Talked to today about the lent drama. It went really well. I didn’t want to do it, but am so glad I did. I used my feeling words, and accepted my responsibility in the matter, but didn’t get emotional.

Actually, I don’t get emotional at all lately, unless it’s anger. That’s not right.

No comments about my haircut or color. Well, two. Side note: does not have good hair.

First day of Lent - I’m giving up TV, and I did it, all day. Granted, I was home and awake for maybe an hour total, but still. I’m keeping PBS and the news, so I can stay “tuned in” to current events, and I can watch on Sundays because they don’t count in Lent, but I’m not home much on Sundays.

Listening to: a purring cat

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These are my new Post-Its:

Aren’t they fun? For those of you reading who desire a certain someone to kiss you soon, perhaps you should place these upon your face (or anywhere you wish to be kissed) and hope for the best.

Listening to: phones ringing

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I feel very frustrated right now. The actual meeting at was fine - not exactly worth my time, but they were paying me…. I had so much negative energy afterwards though that I went to Target, and tried to turn it around by spending money on gifts for other people. Unfortunately for , they didn’t have the right kind of pom-poms, so she got no new toys.

So the Lenten drama (see Feb 18). & & DJM were having a meeting today where they’d review my work, see if it fit in the time constraints, etc. Asked her tonight what the consensus was had she said it was a “little” long and they cut it down to six parts. SIX! They cut 40% of my work! Now I know that I acted fairly laid-back about my work, but I was really excited about this project. I completed it in 2 days. I did props and staging and mics and everything. It left me thinking, what’s the point?

I am feeling as though some of my greatest moments of creativity are seriously crippled at . I can understand the time I wanted to have communion and we couldn’t because session has to vote on it - fine, that’s the bureaucratic nature of the beast. But then & I were planning to do a stations of the cross for the kids using the teens, and I shared the idea (which people loved) and then & DJM turned it into something completely different, without asking or consulting me, or even telling me until last week. So they turned it into this drama thing which I did get input on, and then asked if I’d be willing to write it, and I did, and AGAIN my ideas are scrapped.

OK, so they kept 60%. In school that’s a failing grade. That’s about an hour’s worth of work wasted.

I am feeling not appreciated. I keep using feeling words so that when and I talk on Wednesday I can use those words, and I can’t be argued with. Feelings are never wrong. Perhaps how I act on feelings, but you can’t tell me to feel differently.

I hate conflict - real conflict, that is. I don’t want to talk to about it because I’ll be defensive and I’ll feel like I’m hurting her feelings, and I know in part that I’ll be overreacting because I’m more sensitive than I let on and that’s not fair to others. So I feel even worse for feeling upset and needing to discuss it.

I know it would be healthy for me to have this conversation because I usually avoid them. does things that annoy me and I let them slide because I don’t want to make her feel bad, or I’m trying to understand, but then she keeps doing them and I keep being annoyed. That doesn’t help. I tell people at work I’ll help them at their convenience, and carry on conversations with people who annoy the crap out of me because I don’t want to be mean.

I can be strict. I can uphold the rules. I can be mean in jest, or unwittingly. But I am too fully aware of my own feelings all the time to hurt another on purpose (unless I’m really mad - if I lose my temper, watch out!). Am I a people pleaser?

I feel awful. I feel wrong for being frustrated, and I know that’s not true. I’m upset. I feel stifled and unappreciated.

Just one of the many reasons I keep looking for a new place of ministry. I need to write my Luther essay, but not with the mood I’m in. I’d love a nice long bubble bath, but we only have a shower. And the toilet’s running constantly again, so there’s this incredibly aggravating sound in the apartment.

I was bitchy today. I try to avoid using that word, but really, I was. Really, right now, life just isn’t the greatest.

Romantically I haven’t a prospect in the world, unless I want to go back and flirt with our barely legal waiter from Friday night.

Emotionally I”m not feeling much of anything. I miss my friends from college and the kinds of relationships we had, the things we talked about.

Physically I’m not that tired, but I have gained some weight that I’d like to take off, and I haven’t worked out since Christmas.

Intellectually I’ve been slightly challenged at work lately, and I have a roommate with whom I can have smart conversations, as long as we can agree to disagree.

Spiritually I haven’t done much (if anything) for myself lately. I don’t worship at the church I work at, but I’ve been too busy to be willing to spend free time trying someplace else. I have learned a lot in my studies for youth group, but no one’s been teaching me. I have almost no fellowship with people who believe what I do. The only evangelism I do is by just living my life, and I haven’t done a very good job of that lately. And I miss serving for the joy of serving. Yeah, I work at a church, but it’s work. I don’t have time to volunteer at Open Arms or with the homeless or anything.

It’s a recipe for burnout. How do I stop? Some of life is the way it is. To change it would mean … no money, or moving states, or being a different person than I am. The solution that I see isn’t available, that door isn’t opening. So I’m trying to make the best of the situation, but I guess I’m just really making a mess instead.

Listening to: “Streams” by Various Artists, Job by Cindy Morgan

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10 years ago:
- I was 15 (yeah, do the math)
- I was a sophomore in high school
- I worked at ’s store on weekends

7 years ago:
- I graduated high school and started college
- I got my second kiss (thank you, )
- I made some of the best friends of my life

5 years ago:
- I worked in San Francisco for the summer
- I was in love with *multiple* boys (only a few of which were in love with me)
- My parents divorce was final
- started college

3 years ago:
- I graduated college and moved to Michigan
- I was very lonely in Michigan
- Several friends of mine got married
- Several cars that I owned died (in rapid succession, I went through 4 cars that year)

2 years ago:
- I moved to Minnesota after the church I was working at got rid of the pastor
- I was very cold in Minnesota, but not as lonely because lives here
- Watched go through heartbreak, and then find the love of her life,
- I went through pain myself as I was fired from a job unexpectedly
- I went on the adventure of a lifetime to Arizona for the summer (Rodeo-Chediski fire included at no extra cost)

1 year ago:
- I made some great friends (see pic below)
- I was settling into two new jobs (they’re only temporary, but now I’ve been here… longer than I thought)
- I started losing touch with friends from college

Today:
- It is very hot at work, but cold and rainy outside (rain is better than freezing rain or snow though!)
- I’m applying to Seminary
- I’m healed a lot from my two negative church experiences
- I have two adorable cats and one pretty cool roommate (even if she was moody yesterday)
- I have a meeting at tonight that I’m not terribly excited about

Tomorrow:
- I’m getting my hair colored (I miss the blond streaks!)
- Who knows?
- Hopefully I’ll get to join the gym soon so I can look great for ’s wedding in May

Listening to: Van Morrisson, “Best Of,” Warm Love

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I helped her pack her car up on Saturday and she drove back to Cincinnati sometime yesterday. She leaves on Sunday for Malawi. Amazing. No summer vacation this year for our birthdays. Here’s how we spent most of last summer:

(l to r: me, , )

Listening to: Van Morrisson, “Brown-Eyed Girl”

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Hip New Churches Pray to a Different Drummer

I’ve been to Solomon’s Porch a couple of times and really enjoyed it. Their communion really is like the article above references. I haven’t been to their new building, though. Now that we moved Senior High Youth Group to Sunday nights, I can’t go to their services. I spend so much time already at the church I work at, it’s hard to get motivated to go elsewhere, just for myself, even if I know it’ll be worth it.

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If you haven’t noticed yet, I definitely have a “type” of guy that I’m into. Here’s two more beautiful examples.

Now, just for the record, I like Jeremy Sisto in the Jesus miniseries, but not as Elton on Clueless. Actually, I don’t really like him when he has curly hair. But he’s so… charming and charismatic as Jesus, with the long hair. He did a really good job in that movie.

I referenced Dermot Mulroney earlier - he really does look like the guy from high school. Wish I had a picture of him so that you could see.

Contrary to popular belief, I’m not entirely boy-crazy. Just lately, I’ve been appreciating God’s handiwork. Yeah, that’s it.

No, here’s the deal. Putting the pics up makes it really easy for me to see that I’ve got a type. I’ve known this, of course, and so do some of my friends who protest when I say I don’t like blonds (ew, they look like ). But really. Isn’t it obvious? Dark hair. Tall and lanky. Perhaps a Jewish nose. Oh, and pretty. I know, so superficial. Truthfully, that could all go down the drain if I found an amazing guy who walked every day with Jesus. There’s still a chance that he’s out there, and that he looks like any of the above or below-referenced beauties.

Listening to: Josh Groban, “Never Let Go”

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It’s so hot inside all the downtown buildings today. It was yesterday, too. We’re all melting here. And falling asleep. It’s a killer to be sitting at a computer, doing all the boring/tedious work you put off all week but now it’s Friday and you might as well catch up… and have it be so warm.

Last weekend with - she’s driving home and then flying off to Africa at the end of the month. Hopefully tomorrow we can go see Beyond Boreas: A Puppet Show of Frozen Follies and Mythical Meltdowns.

The Frappuccino is not helping. I am still tired. Wish I could go home early. But why. There’s nothing to do there. Blah. I will be better once I get out of this building.

I think I have arthritis in my hands. They’ve been feeling significantly in more pain lately.

I must remember to watch MSNBC - Who Killed Jesus? tonight on TV. No, wait, record it. I’d like to watch Joan of Arcadia, but I figure we’ll be doing something instead of just bumming around.

Must… stay…… awake…………

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

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I was reading Marie Claire Magazine last night and came upon an article that has inspired me today. Today I am beautiful. I am not just sexy, I am sultry. I have the smoky eye, I have the schwoopy bangs, I’ve got the red sweater that clings just right to the good Vicky bra (not the comfortable one, the good one), and the red reflects onto my face so I don’t get that “you look so pale, are you alright?” question. I’m walking through the skyway telling myself, I look good. I look great. People look my way and I tell myself they’re thinking, damn she’s hot, and, gee I wish I could have that Frappuccino and stay that thin but it all goes to my hips….

Hey, it’s a rare high-self-esteem day. I revel in them.

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Italian is the most beautiful language! I don’t understand it, but it sounds beautiful! Maybe when I take my trip to France I can stop by Italy.

Listening to: Josh Groban, “Per Te”

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“When was the last time you…

1. …went to the doctor?
September, to talk about my medications.

2. …went to the dentist?
October for a crown

3. …filled your gas tank?
Can’t remember. Honestly. The light came on last night.

4. …got enough sleep?
Last weekend? Maybe not.

5. …backed up your computer?
Work computer - never. The server does it automatically daily. Home computer? Neither of them work and are both sitting in the basement collecting dust.

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I will learn to tango. If he will come and give me personal instruction.

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I am a rocket scientist of literary and theatrical proportions. OK, that might be overselling my most recent work, but I feel pretty darn brilliant right now. I wrote the Holy Wednesday (that’s the Wednesday of Holy Week, not Ash Wednesday) drama-piece for last night, 10 monologues, soliloquys actually, and while they’re rough, I’ll link you to them so you can witness the genius that is me. I even did staging and props and will figure out mics today.

Bad news? Much of it will probably be hacked by . We’ll see. Let’s hope they’re not too critical of this masterpiece.

Here’s the piece (it’s a PDF) [file removed].

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I gave blood today. I am type O, so it’s especially important for me to do this. They like me there. They call me when I can donate again, because I’m a universal donor. I feel good about doing it, too. The second time I went to donate blood, back in August or September, they told me that my donation was going to be used for up to four babies! That got me hooked. Plus, I know there are lots of people who can’t give blood, whether it’s because they’re not healthy or whatever reason. Like , who passed out and chipped a tooth once, so now she can’t give.

I grew up going with as she gave blood, so I guess I’m entrenched in the idea that this is what you do.

Anyways, Be Nice To Me, I Gave Blood.

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1. Are you superstitious?
No, on a practical level I don’t believe in “all that stuff.” I am, however, much of a germophobe.

2. What extremes have you heard of someone going to in the name of superstition?
I can’t think of anything. I know when I was little we used to skip down the sidewalk, trying not to land on cracks.

3. Believer or not, what’s your favorite superstition?
Throwing salt over one’s shoulder seems… silly. Walking under ladders always makes me duck my head a little bit.

4. Do you believe in luck? If yes, do you have a lucky number/article of clothing/ritual?
No, I don’t believe in luck. I actually was part of a church that wouldn’t have potluck dinners because it used the word “luck,” so they had “Community Dinners” or something to that effect. I don’t have a favorite number (except when exaggerating, and then it’s usually 27 or 42), and I don’t have lucky clothes (although some definitely make me look cuter than others).

5. Do you believe in astrology? Why or why not?
I don’t. I used to read my horoscope all the time, and it never came true, and then it seemed to be a little… religious for me, so I stopped reading altogether. I just recently have allowed myself to read, in fun, a horoscope or two. They still don’t come true. I was supposed to meet a guy on the 8th of this month, and… NO.

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