little. All the while, my thoughts were still going nonstop, though a bit quieter. I made dinner, watched some TV. Now I’m tired enough to go to bed (short day!), and thought maybe writing some things down would help sleep come easier and be hopefully interrupted.

Spent Friday afternoon at the State Fair with and had a good time. After she left to spend the weekend with family, I cleaned house (to be fair, a lot was done while she was still at my house, but I was feeling restless). The living room is actually livable now.

I slept in Saturday, tried to be lazy as I showered and dressed and got ready for the day, but I was really getting ready for a date with no real plans and no place either of us had to be later. I was nervous, anxious, tense. I was carrying my phone in my pocket, so when he called I answered on the first ring, silently berating myself for doing so.

I’m going to see if I can keep this short. picked me up and we went to play Frisbee in the park. We walked around downtown Minneapolis holding hands (stopped to play another round of foosball - my win, but he was without his glasses, so my 16-14 win doesn’t seem like that great an accomplishment - so I’m now up one game, 2-1), played Scrabble back at my house, grabbed dinner, and watched TV (he picked out Amelie from the roommate’s collection, and then we flipped around cable for a long while). We got cozy on the couch, more so than I’ve been with other guys (though not by much). It was so… comfortable and nice, though that’s probably not how he’d want me to describe it. I love talking with him and spending time with him (he even got the seal of approval). He’d make a really good friend, though I kinda want more (which is technically what dating is, I suppose).

I finally kicked him out at 2:45 a.m. - amazing, since he picked me up at 2, almost 13 hours earlier. He kissed me goodnight, sweetly, and soon after journaling I lost consciousness in bed. He’s all I dreamt about - modifications on how the night could have gone, things that happen in the future, things I probably subconsciously wished had happened but I got in the way of myself.

And then I spent all day Sunday stressing and obsessing and wondering and trying not to do all of it. I wanted to call people and talk, and I didn’t want to at the same time. I’m all confused and don’t know what I think or feel at all, where he’s at, what might happen next. My tummy feels all tingly-weird, like just before going on stage to speak or perform.

He makes me feel good about myself and I’d like to see things work out. That’s a start.

*I have to remind myself that close friends like and read this frequently, and so I probably shouldn’t post every single thought that comes into my head.

Speaking of , where are you? Are you in this state? Ohio still? Your phone keeps cutting out on me!!! (And when you called on Sunday I was with , so I didn’t try too hard to call you back. You understand.)

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Tomorrow afternoon I am going to go play Frisbee with , and then, well, who knows what. Both of us have the rest of the day free. (And yes, if this date goes well, then I’ll make up a name graphic for him - still being cautiously optimistic.)

I woke up at 6 this morning, because that’s when the thunderstorm hit St Paul. I stirred, the cat stirred, and there was no getting back to the dream state I was in. It’s too bad, really, because I have no idea what I was dreaming about, just a general sense of what I was feeling. Oh well.

I only have to work until noon today, so I’m busting my butt to get the work on my desk done. I was gone a lot this week (OK, really just Wednesday, but there was a lot of work floating around the office to get done) and feel like I’m playing catch up. Right now I’m revising contracts. OK, really right now I’m blogging. Technicality.

Next week I’ll be modifying some PowerPoint presentations, making them visually “stunning.”

I didn’t get to cleaning as much of my house last night as I wanted to. I cleaned off the main counter top in the kitchen (which was dirty again this morning, despite the note I left for roommates hinting we could keep it clean). I cleaned off the chair in my bedroom (again), vacuumed and wet-Swiffered my bedroom floor, cleared off the top of the dresser in front of the fish tank (thought the fish might enjoy a view other than miscellaneous hair ties and earrings. I also wet-Swiffered the bathroom floor. There’s still more I’d like to get done (I’ve got a list), and is going to be gone for the weekend, which should help. (I have her to thank for the coffee stains on the newly cleaned countertop - at least she did up all her dishes and offered to let me borrow an umbrella since mine was missing; it has since been found, miracle of miracles.)

I’d really like to get the living room in respectable order. Entertaining and in my bedroom is fine (no, not that kind of entertaining - get your mind out of the gutter!), but it’s not where I’d feel most comfortable having others. Too many years of not having boys allowed in bedrooms, both while growing up and then at college as well (the few hours a week when we had “open dorm” really didn’t make up for the rest of the time when rules were very strict on the subject, and it still feels awkward to have guys in my bedroom for any reason).

Back to work on contracts. I need to call to make sure we’re still on for the fair (seeing as how it’s still raining), and perhaps get some caffeine before leaving work. Oh, and return ’s email about plans for tomorrow. [sigh]

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the Farmer’s Market! It makes me feel like I live in the most perfect place in the whole world. For $11, I got:

• a beautiful bouquet of flowers
• fingerling potatoes
• several multi-colored bell peppers
• more green beans than I can eat, and
• half-a-dozen ears of corn

Plus, you get to see the people who actually profit from your money, and it makes me feel good. Heck, the $5 bouquet of flowers is worth it.

The walk outside (as well as the Mocha Frappuccino) really improved my attitude. I had to force myself into a halfway-decent one so I could email (seeing as how it’s been noted that I usually email him when I’m in a bad mood - yet still he’s interested and so I don’t know what to make of that exactly). I got to talk to a bit, and she was complaining about some situations going around, so that helped, just to be able to commiserate.

The big yellow sunflowers staring at me, though, they’re really just the boost I needed. I should be nice to myself more. (OK, yeah, I am nice to myself, and buy myself things more often than I should. Maybe I should forgo the stuff and just buy myself flowers. Whatdya think?)

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I am so very tired today. Bad combination all around: out late Tuesday (OK, 10:30 isn’t late, but it’s not like I fall asleep the moment I walk into my house), up early Wednesday for stupid meeting, work later than I needed to, starving but no food in house so walk to co-op but call on the way and end up delaying trip for groceries by a good 45 minutes, finally find food and make bad excuse for dinner, catch TiVo‘d episode of The Closer, attempt to clean up bedroom, lose mind and become completely neurotic, stay up far too late with said neurosis giving self counseling, crisis over, can’t sleep, finish reading book, lose consciousness, wake up late but not late enough, skip shower so can be at work at reasonable (as in, before 10 am) hour, spend morning typing names from staff directory into Excel spreadsheet.

Yeah, don’tcha wish you were me?

Last night’s loss of sanity will not be shared here (a girl’s gotta have some secrets, right?). You could probably guess if you wanted to, but I’m done talking and thinking about it, water under the bridge.

Made plans to go to the Minnesota State Fair with tomorrow afternoon - another mini-vacation for me! had suggested we go, but shares my same cynicism and pessimism about the whole ordeal, seeing as how we were roommates when we lived across the street from the fairgrounds. Don’t want to bring anyone else down, ya know?

I skipped a dose of Wellbutrin on Tuesday night - not on purpose, I just was too tired and fell asleep before I could remember. It’s kinda hitting me today. Of course, it could just be the result of earlier emotional madness. I coulda sworn yesterday my hormones were out of whack - I don’t normally cry for no reason. I’m turning into a girl. Wait, that’s not right, I am a girl. I’m turning into… a girlie-girl. There. (Of course, and would probably argue that I am a girlie-girl.)

I’ve ceased making sense, and as much as I’m hiding from the stupid projects that are sitting on my desk, they have to get tackled at some point. The chocolate is not curing today’s blues. I bet a nap would, though. I’m just far more emotional when I’m overtired, so in case you’ve read the last several posts in a row and have concluded that I’m bipolar or manic-depressive or whatever PC term we’re using these days, you’re wrong. Honestly. I’m not really crazy. And I’m shutting up now. Get back to work. Yes, you, there, your boss wants you. Stop looking at me like that!

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