So… turning 25 wasn’t nearly as horrible as I thought it would be. It was kinda a bummer of a day. Got the last of the cavities filled (I think I can now apply for a permit to be a radio tower). Had to take notes at some meeting which was just… blah. And met my new counselor, who is very nice. It was just… like its totally scary (I was shaking while filling out the forms for why, I don’t know) and hard because I had to answer questions that I didn’t really want to, but wonderful because there was a commonality and a sense that things can get better. And called and I talked to him for a while and that was good. called a couple of times too (though never when I was home). called while I was at work and a bunch of people emailed and I got a bunch of cards on Monday. Not traumatic at all. And & I watched “The Princess Bride” on TV which was just fantabulous.

Got the interview tonight. Not nervous. Feeling actually more prepared than I thought I would be. But that’s because had the [] meeting today so I had plenty of time to use my brain to think about other things, like questions I should ask, what I want to communicate, etc.

There’s a lot to do tonight besides that, too, because I’ve got youth group to plan. And I’m starving and need to eat.

Almost time to go home!

popularity: 10%

called the other day, because she hadn’t talked to him in like 2 months and we’re going to see him this weekend, and with it being Father’s Day and then his birthday at the end of the month, we figured we should get a gift. They talked for 17 minutes, and it was her talking for the whole time. This is why I haven’t called in 6 weeks. What do I have to talk about, that’s worth saying to someone who’s not really talking back?

I did find a new chiropractor that I can walk to from work, and Monday night I scheduled an appointment to see a counselor, and now I have to cancel it because as I was looking for a new one (the one they were sending me to wasn’t at a convenient location), I found that my insurance contracts Lutheran Social Services, which means I can get faith-based counseling. I’m so excited. I called this morning and made an appointment. It’s on my birthday, but the counselor that I’m with has late hours; my appointment is at 5:45 and I could have gotten an appointment as late as 8p! That’s exciting too. I didn’t really need to spend more of my virtually non-existent sick hours on that. Same with the chiropractor. Now as soon as I get all these cavities filled, I’ll be in tip-top shape (5 down, 4 to go!)

popularity: 9%

Finally told & about the Panama job. They were pretty good, but it did get blown over a little, just because, well, we’re all in the same boat. We went out for drinks last night (ending with deciding no more margaritas on weekday nights, but & I got strawberry daiquiris with virtually no alcohol but they sure cost enough). had had an interview on Friday and then she left for the weekend and we all hadn’t really talked about that, plus she had some new career thoughts. is still undecided, even about whether to stay in MN or move back home, although the Peace Corps is now looking like more of an option for her. So, my little thing wasn’t really that big of a deal, since we’re all freaking out about what the next step is.

It’s terrible, I have to say, but I absolutely CANNOT STAND the new staff person at . It’s probably entirely wrong of me, but she just rubs me the wrong way every time I talk to her. She used to have my job, and then she went to seminary, and now she’s back but with a different (translated: children not youth, 3/4 time instead of 1/4 time) job. I never knew her when she was here before because, well, I was living in a whole other state and didn’t even know the existed. She talked to me on Sunday and was so… condescending. I hate that. She was all, I’ll help you in any way I can and I’d love to be a point person to help you problem solve and of course you don’t know anything about how to do what you’re doing and I know how to do everything so just lean on me but I won’t actually do your stuff because I have boundaries and aren’t I just so wonderful? Please. I wanted to scream, jump out of my skin, and then calmly explain to her that I’ve been doing this for EIGHT years and thank you kindly but I don’t need your help would you please leave me alone. But, of course, this is , and so I just smiled and nodded and pretended to be elsewhere.

And she called me today at work and… just even the sound of her voice grates on me. I just want her to go away. Its been a while since I’ve disliked someone this much at church. Back in MI there were several people…. but that’s an entirely different story and situation.

This makes me want to leave, even more.

I know that I may look like I’m 12 and so perhaps have just graduated from high school and don’t know what I’m doing, but she didn’t even ask. She just assumed that I’d never been a yp before and would need her help. Thank you, but I got along fine for the nine months before you showed up, I think I’ll survive.

popularity: 9%

Well, I didn’t get the Panama job. I’m really disappointed. More so than I thought I’d be. Realistically, I know that if they didn’t want me (especially this early in the game), I don’t want to be there. It was such a… dream, though. This weekend asked me about that job plus the one in Bloomington that I’ve got an interview for later this month (have I mentioned that one yet?) and I told her that I liked the Panama one better, especially when I think about the path that each one leads me on. The Bloomington one is a normal suburban church yp job - there’s part of me that hugely protests “what I’ll become,” what the end result is, when I travel that path. The Panama one, I didn’t know what the end result was, but it didn’t feel… like that. Dammit. I really wanted that job. And I can tell… it’s coming. I am going to be depressed. I got a stress headache, not 15 minutes after finding out. But… I’m feeling dark already. I’m going to schedule an appointment with a counselor (like the doctor wanted me to back in March) so I can get put on meds. I was waiting, truly, to find out about Panama, because they want to put you on meds for a minimum of 6 months, and if I was leaving at the end of August, why bother. But now, well, why not. It’s upsetting because it means that I don’t have any way out of my current situation for a while. That’s not true entirely, but I have no acceptable ways out. So I’ll be working for the State and doing the part-time thing at church and… there’s a big part of me that screams UNACCEPTABLE to that too. I’m really just not content with my current situation, the status quo. I hear that’s all that being 20-something is about, but I’m not buying it. And just because there are hundreds of thousands of other unhappy people out there doesn’t mean I have to be one too.

popularity: 9%

I’ve been reading The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver at ’s recommendation (warning, I might give away key factoids and plot-spoilers). I’m still not all the way finished with it and it’s been two weeks of reading it on the bus and staying up late. But it’s really good. And really difficult at the same time. It’s about a missionary family in the Congo starting in 1959. When I say difficult, I mean that the father is a southern baptist evangelist who decides to take his family to the Congo and his definition of his purpose there is to baptize everybody while totally ignoring all of their culture and way of life. He doesn’t even get to know people individually, just yells a lot about sin and repentance and damnation and baptism. It’s hard to take the, well, brutal honesty of the description of his mission - I know that for a long time many people treated missions like this, and sometimes I’d just rather forget about that. This morning as I was reading it, I was overwhelmed with the desire to hop into the book (or a boat across the ocean) and just go and hug people and sooth their pains and make everything all better. I’m not so much pulled to do the evangelism talking-about-God thing (although that could just be a result of my not having really talked to Him in quite some time, and also sometimes that just happens, I just get into conversations about Him without realizing it). I just get overwhelmed sometimes with grand dreams of compassion. Maybe… I don’t know. Like I have any clue about anything.

popularity: 10%