Today can only be described with grunts and moans. I have been in a bad mood all afternoon. I’m tired. It’s way too hot in here. I’m cranky.

Granted, there were lots of reasons to be in a good mood. Everyone liked the sweater I wore today (it’s very cute - got it at the Limited). Everyone loved the pies I brought in that were leftover from last night’s meeting, and bemoaned the fact that there were not enough pieces for everyone who wanted some.

However, I’m just… snarky (to use a word from Lileks).

I’ve been reading a lot of Breakup Babe lately, too, catching up on the archives, since I only recently found that blog. PG-13 (pushing the R), for those of you who care.

No blogging tomorrow. Meeting out of the office. Blah.

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Now, before you berate me, chastise me, chew me out for “failure to have faith for God’s provision”, correct my errant ways, criticize my methods, flay me, flog me, penalize me by not reading another word, pummel me in your head, rail upon the system, ream me out, give me rebuke, reprimand me, scold me, or give me a tongue-lashing…

CALM DOWN. It’s just life. How much can I screw it up? (Don’t answer that.)

So the other day I wandered onto Match.com because, quite frankly, I was bored, and never thought I’d get onto the site anyways because my work blocks a lot of sites like that. I got on, however, and decided to peruse the potentials and pontificate the possibilities (like the alliteration?). Quite frankly, here’s how it goes. I have a majorly hard time meeting people. Actually, I don’t meet people. People meet me. I don’t walk up to people and introduce myself. I barely go to places or involve myself in things where people could walk up to me and do the same. Call it antisocial, call it shy, what have you, but it’s just the way it is. My idea of being social is going to the bookstore and ignoring everyone there. What? I’m in the presence of others - that should count for something.

At any rate, being that it’s so hard for me to meet people, how in the world am I ever supposed to meet a man (men are, after all, people, for the most part, in a broad definition of the word - and yes, that is more bitter than I wanted to sound). Add into that the fact that I really want a man to court me, to take the first steps, to ask me out, and, well, basically it looks like I’ll be single forever. I can always marry my cousins. That’s another story.

Anywhoo…. I created a profile for myself, attempted to be as disgustingly truthful and honest as possible (less disappointment on his part that way), and yet charming at the same time. That’s quite hard, you know. And then I had to figure out what I want in a guy - this was more difficult since it’s been five years (give or take) since I’ve had a real relationship, and at least two since I’ve been friends with a guy. Take the personality test, take the attraction test….

Wednesday I came into work with baited breath. Would anyone have found me desirable? The results were… less than enthusing. Five people had viewed my profile. Two had winked at me, though. This morning, however, the results were much better. I’m up to two hundred views of my profile, and five winks. I got two emails, also.

The sad thing is that, after reading these guys profiles and finding out what they’re looking for in a woman, I can be sure that I’m not what they’re looking for. Do they not read what I wrote? It says clearly in my profile how important faith is to me. It says I work in a church. It says I’m a geek, I have two cats, my parents are divorced, one of my turn-offs is er*tica (yes, that is one of the options, as a turn-off or a turn-on). Why do guys (especially the ones with er*tica as a turn-on) want to talk to me then? I’m not saying that I’m completely unattractive and no one would ever want to date me, I’m just saying that these guys… do they not read, are they gluttons for punishment, what? Really haven’t found any quality matches, and I’m not willing to go onto ChristianSingles because I’m not really looking that hard for my “soulmate.”

In the… 100+ profiles I read through today of potential “matches,” one (1) mentioned faith being an important part of his life. The rest were non-practicing Catholics or otherwise. One guy sounded like a great match until I read he was a smoker (”daily”).

You know, if I had any Christian friends in the Twin Cities, this wouldn’t be so hard. It wouldn’t matter so much that I don’t know people, because I’m usually friends with people who know people. And that’s such a better way to meet people anyways, friend of a friend. Not that I’m looking for a hook-up if you are one of my real-life non-internet friends reading this. I’m just sayin’.

I miss college. At least then there was potential, even if the ratio was 60-40 women to men.

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Unlike most people in this world, I absolutely relished my four day long weekend having no one to interact with but my cats. At one point on Thursday night, called to make sure I wasn’t too lonely. Not possible. left for the East Coast last Sunday and won’t be back until this Tuesday (though I had dreams about her returning early and finding the huge mess in the kitchen I’d left), and left on Wednesday and came back last night. Four glorious, blissful days of doing only what I wanted to do and not having to answer to anyone. Of course, and insisted on being fed each morning at 6:30, but I managed to go back to bed after that.

I made a wonderful meal for myself on Thanksgiving day. Be prepared to be jealous. Cornish Rock Hens in a Rosemary Marinade. Wild Rice Stuffing. Mashed Potatoes with Roasted Garlic. And a lovely bottle of White Zinfandel that I drank all by myself. That’s right. It did take me nearly 8 hours though.

In all my planning for the meal, I completely forgot about desert. I ended up watching TV and eating caramel Hershey’s kisses. All in all, not to shabby.

I also watched 13 going on 30 this weekend, and Saved, and a lot of TV.

I went to the MOA and Ikea on both Wednesday afternoon and Saturday afternoon. I also battled the crowds on Friday morning to get to the Limited and receive my free sweater and $10 corduroy pants. I like free things. Friday I also went to Target three times. Three different Targets. Met after the Limited on Friday morning for some shopping and an excuse for her to get out of the house. Her husband, , is sick with the flu, and has been for a week now, including a trip to the hospital. A little bit whiny and demanding, but who can blame him?

Sunday I went to and felt pretty good all morning, including “working the crowds” to get people to sign up to ring bells for the Salvation Army in December. Another trip to Target, time spent cleaning up the kitchen, moving most of the furniture in my room into a different configuration, vacuuming up “kitty bison” as calls them, and watching more TV.

Later, I will tell you about my weekend Match.com experiences. Don’t chastise me.

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I’m leavin’ work, and I don’t have to be back until Monday! I love long weekends, especially when I’m this tired. Yawn! Since I don’t have a computer at home, no blogging till Monday either. Hope you have a great holiday and spend it with loved ones (even if that just means yourself).

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This morning, at the Western Avenue stop, a boy (ahem! excuse me, man), who I can honestly describe as pretty, got on the bus. Pretty as in Ashton Kutcher on That 70’s Show. Seriously, “prettier” than most of the women I know. Now, don’t be offended if you’re one of my women friends. I still love you and think you’re beautiful. But I don’t think you’re understanding this man’s physical appearance.

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One of my bedroom windows has a bullet hole in it. It also has a crack in one of the corners. And an NRA sticker that I can’t seem to remove.

I sleep right under this window. Should I be worried?

Of course not. The neighborhood has changed so much in the last 15 years. Though, it does speak to the potential ghetto-ness of my landlords. I wonder if they even know. I should look into that.

It makes me laugh, mostly.

But I wasn’t stupid. When came to visit, I kept the blinds down, so she couldn’t see. Didn’t think she’d like that much.

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Today, I am double-booked. This never happens to me. Granted sometimes I have very busy weeks where I’m at 3-4 nights in a row, but double-booked? Never! Unfortunately I had to cancel the first scheduled meeting for a staff meeting at . While the staff meeting is important (and quite frankly mandatory), I had to cancel it for a volunteer interview/meeting with what sounded like a very attractive gentleman. I have no idea, having never seen him, but he sounds nice on the phone. And he’s been very accommodating. And I’ve given him a VERY bad first impression.

I was supposed to meet him last Tuesday night (this was the first reschedule, and I’m not sure why we had to reschedule the week before that, but I’m pretty sure it was him), but my MapQuest directions got me VERY lost. It was so frustrating. I was sure I would run out of gas, I was very lost in downtown Minneapolis, and I called several times for phone numbers and directions help, but to no avail. I could not get a number to contact him. So finally, at 6:51 (our meeting was scheduled for 6:00), he called me on my cell, at which I attempted to apologize profusely, and we rescheduled for tonight.

I’m not giving him a very good impression.

While I usually get lost downtown Minneapolis, I don’t normally have to reschedule meetings three times in order to get it right. I sound flaky. Not good. Let’s hope he’s not cute or single or… whatever.

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Last night I spent a brief period of time missing . I almost never do that.

The power went out shortly after 6 and didn’t come on until just before 8, so I didn’t see 7th Heaven, but I caught up in those last 10 minutes. The whole neighborhood was dark. A really big section. And still, nothing in the paper about what happened or why. Two hours without power!

Anyways. So I was watching Everwood, which I have to admit is a favorite of mine, but I really like a bunch of shows on the WB. Let me clarify. There are many shows on the WB that I enjoy, but there are probably many more that I find disgusting (Elimidate, for example). I do like Everwood, Charmed, What I Like About You, Gilmore Girls, and One Tree Hill. I am an teeny-bopper at heart, I suppose.

Last night’s episode was about sex, but not in the raunchy way other shows use it as plot (see Desperate Housewives, The Mountain, and all soap operas). And while technically I’m disturbed by teen sex and the fact that it’s portrayed in the media at all, yadda yadda yadda, last night’s episode was very well done considering. They didn’t actually show anything other than kissing. And they talked a lot about the consequences and showed very realistically (in my humble guess, since I’ve never been in that situation) and honestly the emotions that people would go through, though I must say that Ephram’s character was much more understanding and patient than I suspect most 18 year old boys would be in the same situation.

Back to my story. So the two main characters, Ephram and Amy, go to Amy’s family’s cabin for their night together. But Amy decides that she’s not ready, and Ephram is more than understanding. He’s what every woman dreams of, I think, in terms of not pressuring her at all. So they just go to bed, to sleep, and Amy is cradled in his arms and she just looks so safe and comfortable and loved. That’s what made me miss . While we never had anything like that, we did have that one night after a friend’s wedding where we were at another friend’s cabin (a whole group of us, not the two of us - what kind of a girl do you think I am?) and we watched movies and I got to snuggle right into his arm. It doesn’t sound like much, especially when I think about stats like by age 15, 1 in 5 girls has had sex. But for me, it was a lot. And it was wonderful. Of course, we were friends for another… three years, and that’s all that happened, and I became disillusioned and finally came to the realization that he was never going to make a move. But I still look back on that weekend at the cabin and smile. We had a tickle fight, too, later. And and I shared a bed up in the loft, and he had the other one, which, again, big deal to be sleeping in the same room as a guy. He slept in later than the rest of us the next morning, which was cute if not slightly annoying that he wouldn’t wake up even after being called to (though I can’t really throw stones since I had that problem for years), and then led us in worship before we left to go to the Dells and home.

I don’t really miss him. It’s rare that I even think of him. Towards the end of our relationship (I would say friendship, but I would still be friendly and a friend to him if he so desired), I wasn’t getting as much out of it as I put in. I don’t blame him for that. He didn’t really lead me on - if anything, I allowed myself to be led on. He would do the slightest thing and I was convinced it was another sign we were going to be married. I was so much more into our relationship than he was, so much more invested, and that was all me. I don’t hold him responsible at all for any pain I may have felt, because I brought it all upon myself. And I knew I was doing it, too, and made that choice.

I don’t really regret any of it, either. The love that I felt for him was so much stronger and based on so much more knowledge of his person than I had ever experienced before. I know it’s wonderful to be loved, but I also know that it’s wonderful to love someone, even if it’s not mutual.

Getting back to the part that made me think about him. It’s really about that situation where you’re being held, and you feel safe and know that everything is OK. It’s a feeling of love, and I know that I’m not the only one who misses that. I’ve read about that several times on Scattered Words, and felt the same way (warning, mature content and potentially offensive and/or alarming).

It’s a problem many singles have. Problem? Not sure if that’s the right word, but we’ll go with it for now. Unless you live with your parents (suicide anyone?), you don’t get to experience touch and affection much, if at all. Camerin talked about it in this article on ChristianityToday.com. That’s probably why a few weeks ago when and and I watched a movie together, we all ended up on the loveseat (it started out snuggling for warmth because ’s apartment was so freaking cold!).

I can’t really think of a way to end this post. So I’m just going to stop.

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Now before I again here protests from the older crowd that, truly, 26 is not old, I beg to differ. It’s all a matter of perspective, anyways. And yes, blah blah blah, age isn’t a number it’s how old you feel, blah blah blah. I’ve been known to be silly and for the most part I feel fairly “young at heart” still. My body doth protest.

Friday night I had to leave ’s early, because I had to get home and I was tired. It was 11:30. That’s ridiculous! What happened to the days of staying up until 2?

And then I woke up at 8:30 on Saturday! Again, that’s not sleeping in!

Also, my tastes have started to change, in terms of food. I have a major sweet tooth. I love the sweets, the sugar, the chocolates, and frankly, often wonder how I’m not 300 pounds. Good genes. Anyways, in the past year, I seem to need less sweet than I used to. Case in point. Starbucks offers the Eggnog Latte during the holiday season, and last year I had them put a shot of vanilla in it every time, which grossed most people out. This year? No need. It tastes fine. Same with the Gingerbread Latte, and the Caramel Hi-Rise at Caribou. What’s going on?

I’m getting old. No grey hair yet, though. My little sister has some. Hehe.

Can I get old if I don’t own a home or a car or a boy? I don’t think the fish counts. He tried to jump out and bite me today. I think he wants some fish lovin’. But it ain’t happening. Get over it.

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Since we’ve moved into our new office space, there’s been a coordinated wall-hanging effort. Apparently someone with very bad taste was given the responsibility of choosing the artwork for the walls. There is a photo of a boat on some lake in Minneapolis that looks like it was shot in 1982. There’s some other ugly stuff that I’ve chosen to forget. The best one, however, is this one:

Do I need to remind you that I work for the government? I’m not sure I can explain the way this poster makes most of us feel, but it has the effect of making me want to roll around the floor laughing. Or perhaps leave early for the day.

I don’t think that’s the desired effect.

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Friday night I got together with and for dinner, games & a movie. Saw ’s new place. We played Scrabble (but didn’t keep score) and I must say I had some kick-butt moves. Much better than last time. Did I mention I bought Scrabble a few weeks ago? It was on sale at Target. I love word games. I wish I could play Scrabble by myself. Hmm. Must work on that.

We also watched Office Space. Again. Wasn’t my favorite of the options I’d brought, but friendship does involve a certain amount of compromise.

Saturday was delicious, though I am a little frustrated that my body decided “sleeping in” meant 8:30. What happened to sleeping in until noon? I am getting old. Lazed around, finally got off my tookus and went shopping. Glorious shopping. Spent way too much money. Visited two Franks stores to partake in the going-out-of-business-because-we’re-filing-bankruptcy store. Found white pants (and a white skirt!) for Christmas. Now, of course, I need white shoes. Winter white shoes. How hard is that going to be?

I also watched Calendar Girls, which was good but not as great as I expected. Of course, it’s based on a true story, so….

Sunday we spent three hours raking leaves, again. Today my arms hurt. Last Sunday I mostly bagged leaves, but we didn’t have to do that this time, so I raked, and raked, and raked. Poor arms. Was bored the rest of the day. I tried to find things to do, but nothing amused me. Ended up laying in bed watching TV with cuddling with me. She’s become quite snuggly lately.

Thanksgiving should be fun. left yesterday morning for New England, and will be gone till the end of the month. leaves Wednesday and will be gone through Sunday. Four days in the house all by myself!!! I’m making Cornish rock hens with wild rice stuffing, and candied acorn squash. All for me. And before you go feeling bad for me, it’s by personal choice. I had several invitations to spend the holiday with families from church, but really felt like having a weekend off and doing exactly what I wanted to do. The joys of being single.

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(also titled, Why I love junior highers)

For the past two years, I have had the opportunity to always receive feedback on my physical appearance, be it clothes, makeup, or hair. This has come mainly from some junior high boys at . It started when they were in 6th grade.

“Wow, your hair is big.”
“What’s wrong with your pants?”

and, my personal favorite,

“You’re wearing too much makeup today.”

Always so blunt. Not teasing or mean, just… honest.

They’re kinda handy to have around, in that respect.

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• Sees me as a coworker, not an employee
• Values me as a person, not just for the job I do
• Is pastoral
• Puts me first (above errands, etc)
• Seeks to meet regularly, not just when they have info they need to pass on
• Doesn’t focus on numbers but on health
• Backs me up with the rest of the church
• Explains how the organization runs in a proactive manner not assuming I understand or know annual events, committee/governing structures, etc.

It’s a list I wrote up probably a year or two ago, to remind myself what I would be looking for in the next thing.

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I had work for a good portion of the day, but now I’ve run out again, and I didn’t prepare for that. Tomorrow I’ll try to bring work with me, but for the time being, all I can think of to do is blog.

But life is boring. Being an adult is boring. All the drama of high-school and college, with friendship problems and ever-changing romances, while often painful, definitely had their highs and lows, and were much more exciting than… life now.

I read on someone’s blog the other day (and I’d give credit where credit was due if I could remember it - I think it was the fish, but I’m not sure) about how fun it is just to be in love, being in love with being in love, not so much with a person. I understand that. It’s fun to have a crush, a romantic interest. I do miss that in my current lifestyle. I don’t even know guys to crush on, however unattainable or impossible it may be. Almost makes me wish that I had kept in contact with some of my formers, until I remember the reasons why I didn’t.

If you’ll indulge me for a while, I’m going to complain. Feel free to leave and come back later.

It’s nearly impossible to meet guys these days. There’s probably some guys I work with, but I never see them, if they exist. All my co-workers that I know are the age of my parents or better. And church has a dearth of single 20-something guys (heck, I’d even be OK with a single young 30-something). I don’t go to bars, so that rules out meeting anyone that way. My hobbies are fairly gender-centric, so I’m not likely to meet a guy even if I joined a club or something. And it’s not just me - and don’t really meet guys either. Well, does, but I meant without a computer dating service.

Do guys experience the same thing? Is there a whole group of 20-something guys roaming around the Twin Cities unable to meet women? If so, where are they?

On a completely unrelated note, Sequel was alive and kicking on Monday morning. I thought he was going to be dead, considering the state I left him in on Friday. He’s doing very good. And he’s incredibly happy today. He nearly jumped out of his bowl when I came in this morning. It’s funny how he responds when I come in. I let him fight with the mirror today, too - he needed the exercise. The only thing I don’t like is that he hasn’t been eating much lately. On the bright side, that means I don’t have to listen to his chewing. I can actually hear him crunching on his food.

Twenty minutes to go. I’ve got a volunteer interview at St Joseph’s today. Then the rest of my evening is free. But I should make youth group phone calls. Attendance has been disgusting.

I was awake from 2:00 am to 4:30 am this morning. So I watched Mansfield Park. I highly recommend it. Different from the book, both good in their own right. I would write a review if I could handle it, but I’ll save that for later.

I gave blood today. Are you as bored with this entry as I am?

Rockin’ out to: “God Only Knows” by the Beach Boys (most recently from Love Actually)

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drove into town Thursday for a conference and to visit her daughters. We had a good time. Thursday night I took her to youth group, but no kids showed up, so that was disappointing. She did meet though.

Friday morning I was a mess. I sent her off to the U of M on the city bus system. I was quite worried all morning. Carried my cell phone with me everywhere, waiting for her call from a pay phone. But it all went off without a hitch, so it had been needless to worry. came over and we went to the Italian Pie Shoppe. Good food, good conversation. Then we watched Barefoot In The Park, and I on my twin bed, in my one chair. She was invited to join us several times, but ended up going home. We were all sleepy. Good movie, though. Newlyweds should watch it.

Saturday went to the Minneapolis Institute of Arts with the people she was at the conference with. It was a gorgeous day, so when I finally got out of bed and showered, I walked to Nina’s Cafe for a vanilla mocha, which always makes the day even better. came home and we went for a long walk. Down to the St Paul Central Library, then a few blocks out of our way to see my old and new office buildings (just the outsides). We took the bus to Grand Ave and went shopping at the Yarnery for her birthday present. She was very good about it all.

Then we drove (in separate cars) out to ’s house, for dinner and Christmas photo taking. I left early enough to get plenty of sleep. Sunday was and then leaf-raking with the kids for a few hours. We’re going next weekend too.

Shopping, shopping, shopping - I actually have money right now! Of course, I’m going to try to buy a car, but still, I couldn’t resist buying something for myself that wasn’t shampoo or spaghetti sauce. Cost Plus was having a fabulous sale, so I bought a huge print of a painting and a frame. It’s hanging over my bed and it looks wonderful. Now I just have to find a chandelier-type candle thing to hang from the ceiling in front of the window. There’s a hook there just begging to be used.

That’s it for today. I’m debating whether or not I’ll go to a meeting at tonight. I’m leaning towards not.

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