Really. I have hit the wall. 20 minutes left. My eyes cry out. I am so glad I don’t have a computer at home. Not like I’d want to look at it, but this way I can’t.

It got so boring there towards the end my mind was re-enacting scenes from Billy Madison and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I don’t know where I came up with those, but there it was.

Think I can get to make dinner for me? Not likely.

I thought I’d reward myself with checking the stats of this site. What do people put into search engines to get here?

July Results:

• fred is red
• wonderment
• kiss me with your your love is sweeter than wine lyrics
• hello my name is high maintenance pants
• 2004 fax and email address of overdraft plane in america
• ballerina prom dress
• blog solomon’s porch
• brian drab
• brian drab married
• calvin miller a requiem for love
• doug brock-jones
• feel padded bra making out
• fred is red clothing
• fred is red company
• fred is red high maintenance
• fred is red pajamas
• ginny owens if you want me to live torrent
• hear maroon 5-she will be loved
• hello my name is high maintenance fred is red
• hogarden

popularity: 18%

I have a really large bruise, and I don’t know how I got it. When I got home from canoing, there it was. It’s about the size of my fist, and dark purple and you can see veins and everything. I’d post a picture, but the only way to do that would be to let take a picture of my butt with her camera-phone, and that’s just not going to happen. That’s right, it’s on my butt. Now, I usually take note whenever my butt is touched, so you’d think I’d know how I got a huge bruise. But, no. I have no idea. Maybe I was briefly abducted by aliens…. Do I have any repressed memories about that? Can you have repressed memories from 3 days ago?

I got a new beta for work. His name is Sequel (because he’s the second, duh). He’s mostly blue, unlike Monster, who was mostly red. He’s also kinda tiny. He’s living in a bowl with purple rocks and a hydroponically-growing vine of some sort that a co-worker cut for me. I don’t know if they’re allowed to live together, but I guess we’ll see. And yes, I know that betas are carnivores and need to be fed something other than plant roots. I’ve got it covered. But how do I feed the plant?

Really, this day is getting to be too much. “Only an hour left” is not consolation at the moment. That’s more than enough time to go play in the code…. (make it stop!)

popularity: 11%

Mine would be right now. I have one of the most boring tasks ever to complete at work.

We recently had a major overhaul of our website, which now requires me to look at the code for every single page and edit it. Really. I’ve almost put myself to sleep. And I’m hating whoever wrote these pages in the first place.

Also, I am sunburnt. Today is the first day that I haven’t had to take aspirin for the pain. I went canoing with the Sierra Club’s Inner City Outings on Saturday. It was a lot of fun, however, when I left the house in the morning it was cold and overcast. It turned into a beautiful day, complete with sunshine and clear skies and warm. No sunscreen for me, though. I am so glad that I was wearing a t-shirt (not a tank top) and pants (not shorts), so the area burnt has been kept to a minimum. Just my arms. I think the right one is going to blister and peel, and it’s going to be gross.

Sunday I felt awful - I had forgotten how sick I can get when I am exposed to too much sun. Nauseated, tired, dehydrated, general all-over ickiness. Plus, for the first 2/3rd of the day, I was cold, like, really cold. Only towards the evening did I get over that and finally warm up. (Of course, then I was too warm.) So, I called in sick for my shift at the Bridge. I probably could have gone, but I just felt like poop and didn’t think I could give it 100%, and they deserved that.

Really, there’s not much more to say. I’m just stalling. I don’t want to go back to editing code. You can’t make me. I’d like to say there isn’t enough money in the world, but I know what my checkbook looks like.

popularity: 10%

Baby Emma was born on Thursday afternoon, a little early but not much. A beautiful 8 pound baby with big cheeks and a full head of hair. has already visited her several times and is very happy. Everyone agrees Emma is cute, but family thinks was even more beautiful as a baby.

Rockin’ out to: Caedmon’s Call
Wisdom Source: Sense and Sensibility, by Jane Austen
Today’s Wisdom: Ecclesiastes 11:5, “God’s ways are as hard to discern as the pathways of the wind, and as mysterious as a tiny baby being formed in a mother’s womb.”

popularity: 11%

I wrote all this down sometime in the middle of college, so 1998 or 1999 probably.

The man I marry must:

- be a strong Christian and a man of God,
- be a spiritual leader and able to be the spiritual leader of the household, and
- be mature.

He also must:

- have a passion for ministry and missions,
- know what he wants out of life (having sensed God’s leading), but be flexible enough with his future that it meshes with mine,
- have his priorities in order, and
- be romantic.

Desirable character traits include:

- integrity,
- honesty,
- trustworthiness,
- passion, and
- discipline.

Bonus points are awarded for:

- motorcycles, and
- musical talent.

popularity: 15%

9/2/97
- here i was, thinking that i wasn’t going to freak out at all about this last weekend.
And i haven’t yet, but i’ve gone over it in my head and if i don’t verbalize soon i’ll really go crazy. So, you get to put up with me venting (as you always do so graciously). So realize that i’m actually fine - i just need to express myself (everything is clearer then somehow, you know?).
yikes! (as a sidenote) i’m in adolescent development (psychology) at 8am and i’m totally hyper - going stir crazy. there’s theater seats in here so it’s comfortable, but i don’t think i can sit for any longer. aaahh!
and as another sidenote… i go to my first staff meeting today at 1:15 - very excited. actually go into the office tomorrow - have to rewrite all the sunday school curriculum tomorrow so i can photocopy on friday so i can sleep in on saturday. um… 124 lessons in one afternoon? doing a lot better about the internship - talked to Saturday night about it and he was cool - very helpful and understanding (btw, its 9/4 now).

well, all’s old news now. kinda. very tired - just woke up from a very nice nap. now i’m in my night class. blah. i wish i was elsewhere, but i’m not.

very far behind in the sunday school lesson thing. wrote, like, four. oh well. funny how right no i’m loving my classes and could careless about my internship. i’m sure that’ll change. it doesn’t help ray being gone. just feeling… overwhelmed and completely incompetent.

9/9

blahblahblah. feeling like i could be doing something more important with my time - sad thing is i’m in foundations of youth ministry. wish the prof would shut up and teach us something practical. just blabbing on about stuff that doesn’t apply to my background. seems our church is the exception - we’re actually doing things right. prof needs to climb down off his soap box now. l8r

9/12
four hours until my world falls apart. funny, isn’t it….. talked to jz for awhile about it. and r. i just don’t know. i don’t know if i can survive the next four hours, knowing that… (or at least thinking that i know) my world is going to fall apart. and… just when i thought things were looking up. was supposed to call me here, but she hasn’t. i am going to try to take her back to judson with me tonight. think that’ll be better than leaving her at home. i don’t even want to go home.

it’s taking every ounce of my strength to just… stay alive. you know the feeling. i don’t mean to bum you out. really. it’s just… i need to get this all out. and i know you’ll listen, and that you actually care.

i think in a little bit i’ll call . i’m not sure, but… i might. he’s been through this. (or what i think this is.) anyways, i probably should do some actual work, so… i’ll let you go. i’m sure i’ll write you more tonight.

popularity: 17%

It was a busy weekend. But first, let me start with an article I read in the paper today.
Poor Martha Stewart [link removed]
The author makes some good points. The stats about child welfare are incredible and saddening. He references a report by the Children’s Defense Fund of Minnesota, which is available here [link removed].

Need something to listen to while I ramble on? How about… an oldie [file removed]?

Now that you’re jiving, maybe you’ll be more willing to listen to me….

So Friday and Saturday were fairly uneventful for me. I did clean house and rearrange furniture on Saturday, and managed to pick up a package at the Post Office (containing a beautiful, albeit hard to wear out of the house with just a t-shirt and jeans, bracelet/ring thing). Sunday was the big day though. I met the kids at 8:00 in WBL to get ready for the worship service we were leading. All in all, it went well, but it took so much of my energy, I was spent by 11:00 am. Then it was off to Mervyn’s to buy cheap furniture. They’re closing, you know, and that meant I could work on refinishing the youth room… cheaply. I ended up with 6 round cafe tables and 2 rectangular ones. All are unfinished plywood/pressboard, and should present a great opportunity for individual creativity. Mosaics? Paintings? Poetry? Who knows….

I got a quick nap when I returned home after eating some pasta, and then it was off to my first-ever shift at The Bridge. I had a really good time. For confidentiality reasons, I can’t really tell stories, but let me just say that the kids in my youth group now seem calm and might not get in trouble that much this fall.

Work is boring today.

Oh! In other news that I forgot to tell you, I’ve come out of my boy-induced psychotic episode (see last Friday). I am, again, calm and focused, not stressed out about being 26 and not having a boyfriend in at least the last 4 years and having no prospects and when are you going to get married and have kids and buy a house in the suburbs? Really, I’m OK. I don’t really feel my biological clock ticking (I’m not really sure I even have one, and if I do, it’s on life-support). Sorry if that last link doesn’t work (my internet is acting really funny so I can’t check it right now).

Latah!

Rockin’ out to: Sweet Silence
Wisdom Source: 1984
Today’s Wisdom: Don’t rely on the internet. When you most need it, it won’t be there. It’s probably seeing other people, too.

popularity: 15%

Remember the wedding I went to a few weeks ago (you’re asking yourself, which wedding, there have been so many!)? Let me refresh your memory. OK, looking back through my archives, I realize that I haven’t really spoken of ’s wedding (my only reference is that it indeed will happen, and then some comments about the bridesmaid’s dress). It was two weekends ago, on July 3rd, which was part of my long absence from blogging. It was great fun, yadda-yadda-yadda. That’s not the point of the story, really.

Since I was a bridesmaid, there was, naturally, a corresponding groomsman. To protect his identity (and my pride) we’ll call him (clever, I know). Let me just say that was nice, engaged me in conversation when we went out after the rehearsal dinner, paid more than polite amounts of attention to me, and even walked me to my car. Towards the end of the reception when he was leaving, he came over to say goodbye to me specifically (not the others around me). I was quite enchanted. He’s cute and was nice to me, and that’s really about all I know of him (except that he can drink more than his fair share of beer and still drive safely).

I felt the need to tell the Bride my thoughts on was the Groom’s brother (and yes, this would mean that for the past two weeks I’ve been fantasizing about and myself being sisters-in-laws which would be so cool since we’ve been friends forever). I wanted to tell her, being that she’s gone through a lot of crushes with me, and especially because I had begun to doubt that knew I was interested too. I often fail to communicate my interest (since it happens so rarely that I’m in these situations), and have even failed to realize that guys were hitting on me until later. Yeah, I know.

So I told the Bride, and the following reply made me smile great smiles. Also, it put me in a dilemma of sorts.

Hmmm… ….Now for the fun part, the funny thing about your email was that ’s comment about you was “too bad she lives in Minnesota!” You really made an impression on him! I am glad you had a good time with him. I am sure that if you lived around here he would waste no time pursuing you Now, that part is good for you, and I hope you enjoy the compliment, is a connoisseur when it comes to women - that is he is picky. Unfortunately, the distance issue is probably a good thing, because in my opinion, although he is a handsome, charming man, he is not good enough for you. He is a construction worker (he works hard, this is a good thing) but he is rather prone to drinking and gambling with his construction worker friends, and he has had live-in girlfriends, so although you interest him tremendously, he would have to change his ways… not that he wouldn’t….but let’s just say that your lifestyles don’t exactly go together. As for the not dancing, as the bride, I forced him to dance with me, but he has no sense of the beat, so I think he feels rather uncomfortable on the dance floor, don’t be insulted! Anyway, I was flattered for you that he liked you so much (you looked GREAT on Friday and Sat!) but I wish we could have hooked you up with someone more your type…. I will let you know if he mentions you in the future!

It is always nice to like someone and find out they like you back. This rarely happens to me. and I spoke about it last night, and figured out that the only time this has ever happened to me is a few rare times of crushing on someone right before we dated, and there are only… three examples that I can think of where that happened. So, I was ecstatic, looked like I had a coat-hanger stuck in my mouth for a while, and couldn’t really concentrate on anything else.

However, reality soon comes about. I have, since sophomore year of college, been committed to 1) not dating (I prefer courtship, which may seem merely like an issue of semantics, but it’s not), 2) marrying someone who is as spiritual if not more than myself (and that’s in reference to the Christian faith, and probably a fairly specific variety if you want to get into it). So, truthfully, breaks those rules, those values, those ideals I held. Now, first I was saying, can’t I break them just this once? But then I answered myself, no, you can’t, because if you break your values for the one time that it presents itself, they’re not really values. (Does that make sense? It’s hard to put into words.)

So… God and I had a long talk last night (I’ve been having trouble sleeping lately, mostly because I am switching from Prozac to Wellbutrin). There was another major issue we dealt with, and that’s the church job I’ve been interviewing for, which appears at the moment to be a closed door since I haven’t heard back from them and I was supposed to by Wednesday.

It’s this ridiculous conversation I have with God. Me: Here’s what I think, feel, want. But I really want what You have planned. [pause] But again, let me tell you what I want. Really, no, I want Your will. [pause] But I really want it, so, if You could work it out…. No, that’s not right, really, Your plans are better.

Do I sound crazy yet? It’s this awful dilemma. I really want to be virtuous and a woman of integrity and high moral standards and all that other stuff. I have been extremely critical in the past of those who have professed to have the above and then acted completely differently when presented with another option.

On the other hand, I want to believe the best in people, too, even though that’s completely against God’s position on the state of humanity (see Calvin: Total Depravity). I (for the most part, except when I’m in a foul mood), like to see the potential, the good (OK, mostly, or only, with guys that I crush on. It’s a bad habit, I know). So I think “he can change” and that secretly he doesn’t want to be the way he is and that will end up like my Uncle D, who wasn’t anything special when he married my aunt, but is an amazing man of God and leader in his church and everything I’d want in a husband (except the navy career and the working in a nuclear power plant).

And on that third hand, I really want a relationship, a boyfriend, a husband, a family, or just someone to talk to on the phone romantically (do not read “phone sex” into that). And I really am interested in . I need to email back and get her to talk me out of this situation. My heart and my will wrestling is not fun, nor pretty.

Rockin’ out to: Kendall Payne, “Perfect by Thursday”
Wisdom Source: 1984 by George Orwell
Today’s Wisdom: Jeremiah 17:9, “The human heart is most deceitful and desperately wicked. Who really knows how bad it is?”

popularity: 13%

You are way too happy. And for that I just don’t like you. Sorry. What Happy Bunny Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

popularity: 11%

I read this interesting article today on ChristianityToday.com. It’s a columnist that I like to read frequently (wish she published more than once every other week), and frequently I find that she’s written things that I would have said or thought.

(The highlights are the parts I found most interesting or agreed most with)

Independence Daze [article removed]

Camerin is right in many ways in this article, especially when she notes that getting married later in life results in women being more independent. I’ve been “on my own” for the last 4 years (and one month and 14 days, thank you), and I’ve become quite used to doing things for myself. When I lived in Michigan, there was no one else to do certain things for me, since I had very few friends, and most of them were older or people I wouldn’t call for whatever it was I needed. (There was one time when I was asked out on a date by the tenant above me, and I called MR to let him know in case I wasn’t in church the next day and ended up dead somewhere; and there was WM, who replaced the computer in my car so that it would run again.)

But, suffice it to say, no one held the door open for me so I could get all the groceries in. I did my own shopping (and carrying), put together furniture (granted, the cheap Wal-Mart or Target kind, but still), fixed my own computer, kept 2 cats alive and clean, and called the maintenance guy for the building when the pipe in my ceiling broke.

And Minnesota was no different, for even though for all of my stay here I’ve had roommates (or housemates), with the exception of , most of them have been fairly removed from my life. When I moved into Asbury house, borrowed a truck and helped me with one load, but then I moved the rest of my stuff until 4 am, all by myself. And in my current apartment, I’ve installed shelving (got to buy a electric screwdriver for that), replaced the light switches with white toggles instead of yellowed ones, and even added a dimmer switch. has replaced two shower heads, all by herself.

It’s not like we don’t WANT guys around, because, let’s face it, both and I would enjoy their company every once in a while. (And probably would appreciate not having to call her brother to help her install her air conditioner next time.) But, we don’t NEED them to do silly little things. If they were around, they would have done all of those things, and I wouldn’t be any less happy than I am right now (although my feeling of satisfaction when I use the dimmer switch would be significantly different). However, in their absence, somebody has to do all that stuff. And that somebody is me.

And the author is right when she says that often, when refusing an offer of help, it’s more out of habit than anything. You do get used to doing it yourself. I have. Two arms full of groceries up to the third floor, two cats in the doorway struggling to get out… I can handle it on my own (though a cat may escape from time to time).

So if men need to be needed… what am I supposed to do about that? I don’t know very many at any rate, especially single ones that would like to be needed by an attractive available mid-twenties girl. at least knows a few. And she asks them for help from time to time.

If men need to be needed, what do women need? Shouldn’t I be able to answer that, being a woman myself?

I do know that the whole being independent thing is a great feeling. I like knowing that I can take care of myself. has said the same thing. She went from her parents’ house to the dorms to married life, and now having been single for the past seven years, she’s done a lot of things she didn’t know she could do. Like buy a house, fix plumbing, buy a car, etc. She is much more secure in who she is now than she ever was before.

I think it would be a better situation if men needed to be wanted. I want a guy to open the door for me, carry heavy things, fix minor household problems. Do I need one, no, but I’d sure like it. Does that work for the guys out there? Is it enough that you’re wanted? Cause in this day and age, I really don’t think you’ll be too happy with a woman who actually needs you, to balance the checkbook, drive the car, mow the lawn, etc. Don’t we equally share tasks these days? I don’t need to do the dishes, I can share, if you’ll let me mow the lawn every once in a while (which, by the way, is a bad example, because I hate mowing the lawn).

I would like to hear what you all think about this…. Really. Camerin would too.

Rockin’ out to: Caedmon’s Call

Wisdom Source: The last chapter of The Red Tent by Anita Diamant

Today’s Wisdom: Proverbs 31:10-31

“Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is worth more than precious rubies. Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life. She will not hinder him but help him all her life.

She finds wool and flax and busily spins it. She is like a merchant’s ship; she brings her food from afar. She gets up before dawn to prepare breakfast for her household and plan the day’s work for her servant girls. She goes out to inspect a field and buys it; with her earnings she plants a vineyard.

She is energetic and strong, a hard worker. She watches for bargains; her lights burn late into the night. Her hands are busy spinning thread, her fingers twisting fiber.

She extends a helping hand to the poor and opens her arms to the needy.

She has no fear of winter for her household because all of them have warm clothes. She quilts her own bedspreads. She dresses like royalty in gowns of finest cloth.

Her husband is well known, for he sits in the council meeting with the other civic leaders.

She makes belted linen garments and sashes to sell to the merchants.

She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs with no fear of the future. When she speaks, her words are wise, and kindness is the rule when she gives instructions. She carefully watches all that goes on in her household and does not have to bear the consequences of laziness.

Her children stand and bless her. Her husband praises her: ‘There are many virtuous and capable women in the world, but you surpass them all!’

Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the LORD will be greatly praised. Reward her for all she has done. Let her deeds publicly declare her praise.”

popularity: 14%

There have been some good articles out there lately, and I thought I’d share them with you.

(notes on the following articles: all of these are copyrighted by their original sources; they are also all PDF files; all of the highlights were provided by me as insight to what I found moving; most if not all of the links were provided by me as well, as reference points; the original documents can be found on the web as of this date, but some will not be able to be found later, so if you want to see the original without my comments, you should probably do that sooner, rather than later.) [articles removed]

Young teens “hooking up” to avoid relationship maintenance by Jeremy Iggers

• A few things… oral sex is too sex. Otherwise we’d call it… something else.
• I can’t imagine the danger presented by this idea of not “needing” emotional connections with a partner and just getting sex from them. Plus, if it is possible to do that, it’s not something that all of us can do. I’m really sure I can’t get physically involved with someone without getting emotionally involved as well (one of the many reasons I haven’t gotten physically involved with someone).

Whatever Happened to 1 Corinthians 7:7? by Fr. Gregory Jensen

• Celibacy as a viable option? It sure doesn’t seem so in this day and age. But the author has a point. Life is full and rewarding and complete without sex. It’s along the same lines where some people think if you don’t have kids you’re missing out on life. I’ll admit that both kids and sex are valuable and significant, but life isn’t incomplete without them, just different. I wish more people would realize that. I think my biggest problem if I decided to be celibate (as in permanently), or if I decided not to have kids, would be dealing with everyone else, who would either think I was deprived or ignorant (to give up sex), or selfish (to not have kids).

Mentally ill youth ‘warehoused’ in detention centers, study finds by Erica Werner

• This is truly a crime. Haven’t we reached the point these days where a majority of people recognize that many mental illnesses are biological, and that most are treatable with medication and/or talk therapy. So why are we warehousing kids in juvie? This clearly isn’t what’s best for them.
• I realize this probably means more government funding. Do the benefits outweigh the costs? I think so. Money spent paying psychologists and psychiatrists to help kids be fully functioning members of society turns into money those doctors can spend immediately, and secondly it turns those kids into people who are not a drain on the system but able to contribute, hold jobs, raise families, etc. Obviously, the latter is a decade or more down the road, but still a worthy goal.
• I tried to find the report online, but it’s not out there yet. I’d really like to read it though.

All Messed Up by Bart Campolo

• It’s the last part of what Campolo writes that resonated with me. Ultimately, in my humanity, I can’t solve big problems like urban ghettos, but subconsciously I think I can.

Rockin’ out to: PFR

Wisdom Source: The Red Tent, by Anita Diamant. Just finished LOTR: The Return of the King by Tolkien.

Today’s Wisdom: John 10:10, “The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give life in all its fullness.”

popularity: 14%

It’s been a long time, baby! I’ve been crazy busy, or at least away from home and a computer, for the last several weeks, which has meant you’ve all had to do without me. So sad.

This past weekend I was in and Mike’s wedding, and it was wonderful. I also visited my Grandpa who is in the hospital. He seems to be doing better, but he is 91, so, if you are the praying type, yours are appreciated. I’m not feeling terribly wordy today, so I’ll just leave you with some pictures.

and

Visiting the Walker outdoor art exhibit

popularity: 12%