Alright, so I’ve been seriously slack in blogging. Forgive me. Although, to be fair, I haven’t heard any complaints. I’m starting to think your love is… well, nonexistent.

But, here’s the update on life.

Wednesday I talked to a Social Studies teacher and got a job shadow set up for next Friday. Yay. I also talked to . He called Tuesday night. has two more tumors on her spine, and will start chemo on Monday. Her birthday is next Friday. still doesn’t have a job. Less than yay.

I would write more, but is coming to wisk me away (or whisk?) to Tanpopo for dinner. Yay!

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Which Horrible Affliction are you?

A Rum and Monkey disease.

And I quote:

Congratulations, you’re gonorrhea! Yeah, that’s right. You’re a sexually transmitted disease. And it gets worse: you’re curable. But fret not, my fine infectious friend; you have a fine array of symptoms associated with you that would make even rabies flinch….[gross description here] What’s more, you can be passed to babies as they’re being born, and cause them to go blind! That’s how cool you are!

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I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world but
She’s just like a maze
Where all of the walls all continually change
And I’ve done all I can
To stand on the steps with my heart in my hand
Now I’m starting to see
Maybe it’s got nothing to do with me

Fathers be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters, too

Ooh, you see that skin
It’s the same she’s been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she’s left cleaning up the mess he made

Chorus

Boys you can break
You find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong and boys soldier on
But boys would be gone without warmth of a woman’s good, good heart
On behalf of every man, looking out for every girl
You are the god and the weight of her world

Chorus

John Mayer - “Daughters”

See now, perhaps yesterday I was just exceptionally… moody or sensitive, although you could ask and I don’t think she’d say I was. But on my way to Ikea / MOA, the above song came on the radio. Now, I’ve heard this song hundreds of times. adores it. It’s not new. If you’ve listened to pop radio at all in the last six months, you’ve heard it at least a dozen times. For some strange reason, yesterday it made me cry.

And I started to evaluate my love for . I love him terribly, and unconditionally (if you know any part of the story, I think it’s fair to say that’s true). But I love him like a little girl loves her daddy - blindly, unquestioningly, just because. It doesn’t make it any less… emotional, and it’s still a very closely held thing.

Somehow I never transitioned out of that and into the kind of love an adult daughter should have for her father. I think made it there, or at least further than I have. She’s much harder on him than I am.

This all sounded so much better when I was thinking about it last night. Perhaps it was the mudslide.

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1. Material world:: Madonna
2. Satin sheets:: slippery
3. Blizzard: Dairy Queen
4. Real estate:: mogul
5. Dress up:: for what?
6. Wesley:: Daddy
7. Robber:: bank
8. Saliva:: swap
9. Slave:: drive
10. Shift:: gears

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It’s snowing snowing snowing! Not those big fat flakes (those are the best), but millions of tiny little white dots floating around, never seeming to land. Regardless of my feelings about winter (and winter activities), snow makes everything better. A new coat of snow is like a fresh start. Everything is white and peaceful and beautiful. My favorite is the inch or so that stacks up on all the branches of trees, and then going outside when its dark and the moon is out, and all is silent and still.

Huh. Who knew I could be so passionate about snow?

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I finally got my film back from the lab - apparently it contained all fall and Christmas, including a trip to the Orchard, the Fall Senior High Retreat, Christmas, and the Snow Senior High Retreat. Hmmmm…. Digital camera should fix that problem, but…. you never know.

So, here are the pictures for our trip to the orchard (me, , and ):

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Oh, if you could hear the conversation going on in my head right now, you’d either laugh hysterically or run screaming, I’m not sure which. I’m having it with before-mentioned coworker who ticked me off today. In my mind, I’ve come to work tomorrow and he makes some comment about how “crabby” I was yesterday (this has happened before). The way he says it, as usual, either makes me sound like a petulant child or PMS-y. Either way, it’s insulting. Never mind his failure to respect any sort of boundaries that I try to set up (regardless of the fact that, at 51, it would probably be good to learn some social skills). I’m going to let it go soon - even if only because I leave work at work and don’t take it home. I promise I’ll let it go. Perhaps some good music.

Oh, and if is reading this - I WAS RIGHT! The guy from the Red/Green show is the same guy from Welcome to Mooseport. Proof.

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Really, [name of coworker] just about got himself decked. Just started into some random conversation about how I’m ageist and think that being old is bad and etc etc (like the redundant redundancy there?). I told him I wasn’t going to have the same conversation again (because I’m real sure we’ve gone over this several times) but he just wouldn’t let it go. Seriously, grow up, man! I don’t care if I am “ageist” in terms of thinking that being old is undesirable - most 20-somethings don’t want to be 50. I’m not alone in this. I realize that at some point I might want to be 50 (perhaps, when I’m 70, or maybe even at 50), but that doesn’t mean that I have to right now. I am allowed to be 20-something with all that entails, am I not?

GEEZ!

Next comes the beatings. That should improve morale around here.

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1. Yoda:: yoga
2. Mensa:: not for me
3. Pink:: great first album
4. Text message:: boooo
5. Galactic:: starship
6. Chicks:: eggs
7. Quesadilla:: cheesy
8. Backpack:: across Europe (sans…)
9. Socket:: wrench
10. Compromise:: adulthood

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I’ve been doing research on the Jewish holiday of Passover for the lesson we’re doing this week in youth group (when king Josiah re-institutes the Passover celebration). I was looking through my Symbols of Judaism book, which has full-color photographs on every-other page, and it crossed my mind that I would love to marry a Jewish guy, and primarily because it’s such a beautiful faith full of ritual and meaning and history (yes, I realize that it is the same history of the Christian faith, but we don’t celebrate it in the same ways, and their traditions are really remarkably deep). A truly devout Jewish man, with the exception of that whole Jesus thing, is a wonderful thing. But then there’s the whole Jesus thing, and I think it would be hard to be married to someone with whom you didn’t share the most primary tenet of your faith.

This, of course, got me thinking about (combined with the fact that I’ve been typing in old journal entries that detail my “undying” love for him). In that sense, he was very attractive. He was Jewish, both ethnically and religiously, and his family celebrated holidays fairly traditionally, or so I believe, since I was asked to attend a Passover celebration once but wasn’t able to attend due to a conflict. His extended family, while not practicing, was Jewish; his immediate family, however, were also all Christians (or completed Jews, depending on how you want to put it). So they had everything. They had this rich, deep, beautiful religious background that supplemented their faith in Jesus. Man, did that make him even more attractive.

Any ideas on where I can find another guy like him? Perhaps one who is ready to make a move, pursue something, have a real relationship. He doesn’t have to be as physically attractive as , although I wouldn’t turn that away.

………..

There are some horrible video games out there; specifically this one (rated M for Mature at least) that, besides all the shooting and killing, involves a nearly naked woman dancing all for you. Just a guess, but this game isn’t aimed at me. You know, not that I want this of course, but it is plausible that if there were video games that didn’t completely demean women, more women might be interested in them. We wouldn’t have to be enemies. I guess the video game industry doesn’t realize this.

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So there’s this guy at work, whose name, for the life of me, I can’t remember even though I’ve met him several times and he’s worked on my computer (I can remember the name of the… husky blond, but not the name of the tall brunette). Anyways, every once in a while I see him from a distance at work, and he always smiles when he walks past my cube, which is rarely since he works on a different floor in a different department. I remember the first time he worked on my computer (was it software? I don’t remember what it was exactly he was doing - I’ve had a few major computer problems, unless everyone else in the office, who has millions of minuscule computer problems like how to create a new file in Word. But I’m getting away from my story), anyways, I remember checking that he doesn’t wear a wedding ring. I mean, he’s a decently attractive guy, although he seems really clean cut - I often see him wearing a white turtleneck with a solid-colored sweater. So for the last… six months, maybe, I’ve been trying to figure out his name, but it hasn’t come to me yet. But today as I was leaving, he was taking the elevator down and he held it for me. It was just the two of us in there, and I had already put my headphones in back at my desk. But he turned to me and asked me if I changed my hair color. We exchanged maybe 3 or 4 sentences in the brief ride from fifth floor to second, and that was it. But it was something, right?

I’ve been vaguely intrigued by him for quite a while (despite forgetting his name), but figured, even though he seems to pay a little bit of attention to me, that he sees me as being ridiculously too young for him. After all, I look like I’m 18 (or maybe 22, but definitely not 26), and he’s easily early to mid 30s.

Reflecting on this while washing my hair (and trying to get warm after walking home from the bus in 14 below zero weather), I realized something that could be a complication in my [nonexistent] love life. Most of the guys I’ve liked have been younger than me (1 to 4 years), but the guys who’ve seemed to really appreciate me have been older than me, and I mean much older (well, not as old as or anything). The younger guys I’ve liked: , , who were both two years younger, and lastly who was three (or four?) years younger. But there were at least four guys I could count that at least appreciated me, if not liked me, who were five to ten years older. Hmm. But I’ve always been way “grossed out” by the idea. Perhaps I need to “get over” that - I don’t think I could do much more than 7 years… maybe 10 is stretching it for me.

It could help my future options. I’m just sayin’. Maybe I can figure out his name. I’ll have to check the department directory and see if I can find. I’m sure that I’ll remember his name once I see it. Then I can internet-stalk him.

No, I’m not crazy. You know you do it too. And if you don’t, feel free to drop me a line if you’d like me to find anything out for you about someone you know. I’m decently talented.

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[undated - 4/22/????, probably 2001 or 2002]

I have found myself, to my dismay, living with regrets. I used to be OK with me, with my past and present despite all its blemishes. I realized that all of the horrible things that happened to me, all the experiences I never had, all the things I did but shouldn’t have, everything, made me who I am today. And I liked me. I knew where I was going, and occasionally I knew how to get there. But now, I find myself trapped in my own life. There is no escaping. There are things I wish I’d done, things I wish I hadn’t, and it just seems as if everything is going wrong. I don’t know if I even like me anymore, and that’s scary. It tempts me to follow it to the place that’s hard to leave, and hell while you’re there. I don’t want to go back. But how do I escape my current life? Or at least, how do I come to accept it? I don’t want to have regrets - I want to be open about all my blemishes. I want the knowledge of God’s plan for my life to be a comfort, and its not. I want to feel God’s outstretched arms wrap around me and draw me to Him. I want to feel His warmth, His security, His peace. I don’t. I feel emptiness, aloneness, despair. And I can’t seem to escape. They tie me down and don’t let me go. They hold me back from reaching out to my Father, who is the only Savior I will ever have. They hold me here, in my private hell, trapped with no chance of escaping. The light has become so dim; the hope is quickly fading. The promises I once clung to no longer bring me the joy they once did. What is wrong? How do I escape this torment? I am harboring anger, resentment, frustration, rejection, hurt, pain, deception, depression, and all this evil is oppressing me. I want to give it up, but find myself clinging to it. I just can’t let go! I desire for God to reach out and pry my fingers from my baggage, so He can take it far, far away. But He won’t do that. Its my job to let go. Let go. Let go. Let go. Let go. Let go.

Let God.

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1. What would you do if you felt the roads weren’t very safe and the town you live in didn’t cancel school? I’d probably stay home if I really couldn’t make it, but since I could take the bus almost anywhere, I would have reliable transportation that would be fairly safe.
2. What kind of things do you remember doing on snow days? I don’t remember any snow days, although I’m sure we had them. Playing in the snow with was no fun, because it always ended with her crying as soon as a snowball hit her. She was such a crybaby (although, in her defense, she was younger and much smaller than me, so that could have had something to do with it). I know had some games that we would play if we were stuck indoors, whether because someone was sick or whatever.
3. Do you have to or did you have to take the day off when there was a snow day because you had to watch your children? If not then who watches or watched your children? No kids. As a kid, didn’t work until we were old enough to stay home alone, so no one had to take the day off work.
4. As an adult, do you own snow pants or a snow suit so you can play with the kids in the snow? No, I don’t own snow pants or a snow suit, but that doesn’t mean I can’t play in the snow. I am currently without mittens, so that could impede the fun, but I could make my gloves work. I’m not much for being outside in the cold for long periods of time, so I’d probably give out before the kids would.
5. How do you feel about snow? It’s pretty, and if it’s going to be cold, there better be snow on the ground. However, in general, cold things are bad (unless they’re frozen margaritas, or a Coke over ice). Why do I live in Minnesota, do you ask? Yeah, I know, I ask myself that nearly every day for the six months a year where there’s snow on the ground (except this year, where we’re 20 inches below our usual snowfall.)

Today’s Word of the Day

debacle (noun) [di·BAW·kahl, di·BAK·ahl, DEB·ah·kahl]

1. a sudden and violent collapse
2. a total failure; fiasco:
3. flooding caused by a tumultuous breakup of ice in a river during the spring or summer

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I pulled into Nashville, Tennessee
But you wouldn’t even come around to see me
And since your headin’ up
to Carolina
You know I’m gonna be right there behind you’Cause I always have
to steal my kisses from you
Always have to steal my kisses from you

Now I love to feel that warm southern rain
Just to hear it fall is the sweetest sounding thing
And to see it fall
on your simple country dress
It’s like heaven to me I must confess

‘Cause I always have to steal
my kisses from you
Always have to steal my kisses from you

Now I’ve
been hangin around you for days,
But when I lean in you just turn your head away
Oh no, you didn’t mean that
She said I love the way you think, but I hate the way you act

‘Cause I always have to steal my kisses from you
Always have to
steal my kisses from you

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I know I haven’t written much lately. I’ve been… busy. Let me give a brief summary of the past two weeks.

• Spent New Year’s Day at and ’s house. We exchanged gifts. I almost got stranded there - bad storm - but made it home safely.
• Work, work, work.
• Chaos surrounding senior high retreat last weekend - confusion in registration led to nearly having to rent a hotel, trying to find vehicles at last minute, etc.
• Stayed home sick Friday - slept until 12:45. That kinda killed the day, since we left for the retreat at 5:30. Contrary to popular belief, no one was injured on the ride up to camp, although I did, at times, divine (”stop screaming, turn around and put your seatbelt on before I have to pull this car over!”)
• Retreat was… long. While I don’t mind the cold all that much, or the snow, I realized that I really don’t like winter sports. At all. It just means cold feet and cold hands and cold everything else, and injuries while cold are really not fun.
• Lots of shopping.
• Yesterday was nearly a comedy of errors, except that it really wasn’t funny. I locked my keys inside my house, with my cell phone (which has the phone numbers for the roommates) and the papers I needed for a meeting at that night. Called house several times trying to catch someone, but no luck. Huge pile of laundry led to an outfit that was entirely too warm for the day. Since I was still locked out of my house after work, I couldn’t make the pie for the church meeting, so I had to buy one (of which no one actually ate, so its now at my house waiting to make me plump). Only one person showed up for my meeting (and she was allergic to chocolate, so the French Silk pie from Baker’s Square was not an option for her), and although we were very productive, it speaks volumes to the importance of a senior high youth program at our church.
• Left church, drove 10 minutes, realized I had forgotten the pie at the church, turned around and drove back because it was indeed one of those days where pie would be needed at the end.
• Finally got home around 9:30 with a headache (due to not having eaten all day) and being very grateful for roommates being home to answer the doorbell and let me in. ’s main concern was the lack of food in her bowl, while was slightly more loving, but only briefly.
• Today, not surprisingly, is much better, but that wasn’t really hard. I found my keys, remembered my cell phone, and shortly will leave for lunch. I will do laundry tonight and call as I told her I would on Sunday night, to discuss career changes (she works as a junior high band director - why haven’t I talked about this to her before? who knows).

See, you didn’t really want me sharing anything more than the bullets, did you? I thought so.

Now, if anyone can find me a cute bento box (with multiple tiers or at least sections) for under $40, that will make my day. Or… flowers. Or a cute guy showing up at work. But I’m not holding my breath. Just making it through will be a vast improvement.

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