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But, that’s what happens when you move your office (all 35 employees of our unit, plus the hundreds of others in our department) and your home in the same week. I am very tired. And I’m not done. Hopefully by tomorrow morning I will be, though. Or perhaps tonight I can stay up late and get it all done, since I can sleep in a little tomorrow morning. I don’t have to be at work until 11:30.
I’ll try to get pictures of the new places up soon, maybe by the end of the week if you’re lucky. Our new cubes are incredibly (and impossibly) small – I’ll try to get a pic of me in the cube so you can really see. My new apartment is wonderful and I really like  and  , who are my new roommates. They, in turn, love my cats.
Nothing much is going on, other than the Attorney General’s office actually responding very quickly to my complaint about my cell phone company. And I’m constantly tired and in pain -moving thousands of boxes (or at least what feels like it, and unpacking them definitely) will do that to you.
Sleep tight!
Rockin’ out to: “Lose Yourself” by Eminem (music uplinks are discontinued until further notice – singingfish has eaten all my bandwidth for the month, and until I know that problem is fixed, you have to do without)
Or, rather, quote a story from the book I’m reading (see below).
Story starts out with the creation, and Adam, being like God, both male and female. Then God splits Adam into the separate genders. That’s where this story begins.
“Lilith”
The Woman had long hair that hung loose, and it waved like the serpentine sea. And as they lay in love together, it smelled to the Man of cinnamon. And to the Woman, the hollow under his arm smelled like apples warming in the sun. And they were as close as any two can be.
Then the Man said, “Get below me!” The Woman smiled, for she thought he was jesting. Bug he said again, “Get below me!”
And the Woman did not smile so much and she said, “We were made equally and together of the same dust from all the four corners of the earth.”
But he said again, “Lie below me!”
And she said, “We were one body and one being, for we were made he and she together in God’s own image, and we cried equally to God out of our loneliness. And that is the only reason God made us two.”
But the man said only, “Below me!”
Then the Woman said – and now she spoke more loudly and faster – “Together we named every animal that prowls the earth, every bird that wings the sky, every fish that cleaves the waters. And the angels so envied the glory and the vastness that was equally ours when we were undivided, that they cried to God, ‘What is this creature that you are so mindful of it?’ And yet you say to me, ‘Get below me!’”
And in anger she cried out the ineffable name of God. And the power
of the name was so great it lifted her into the air, and she hovered above the Man. And he stood up and called, demanding, after her. Then she was gone, and he saw her no more.
Break in story, Woman does some bad stuff, becomes Lilith, has half-demon children…. Not exactly relevant to where I’m going with this.
“The Plotting of the Angels”
So the man, having lost the Woman who had been the other equal half of him, cried again to God of his loneliness.
This time, as he slept God took out a rib from him and fashioned that small part of him into a Woman. And God braided and tamed the Woman’s hair, and covered her with a sheet of light smooth as a finger-nail, and adorned her with four-and-twenty rings and bracelets and necklaces. Then did God waken the Man. And the Man saw her, and kissed her. And they lived together in the Garden of Delight. And this Woman did as the Man wished.
Another break in story, describing the angels’ desire to not honor humanity, thus several begin to plot to do harm.
And while he had waited, God divided the creature into two, first a Man and a Woman with long loose hair who was as proud and passionate and powerful as Sammael [one of the angels] himself and who left the Man, and later out of the Man alone God had made a Woman with braided hair, to do as others wished her to. Then Sammael laughed for he knew the moment had come. For this one had been made only to please the Man, and had no strength of her own.
Now, I’m pretty sure this author is a feminist and a scholar, and while her work is based in ancient stories etc, it is still, as she claims, legend, so I don’t want anyone reading too much into it. In the introduction, Berg says she tried to separate the stories from morality and religion, so one can assume we’re not supposed to see them that way.
Very interesting, however, the way that whole story of the fall of man is laid out here. Man and Lilith, then Man and Woman, and that last part, about her being made only to please the Man and having no strength of her own. I’m very interested to see what, if anything, happens next with these characters. I’m fairly certain the author doesn’t believe all womankind to “have no strength of her own.” I think she was trying to get at something else. However, if it is really to be read only as a story and a legend, and not as any claim on morality, spirituality, or political and sociological ideas.
What do you think?
Surprisingly unproductive, though. Called in sick on Friday, and ended up sleeping until 1:30 in the afternoon. Guess I really was sick. Been burning the candle at both ends lately. Nothing terribly exciting happened this weekend. Picked up keys to my new place yesterday. Feeling kinda low. Was a crybaby all weekend, too. Didn’t take much. Emotional much?
Rockin’ out to: boxes being packed
Wisdom Source: just finished The Book of Seven Truths by Calvin Miller. All the rest of my books are packed, so no reading these days.
Today’s Wisdom Fortune:
Worked at the Bridge this weekend. There’s a support group available to the kids called, “So What If I Am’ and it’s for GLBT kids. One of the staff decided she wanted to start a group called, “So What If I Am A B*tch.” We were all invited. Personally, I’d rather just send anyone who has to deal with me to a support group of club members, so I don’t have to change my life at all.
What do you think?
Do you need to be in the support group for loved ones, or would you like to become a charter member with me?
Kelly’s Update on Life!
With your host, Kelly!
</end announcer voice>
I’m not sure at this point who knows what about my life, so I thought I’d just clarify everything to everyone.
First of all, I will not be laid-off or downsized, or even reassigned or given a new position title. My layoff was rescinded yesterday morning, so the situation was only in limbo over the weekend. For those who don’t know, we’ve been doing layoffs etc at the state, and when you’re union that really just means you can get bumped by someone more senior than you to a lesser position. I love unions. Since I’ve been at the state, we’ve been in a hiring freeze (2 years!), so there are very few people in my position with less seniority than me, especially now that the two departments are fully merged. Yay. Hopefully this won’t come up again soon.
Secondly, I have found a place to live and will be moving in two weeks. My new place is just six blocks from where I am now – it is an apartment/roommate situation with two really great girls, and , who I didn’t know before but am excited to get to know. We seemed to have a lot in common when we met. The cats will be able to move with me, which is also good. It’s the first floor of a house, just a few blocks closer to downtown St Paul, which means the neighborhood is slightly nicer than my current one. I really wanted to stay in my neighborhood, so I’m glad about that. High ceilings, big kitchen, jacuzzi bathtub, lots of things to be excited for.
Also, an update on the Associate Pastor search that is going on at  . For reference, when this person is hired, my position will cease to exist, which is why I am considered “interim.” Back in August, the committee looked very closely at two candidates. One was out of the running fairly quickly (I don’t know if they withdrew their application or we lost interest), and the other one looked promising. Last week the committee had a long meeting with this person. Unfortunately, this person withdrew their application. So, the committee is starting all over again. I won’t be leaving there any time soon, it appears. Prayers would be appreciated for this situation. While it isn’t a bad one for me, I have been there two years now, and am kind of wanting to move on. The job description is huge, and the salary probably slightly lacking, so it will continue to be hard to find the right person.
Well, that’s the big stuff that’s going on here. Anyone that’ll be in the Twin Cities area the weekend of the 25th is more than welcome to come help me move!  Sounds like fun, huh?
I hope that you are doing great and enjoying the fall weather wherever you are. God bless!
Just to recap, here’s the current situation I’m dealing with:
- Need to move at end of month, still have not found place to move to
- Even if I do find a place to move, let’s remember how stressful in and of itself moving is
- Oh, the place needs to take 2 lovable although sometimes obnoxious cats
- At work, we’re also moving. It’s part of the merge completed last July, so now we’re moving thousands of employees diagonally across the street-corner. This means… moving everything, including what appears to be daily billions and billions of files. The move has not been terribly well organized, and every day changes are made. Hmm… stressful? Yes.
- Also, this move means that I’m actually busy at work, every day, all day. This means all the work for church I usually do while here doesn’t get done. It needs to get done later. But when?
- The school year started, which means that all the programs at church are going full-speed. September kinda snuck up on me. Hate how it does that.
- I have no car. A wonderful woman from church is letting me borrow her son’s (while he’s away at Purdue), but it makes seriously scary noises. I’d like to get a new one soon, even if it makes the same noises, just so that it’s mine.
- Oh, at church, how long I’ll be staying there is still up for grabs. In June, it was September, but now it looks like November. This… is stressful. Just wish I knew when it was all going to change. I also started to plan my life this fall around the presumption that I would not be working at church. So, I’ve got additional commitments that I really don’t have time for (like working at the Bridge).
So, life is stressful right now, to say the least. It’s amazing some days that my head just doesn’t pop right off.
But here’s the kicker. My two bosses sat me down today to tell me that there’s the possibility that I could be laid off. That’s right. Even though I’ve been here almost two years, I am nearly on the bottom of the seniority roster, because there’s been a hiring freeze the entire time I’ve been here, first a soft one and now a hard one. There’s also layoffs, and since I’m union, it means that I’m not really without a job, but might have to change jobs, work for a different department or in a different building and definitely in a different position. Now, that’s only if someone else decides to bump someone else who bumps someone else who bumps someone else who bumps me (or something like that). Won’t know until next week sometime. Bosses are also trying to not let this happen, including talking to The Man In Charge Himself. Not sure exactly what that involves, but because union stuff is involved, it probably involves a title change at least.
My bosses are not happy, because they want to keep me. This is good for my job security in staying here. And really, I didn’t freak out too much, because I actually won’t be jobless (unless I choose to, and why would I do that?) since there are options. Much different than when I was fired, effective that date (Tax Day, mind you), and no further options. Really loving the union right now.
Can I take much more? Really, I think that earlier my head completely exploded and this is all a dream of some brain matter floating around in space somewhere.
Prayers for sanity are greatly appreciated.
It’s a gorgeous fall day outside, with the cool breeze and the sun still shining but not overpoweringly so and fall outfits are so fun. Really. It’s now that time to wear sweaters and pants and multiple layers, but because you can, not because you have to. All summer when I wore sweaters with another layer underneath, it was because my office was freezing. Or it was because it was after having been 80 for a day or two. But now… it’s just wonderful. I’ve mentioned before. Today it makes me happy. I wish I had time to go apple-picking, on a long drive out into the country, or something else perfectly fall. However, I need to pack up all my earthly possessions, also pack up my office at work (not my cube, my office, as in the whole freaking department), finish polishing the lessons for fall Sunday School, write most of the lessons for fall youth group, and get some sleep in there somewhere. Isn’t fall great?
I’m happy to say that this is not my battle-cry:
I’m hopeless and awkward and desperate for love! [link removed] (from Friends, said by Chandler)
And amazingly enough, I’ve been this way for quite a while. I do remember the many times when all I wanted was a boyfriend and that would make life perfect.
Ha. If a boy could make life perfect, he would have to be pretty darn special in order to fix all I’ve got going on.
Plus, I realized over the weekend that I really don’t know who I am right now, and I definitely don’t know where I’m going. That’s not a good place to be in to form new significant relationships. It’s like not really knowing the person, because they’re going to change anyways. I can only imagine meeting some guy’s parents and them asking, “and what do you do, dear?” and saying that I have this one job and this other part-time one but it’s ending soon and I really don’t know what I want to do with my life but I’m considering a lot of things and I’ll let you know when I figure it all out.
Gasping for air.
Quite content, thank you. With the singleness, that is.
Of course, not like I’m getting any offers to end it or resistance to the plan. And yes, I do bathe regularly.
I live in Minnesota, also known as the Frozen Artic Tundra. That means that ten months of the year (OK, OK, seven) we are covered in feet of snow and the mercury barely rises above 20. Slight exaggeration, yes, but you get my point. All those stories and jokes you hear about Minnesota? They’re all true.
So anyway, this year we’ve had about four weeks of summer (80 degrees, sunny, and a tad bit humid), separated into two by six weeks of weather that can only be described as rainy and 60s. So you can imagine the general attitude during those brief moments of summer – everyone’s happy, air conditioners are running full blast, and no one seems to be able to make their way to work because their cars will only drive to the cabin. The state shuts down. Kind of like anyplace down south when it snows an inch.
So anyways. Most of the time Minnesota doesn’t really have any smell. I mean, it’s frozen, and people here are not exactly known for their abundant use of spices and flavor in their cooking. And generally, people shower. However, as the temperature rises, certain aromas become more prevalent. Those of you know work in urban areas know exactly what I’m talking about. Don’t you just love how the summer in downtown [name of city] smells like urine?
Ahhhh, take a deep breath, and remember that soon we’ll all be buried under 6 feet of snow again.
Rockin’ out to: Simon & Garfunkel, Best Of
So, I sent these files to a coworker at who I’ve had issues with in the past. She emailed me back and requested some “small” changes. Yes, technically they were small changes but they were annoying to do and, quite frankly, I didn’t think I should. I didn’t want to. It was a simple cut-and-paste job, but very nitpicky and specific. This is what I hear in my head: [link removed].
But I’m sitting here at my desk making these changes, and I’m arguing with myself. This is stupid, why am I doing this? Because she asked me? In fact, yes, but here’s the clincher: I didn’t want to lose my job. She’s not my boss. In fact, my time there is coming to a close (hopefully) this fall. But still, the thought was there: if I don’t make her happy, I’ll get fired.
Why did I think this? When I was at my last church, the one that fired me, I had been having weekly meetings with my supervisor (not the one who fired me, the one who said he “could have gone either way” with the decision) and they hadn’t been going well. There were things that he wanted me to do that I didn’t do, and things I wanted to do that weren’t “approved.” I was all ready to come in that morning, have a staff meeting, and then have my meeting with him and try to work it out. Instead, I got fired.
So, now I have this need to please people. It’s a very specific fear. It only relates to church supervisors.
As I realized this, I wanted to cry. (I didn’t, because I’m at work, and as I’ve mentioned before, I don’t cry at work.) It’s been… two and a half years. Both supervisors have moved out of the state. I am no longer paranoid any time I see a man that looks like that pastor or has a voice that sounds like his – these things used to freeze me up. Not full-blown panic attacks, but I would be paralyzed. This doesn’t happen to me anymore. I think I could drive through that city if I wanted to. When I saw the secretary at a concert this spring, I really enjoyed it and didn’t have any setbacks – in fact, that meeting helped me really get over the whole thing because she told me they were without any pastors, etc. I think I could even hold on a fairly pleasant (albeit superficial) conversation with the woman who took my place.
But I’m still messed up. How long does it take to get over something like that?
On a related (and yet not) note, I’ve been thinking of getting out of church-based youth ministry. I still feel called to work with youth, and it’s really one of the few things that bring me pleasure. But lately I’ve been realizing all the things about myself that make it so hard, especially the church-specific stuff. For instance, I’m really task-oriented, and youth ministry really isn’t like that. I try to be people-oriented, but I’m not. I don’t like making first contacts, or calling people on the phone, working the crowd, or even crowds in general. I thrive in environments where my job is clearly defined and I can tell at any moment whether I am doing it or not, and if I’m doing it well. I need a little free range to be creative, but basically I want to be told what to do (within some limits, of course). Ministry just isn’t like that.
Why do I do it? I love teenagers, I really do. I love talking with them, helping them solve problems, hearing their stories, and just being around them. And I love studying the Bible and being able to share and teach what I’ve learned. That really gets me going (which is why I get so frustrated at youth group when the kids just aren’t paying attention). I love the safe environment of a church – by that, I mean that I can pretty much tell where people are coming from and what they’re going to say, and that they’re going to act in accordance with a specific code.
I’m trying to figure out if that’s OK with me, to not do ministry, or at least to not do church ministry. What am I supposed to do with my life then? This job at the state, while I’m good at it, being an administrative assistant, making copies, organizing files, updating the web site, is not what I want to do with the rest of my life. And I think… can I say this without offending anyone?… I’m better than that. A college degree is not needed for this job. Neither is intelligence, really, beyond the simple. And I work at the administrative office, which means I don’t even see clients walk through our doors, and while I know that my work enables others to serve clients, it’s so far away. And I’m not terribly passionate about people with disabilities.
It comes back to the question, what am I supposed to do with my life? For such a long time I had it figured out. And now I don’t know at all. I could really just get married and have kids and stay home and raise them and be happy with that (I think). However, that doesn’t seem like it’s going to happen in the next few years (although I’m open – now accepting applications for position of: husband).
Is this really what being 20-something is about? If it is, it sucks.
There are lots of things I won’t miss when I move. I’ve been pretty negative about the whole living situation lately. But last night, I got to watch fireworks from my bedroom window. It’s State Fair time, and last year at this time I was moving into this apartment from our old place, right across the street from the fairgrounds. Our house shook from the explosions, and my room faced away from the grounds, but we could watch them from the living room or porch. Well, we moved 4 1/2 miles away, and I can still watch the fireworks. Plus, out the living room window, we can watch the fireworks at Harriet Island. I will definitely miss both of those. Fireworks make me smile.
Wisdom Source: His Brother’s Keeper, by Charles Sheldon (author of In His Steps, or the WWJD book)
It’s very foggy this morning. I walked to the bus stop and it was so misty out, it looked like there could have been a fire. I could barely see the top of the Cathedral, and since it’s white, couldn’t find the capitol building at all. It’s supposed to be very sunny and warm today, so the fog should burn off quickly once the sun starts working.
Reminds me of San Francisco. Every day started and ended with fog. Usually the fog would burn off for part of the day, but lots of days we weren’t able to go up to Twin Peaks or Coit Tower because there was no view.
Ah, remembering all the good times of San Francisco. It’s amazing how after five years you can choose to completely forget the bad stuff and just smile over the good. I like that. Selective memory.
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thankful
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