[undated – 4/22/????, probably 2001 or 2002]
I have found myself, to my dismay, living with regrets. I used to be OK with me, with my past and present despite all its blemishes. I realized that all of the horrible things that happened to me, all the experiences I never had, all the things I did but shouldn’t have, everything, made me who I am today. And I liked me. I knew where I was going, and occasionally I knew how to get there. But now, I find myself trapped in my own life. There is no escaping. There are things I wish I’d done, things I wish I hadn’t, and it just seems as if everything is going wrong. I don’t know if I even like me anymore, and that’s scary. It tempts me to follow it to the place that’s hard to leave, and hell while you’re there. I don’t want to go back. But how do I escape my current life? Or at least, how do I come to accept it? I don’t want to have regrets – I want to be open about all my blemishes. I want the knowledge of God’s plan for my life to be a comfort, and its not. I want to feel God’s outstretched arms wrap around me and draw me to Him. I want to feel His warmth, His security, His peace. I don’t. I feel emptiness, aloneness, despair. And I can’t seem to escape. They tie me down and don’t let me go. They hold me back from reaching out to my Father, who is the only Savior I will ever have. They hold me here, in my private hell, trapped with no chance of escaping. The light has become so dim; the hope is quickly fading. The promises I once clung to no longer bring me the joy they once did. What is wrong? How do I escape this torment? I am harboring anger, resentment, frustration, rejection, hurt, pain, deception, depression, and all this evil is oppressing me. I want to give it up, but find myself clinging to it. I just can’t let go! I desire for God to reach out and pry my fingers from my baggage, so He can take it far, far away. But He won’t do that. Its my job to let go. Let go. Let go. Let go. Let go. Let go.