Had coffee with on Sunday. It was good in a lot of ways. For two hours we had a good conversation where he actually asked questions and made his own conversation without me asking all the questions. That was really nice. It didn’t seem to “click” though. Like, if it had been a blind date, I probably wouldn’t go on a second one. He gained some weight too, at least in his face (which I suppose comes just from not working 18 hour days and eating better food). I wasn’t really feeling the chemistry though. It did feel like we were on equal ground, which has been a concern of mine. He’s so tall, the goodbye hug was awkward. He might have invited me to a concert (how can I not be sure? It was more like an announcement that “downhere” was going to be at C than an invite to come, but that seems like his style. I had to invite myself, more or less.)

So many dilemmas come out of this. I don’t really want to be the one doing all the work in this relationship. I emailed, I called, I even drove the furthest. That’s what I had with and why it eventually ended for me. There’s also the issue of personal convictions. If I don’t believe that women should pursue men and if I don’t really believe in dating (all of which is true), then what am I doing? Do I betray my convictions, as so many of my friends have done and I’ve been so critical of their hypocrisy? Or do I lose the relationship completely, because if I don’t pursue it, it might just fade away? And while he’s my ideal in many ways (so many more than any guy I’ve ever known), he’s not doing it for me, I’m not feeling the attraction. was ideal too and I felt the chemistry, but I ended it (whatever it was) because I was doing all the work. Without looking at the whole God aspect and treating this just as a personal issue, what is the healthy thing to do? It feels wrong to betray my convictions (duh, but seriously, it doesn’t feel right in any sense, I get this pit at the bottom of my stomach when I think about it) even though everybody else seems to be pushing me in that direction. There’s also the part of me that’s not content to drop the friendship. I’ve been OK doing that with others (, , to name a few). I feel like if I dropped him, years later I would regret it and look back with a sense of longing.

I could wait for the God-perspective. Sometimes that clears these issues up immediately. But I’d like to be able to make healthy relationship decisions for myself without that piece. Does that make sense or is it a betrayal of my faith and relationship with God? Is that denying my dependence on Him, am I acting self-reliant?

As much as my relationship with Him has been non-existent since I got back from Arizona, He has been at work in my life and through me. I’ve had more conversations about faith issues than ever before. I’ve seen a huge change in . I know, on the flip side, that my ministry at could be hugely more effective if I talked with God.

Isn’t it clear I have no answers? I just ask questions, pose both side of the argument, and wait. Silence. No reason within myself, no solid direction from outside myself.

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