Well, I have a new crush. Amanda & I went to a party tonight hosted by a friend of hers (a former co-worker). I had had a tiny crush on him before, until we found out he was about to propose to his girlfriend. A few months pass by, and now he’s broken up with her instead. This party we went to, we were almost the only females there, and definitely the only single ones (although Amanda would argue that none of the guys were single). He did talk about “bachelor life” and throwing the party to “pick up girls,” but all in jest. Or, mostly in jest. He touched my arm at one point. Yeah.
The thing is that I already know him, who he is, what he stands for, what he believes in. He’s real. Sure, I don’t know much about him, but every interaction I’ve ever had with him has been… real. Why do I bring this up? I have the tendency to read into things, to build them up to what they’re not, and I did this with my last crush. It was all email, and when we met in person. I just didn’t feel a connection. And I promised myself not to date anyone else without some “chemistry” on my part. I either feel it or I don’t – I can’t make it up, or pretend, or ignore. I haven’t gotten physically involved with any of my boyfriends because I didn’t feel it (or the very few to whom I was attracted obviously weren’t with me, or they didn’t try anything). I never understand all the times I see on TV or movies when people are making out (or more, use your imagination) even if they don’t like the person, of just because they need to get it on. I can’t do that – I’m not like that.
Maybe I think too much; I’ve always been super-aware when a guy’s been going in for the kiss (or whatever) and it always freaks me out. My mind races and I’m totally not calm and not in a good way. I don’t think it’s supposed to be like that.
So my old crush, I just didn’t feel it. And I don’t know how he feels or what he thinks is going on. I’m trying not to lead him on, but I also don’t want to jump the boat if there’s no need to. Maybe he just wants to be friends.
New crush I’m going to name SummerCrush. I don’t think anyone else gets to know his initials yet. Well, Amanda will figure it out, but that’s it. He’s rebounding right now, or at least that’s what I’m supposed to remind myself. Gosh darn it, though.
He feels very strongly about politics, and I’m pretty sure at first look we don’t agree on much. But a lot of my political ideas are… moldable. Yes, some are written in stone, but for the most part I’m uninformed. And while here in Minnesota I call myself conservative, I’m much more liberal than I let on, or than I think I am. Being here has made me cling tighter to my conservative roots – more so than I actually believe in. I guess I’m saying that it’s not really all real, my feelings of being conservative, and that I’m open for discussion in a lot of ways.
I should get some sleep. Pleasant dreams of SummerCrush….