,

It’s been a long time since I’ve written you, or even thought of you. I seem to have lost you, or hope in the idea of you even. Where are you? Where am I? I wish I could fill these pages with poetic phrases of my longings for you. Instead, my pen hovers over the paper, unable to compose.

I love you, this I know. Right now it is merely a part of me, and not something that drives me or defines me. I want to say I know you’re out there, that when the timing’s right we’ll be together. I have lost some (but thankfully not all) of my confidence in this.

And the thing is, I feel so capable of continuing on this way. I can take care of myself, have career and life goals that are not shaped around you, and I know that life will go on and be… fine, without you. I don’t need you. Such is the problem of being a 21st century woman. We want to need you, but we don’t want to at the same time.

In my head, I know that there are things about you that I will need. Perhaps the way you help me deal with my family, or convince me to go outside my comfort zone, or make me blush just with a look. I don’t know the ways I need you though. You’re not concrete. And I feel like I’m losing more of you as time goes on.

Can I lose you when you’re not even here? Or am I just losing parts of me? I wish you were here right now - I have a feeling you’d clear up a lot of the fogginess in my head. How much longer will it be? When will you come?

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