Not halfway into my can of Sprite, I am feeling hungry (yay!) and less nauseous. Hasn’t helped much with the fact that I’m running on 2 hours of sleep, but I was able to be cordial and give a 3/4 smile to a coworker. Three cheers for progress! Of course, I’m still going to have to go home early to get sleep and find food – everything I think of that’s available in the Skyway is unappetizing. Unfortunately the soup place doesn’t have Chicken Noodle today, because that would be fantastic. Crackers would be good. (My stomach just loudly agreed.)
Quickly, before leaving work, I’d like to go on record and remind people that when I fall for a guy, I fall fast, and I fall hard. Just putting that out there. You’ve been told.
didn’t run away and actually understood where I was coming from in my almost-neurotic email yesterday. We’re still on for tonight, where there will be “talking” about said items. I am more than pleasantly surprised.
I walked halfway to work this morning – calming and therapeutic. I woke up at 9, but hadn’t been able to fall asleep until 4:30 am. I knew both of my bosses weren’t coming in until noon-ish, so I let myself stay relaxed and not rush this morning. I made myself get out of bed, reminding myself that the sooner I got ready and got to work, the sooner I’d find out how he responded. I showered (always a good idea when a date is scheduled later) and dressed in my casual-comfortable clothes, grabbed an apple, and started walking. (Really, the next bus wasn’t going to come for 15 minutes, so it was either sit at the bus stop or take the scenic route through the park – not much of a decision there). Frank Sinatra crooned through my headphones, the morning air was damp and cool and felt wonderful on my skin. My neighborhood is relatively calm and quiet in the mornings. I was feeling pretty good by the time called. Got caught up with her a bit, scheduled some get-together time, and arrived at work to find not only both bosses not in yet, but also the co-worker across the aisle from me not in (apparently out sick).
Checked email, reading the one from last, just in case it was going to make me uber-emotional. Had to forward the good parts, or at least a summary of the good parts, to and and . Then called to share in my joy and be happy with me.
Regardless of the fact that I’m going to be bored out of my skull here today at work, I’ve got a date to look forward to, and no matter what will be surrounded by friends and family who love me. I have the most amazing friends (and sister, but she really counts as a friend these days) in the world! I don’t tell them often enough. A web-broadcast of that idea should make up for some of that, right? Love you all!
(You know, it’s only boys that make me journal this much – they truly are my kryptonite.)
So most of tonight has been blocking out thoughts, trying not to wonder what might think after my last email, trying not to come up with alternate wording, trying not to think I made a mistake. I keep telling myself that regardless of what he thinks, I was being true to myself and doing what I thought was right. And if I messed up what could be a great thing? It’s only been two weeks and three dates and a couple handfuls of emails. I was perfectly content with life before I met him, and I will meet other people. He is not my last chance. I am a wonderful person, and if he’s not willing to wait around and discover that, it’s his loss.
I haven’t talked to God in a long time. I haven’t strayed from my faith, per se, I just haven’t connected with it since… I’m not sure when. Before I left . I haven’t changed or betrayed my beliefs. But I haven’t prayed or read my Bible or been careful about what movies/books/conversations I partake in. I’ve gotten lax in my language.
I keep telling myself this is my time to rebel a little, relax, find myself a bit outside of my faith. For so long I’ve defined myself in terms of faith and church and belief. It’s not exactly correct to say there’s more to me than that, because they truly are foundation (well, at least faith is). I need this chance to explore myself outside the protection of the church, out in the world. Can I hack it? I think so, but I need to find out. I’m still not going to do anything that would constitute much of a rebellion – some of that is far too ingrained to turn my back on. I won’t have sex, get drunk, intentionally hurt others, become a hateful person, break laws.
And I will make my way back, hopefully stronger in faith and more solid and confident in my sense of self.
There will be no more stressing about boys tonight. Either he wants to see me again or he doesn’t. It doesn’t determine my value. And worrying isn’t going to change his response one bit. I’ll take ‘s advice:
“Be sure to enjoy life too… Sometimes you sound like you’re punishing yourself for feeling happy. It is OK to be happy and giddy and excited. Don’t destroy any opportunity for romance before it even starts, especially if you are not sure of the extent of your feelings. Give it time to grow.”
Definitely going to be ill. Thankfully I’ve eaten, like, nothing today. (Might be contributing to the problem, actually.) Email sent, confessions made, and now I’m just waiting for him to run away scared. Against the advice of my friends and , I told him some things that have been revealed to the whole world here, but rarely to a specific person. Yell at me all you want to in comments or email, I couldn’t resist, and thought a very long time about it (well, as long as I could possibly stand before my head exploded) before doing so.
Maybe he’s too busy at work and won’t read it until tomorrow. Not that I want to retract anything I said, but I’m having a hard time coping with what’s next.
If anyone has the name of a good psychiatrist, send me their contact info in comments.
I just realized that, while I had been giddy all morning with friends via email, I completely neglected to mention to my blog-reading public that I am deliriously happy today. Sent a quick “I had a good time” email to , trying to send him one before he sent me one, since he’s always said it first. All worrying over the weekend was for naught – he had a good time and asked me out for Tuesday and this weekend. He also sent a link to the picture he took of us holding hands in our cargo pants, where my nail polish looks incredibly orange and ugly. I’m going to have to change that tonight. Sent the picture to and and , who shared greatly in my joy (OK, hasn’t actually responded, but she is officially in-transit from Ohio, and I’m sure if she were here and checking her email, she would have). and I made plans to color hair this weekend – I am in serious need of a dye job (1/2″ brown roots are not pretty), and she needs highlights again. , I’m saving Friday night tentatively for you, assuming you don’t work that night. I want to see you this weekend sometime, and friends come first before boys! Friends are in for the long haul, and boys, well, usually not.
I’m still holding back, with himself and my friends in general. ( got a bunch of normally TMI and boring details, but being the good sister that she is, she only asked for more, and was screaming happy for me via email). It goes back to not being sure how I really feel (happiness about someone else enjoying spending time with you and liking you doesn’t really mean you like them necessarily) and having broken hearts before without meaning to. It sounds so arrogant, but I’ve seen the look in too many guys’ faces to not try and avoid it as much as possible.
Work is really slow, and just left for a meeting. I’m listening to “Summer 2005″ to avoid hearing co-workers talk loudly in the cube near me. So annoying. It’s decreased my joy slightly. I’m also starving, which could be killing my buzz.
Did I mention I feel like I’m 19 again? Let’s re-cap the great things in my life:
- I may not have many friends, but the ones I do have are wonderful and always there for me and willing to listen to me blather on incessantly.
- My family is increasingly more functional
- This is my first August in Minnesota where I haven’t been looking for a new place to live. Yay!
- I’m only working one job and feeling the tension melt away that is still residual from the extra one, becoming more laid-back every day. Yes, at some point I’ll need to find a part-time gig (preferably at Barnes & Noble or the Minnesota History Center if anyone is reading and wants to hire me), but for now I’m feeling relaxed and pretty lazy.
- There is a boy out there who likes me for me, and seems willing to take things slow, and makes me laugh and smile… more than any guy has before (startling revelation I just had). (Ignore self-conscious thoughts warning to not screw it up.)
- Girlfriends:: are wonderful
- Here to stay:: I am
- Call me:: crazy, but…
- Frustrated:: with myself
- Public school:: painful
- Glitch:: in the system
- Cheese:: yummy!
- Director:: of…
- Pivotal:: experience
- Exclusive:: restaurant
Today has been an exercise in self-control. I woke up at 11:30 to a phone call from . After my sleep-deprived brain talked her ear off, almost without censorship, I had breakfast and showered and watched the TiVo‘ed episode of McLeod’s Daughters (fantastic!). But I was thinking way too much and didn’t want to, so I indulged my OCD tendencies and cleaned the stove top and the outside of the fridge (even organized the magnets). I pulled out my iPaq for some mind-numbing games of Mah-Jong and Pyramid, did some laundry, played my guitar, read a little. All the while, my thoughts were still going nonstop, though a bit quieter. I made dinner, watched some TV. Now I’m tired enough to go to bed (short day!), and thought maybe writing some things down would help sleep come easier and be hopefully interrupted.
Spent Friday afternoon at the State Fair with and had a good time. After she left to spend the weekend with family, I cleaned house (to be fair, a lot was done while she was still at my house, but I was feeling restless). The living room is actually livable now.
I slept in Saturday, tried to be lazy as I showered and dressed and got ready for the day, but I was really getting ready for a date with no real plans and no place either of us had to be later. I was nervous, anxious, tense. I was carrying my phone in my pocket, so when he called I answered on the first ring, silently berating myself for doing so.
I’m going to see if I can keep this short. picked me up and we went to play Frisbee in the park. We walked around downtown Minneapolis holding hands (stopped to play another round of foosball – my win, but he was without his glasses, so my 16-14 win doesn’t seem like that great an accomplishment – so I’m now up one game, 2-1), played Scrabble back at my house, grabbed dinner, and watched TV (he picked out Amelie from the roommate’s collection, and then we flipped around cable for a long while). We got cozy on the couch, more so than I’ve been with other guys (though not by much). It was so… comfortable and nice, though that’s probably not how he’d want me to describe it. I love talking with him and spending time with him (he even got the seal of approval). He’d make a really good friend, though I kinda want more (which is technically what dating is, I suppose).
I finally kicked him out at 2:45 a.m. – amazing, since he picked me up at 2, almost 13 hours earlier. He kissed me goodnight, sweetly, and soon after journaling I lost consciousness in bed. He’s all I dreamt about – modifications on how the night could have gone, things that happen in the future, things I probably subconsciously wished had happened but I got in the way of myself.
And then I spent all day Sunday stressing and obsessing and wondering and trying not to do all of it. I wanted to call people and talk, and I didn’t want to at the same time. I’m all confused and don’t know what I think or feel at all, where he’s at, what might happen next. My tummy feels all tingly-weird, like just before going on stage to speak or perform.
He makes me feel good about myself and I’d like to see things work out. That’s a start.
*I have to remind myself that close friends like and read this frequently, and so I probably shouldn’t post every single thought that comes into my head.
Speaking of , where are you? Are you in this state? Ohio still? Your phone keeps cutting out on me!!! (And when you called on Sunday I was with , so I didn’t try too hard to call you back. You understand.)
- Fan:: Hockey
- Scum:: Bag
- Lily:: Pond
- Humid:: Frizz
- Ghetto:: That’s so…
- Remember me?:: Probably not
- Polished:: Refined
- Compose:: Create
- Squish:: Squash
- Future:: -istic
I called up my salon to schedule an appointment with and found out he no longer works there! Ack! One good haircut and that was it. Now what do I do? I didn’t just lose a crush, I lost a good hair stylist! Those are hard to come by! (And he was darn sexy, too!)
I don’t know what to do. She suggested another stylist in the same price range, and I said I’d have to think about it and call back. I mean, the original reason for going there was locale, and I was initially hesitant about a male stylist, so if I had never gone in the first place, I wouldn’t know what I was missing out on, right? So I should schedule an appointment. But my real motivation for getting one wasn’t the need for a cut (though it’s been four months), but the chance to see . (Of course, now I don’t have to be terribly embarrassed about my roots that only I and my would-be stylist can see.) Shoot. I even deep-conditioned this morning. (When you have the hots for your , you want to come in with really healthy hair. He’s got his hands in lots of people’s hair all day long, and really, it just must be as perfect as possible. It would be quite hard to flirt with a head full of split-ends, I think.)
Btw, there’s practically no one at work, so no one to share this with, hence the long, overly-dramatic rant. has been giving me emotional support over email.
I couldn’t decide between these two, but was pretty freaked out when both described me to a T. You take the test and see for yourself.
You are elegant, withdrawn, and brilliant.
Your mind is a weapon, able to solve any puzzle.
You are also great at poking holes in arguments and common beliefs.For you, comfort and calm are very important.
You tend to thrive on your own and shrug off most affection.
You prefer to protect your emotions and stay strong.
You are pure, moral, and adaptable.
You tend to blend into your surroundings.
Shy on the outside, you’re outspoken to your friends.You believe that you live a virtuous life…
And you tend to judge others with a harsh eye.
As a result, people tend to crave your approval.
Also, I just noted how the first picture’s entitled “black” and the second “white.” Strange that I picked opposites?
I’ve been getting comments-spam today. I’ve already deleted 3 comments on an earlier post that were links to, let’s see, credit reports and mortgage loans and who knows what else. Rest assured, I will delete them as quickly as I find them, which basically means during business hours M-F. You might get lucky if you submit one Friday night, and people might look at it for two whole days before I have internet access again, but then you will be deleted. Understand? And know that my readers, particularly all the ones I know personally, are not stupid enough to click on any links like that in comments anyways, and so you might as well just give up now.
We now return you to our regularly scheduled blog.
Today’s Breakfast: a small glass of white grape – cranberry juice, 3 fun-size Snickers
Lunch: 1/2 apple with peanut butter
Desert: 1/2 apple with Nutella
Snack: perhaps a brownie when I get home…?
Should I be concerned?
I got to yell at a telemarketer twice yesterday – once before leaving for work and again last night. The chick in the morning was calling my cell for a Sarah with my same last name, and I had received two other calls from that same number over the weekend, one while checking out at Target (so I ignored / hung up), and one Saturday morning, which resulted in only a piercing beep in my ear and them hanging up. I clearly let her know she had the wrong number.
Then last night, the house phone rang, and since it’s usually for me and I was the only one home, I half-rushed to answer it. But see I was in the middle of a home improvement project and it was quite difficult and annoying to get up to answer the phone. I wouldn’t have minded so much if it had been a friend or family, but it was someone asking me to take a survey for something. What, I’m not sure, because I cut her off to say loudly that we are on the DO NOT CALL list and promptly hung up on her. I did not enjoy getting up from my sawdust-covered floor and setting my project aside (which I didn’t end up finishing anyways) for something that… inconsequential.
So, while enjoying four episodes of Stargate SG-1 (I love Sci-Fi Mondays!) that I barely remembered (and I think at least one or two I hadn’t seen at all), I finally went to work on changing the top drawer of one of my dressers into a flip-down (instead of being just attached to the drawer). I got out my little hobby saw that was bought specifically for this purpose, and worked hard at removing the front of the drawer. Seeing as how it was a bazillion degrees outside, I was doing this in my bedroom (I know, odd place for carpentry), and I hadn’t yet turned on the air conditioning, I had to stop several times to wipe the sweat dripping down my forehead, a fairly rewarding, if not gross, side-effect. Front removed, I went to work installing the magnets that will keep it shut, and then attempted to re-attach the front via hinges. That last part is where things went… wrong. I think all I need is a smallish piece of wood I can inlay inside the drawer, so I can attach the hinge to it instead of the bottom part of the drawer. Does that make sense? At any rate, the drawer is back in the dresser, sans front, and the cable box and VCR/DVD player are resting inside (though not terribly friendly, since the drawer really needs to be about 2 inches wider for them to both actually fit, so the DVD player is just out of commission at the moment). I might be able to get rid of the cable box, if I could figure out how to use the menu feature through my TV or VCR/DVD player. Something perhaps to look into, but the whole cable aspect confuses my electronics know-how.
Tonight will be spent doing laundry. Maybe doing a little spray-painting in the backyard, but that remains to be seen. I’d really like to buy the drawer pulls I picked out at Menards, but I don’ts gots da cash, yo. (Yeah, I don’t really do a good ghetto-speak. Laugh all you want. I’m here to amuse.)