I feel as though I am all black, and am surrounded by darkness. There are faint lights in the distance, all different colors, but they do not glow warmly - they are enticing in the sin they represent. But I wish for complete darkness. I cannot shut out their dirty light, nor can I make the pure light come. I cannot command it to rain down from the heavens, cannot demand its presence.

I stumble, alone, without direction. There is not even a hint of what to do, how to act, what may change my circumstance. Only the beckoning of the lights.

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I don’t have anything deep to say right now. Lots going on in my head right now.

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So I should be talking with my kids right now. They’re right outside my door. I don’t have the self-control to choose them over me. Is that wrong? Bad? Should I not be doing this job at all?

This doesn’t feel like home. Is that me or them? My last church did. The one before that did too.

Am I just really screwed up? I’ve been waiting (although technically I should have been praying and reading my Bible and pursuing the answer) for something clear from god on future direction, something like my original calling. The other day I just came to the realization that I don’t like working for churches. At all. Don’t want to do it again. Is that my sign? That was a me thing. I was kinda hoping for a God thing.

And I’m so frustrated with Presbyterians in general. We can’t do the cool activity next week with communion because session has to approve things like that. Well poop. It made me cry. And it was like didn’t even hear what I’d said - she suggested we could do it another time AFTER session meets again and she didn’t get that it went with the specific lesson for next week. She didn’t want to meet - was on the phone my first 45 minutes here. Didn’t get to tell her the shitty week I had. I’m so overwhelmed with crappy emotions right now. How can I do this? THIS. Junior high youth group. Dinner. Lent service (gag). Senior high youth group. Drive home. Cope with roommates. Try to sleep. Start over.

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