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My heart belongs to You alone. How could I have stayed away from You for so long, have strayed so far? You are my heart’s sole passion. I burn for You and my desire is for Your happiness and pleasure. What pleases You, my love? I will do anything to be in Your embrace again, to be secure in Your arms and at peace in Your love. If I could climb the mountains to be with You, I would, or if I would find you at the deepest part of the ocean, I would go there. But You are in everything and nothing at once. Tangible yet completely intangible. I cannot hold You or look upon You or know You fully. I cannot love You as You deserve, be who You deserve, or fulfill Your hopes and dreams and expectations. I will continue to stray, to run away, to break Your heart.

Why do You keep loving me? You deserve so much more! Loving You is no easy task - You scare me so much sometimes, the things You ask me to do, the way You believe in me, how You don’t show me the whole plan, see something in me that I can not. What do You see when You look at me? And when You look, what does it make You want to do? Cry? Laugh? Sigh? Smile? Rage? I wish I knew. Yet You are so unknown to me. I have not yet learned to see as You do, to feel as You do, to know as You do, to trust as You do.

Be patient with me, . I desire to be the lover You deserve.

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Things are so blurry these days - I think I am choosing to see them that way. Pastor Jimenez gave me a Bible verse at the end of the summer - Jeremiah 1:4-7 I think, that speaks of God’s calling to Jeremiah. He gave it to me because he believes I am called to be a prophet too. At the time, I believe I felt honored. Now that is definitely not the feeling. Last Wednesday at youth group made me want to cry. Or scream and shout. Something. All of the senior highers believe in religious pluralism - all paths to “God” are equal, Jesus is just one of the many, and the Bible is nothing more than a guidebook. And I’m pretty sure the rest of the church feels this way as well. The first (well, one of the first) thing I thought of? The verse from Pastor Jimenez and how God may have just called me here at this time and place to speak for Him. And now all I feel is fear. I don’t want to be a prophet. I have no desire. This is what I get for surrendering all to God, telling Him I’ll even be a missionary, I’ll do whatever He wants me to do if only He’ll tell me. I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but this? I don’t even know what to do, in the slightest. I don’t feel strong enough, bold enough, anything enough. Too young, too small, too stupid, too timid, too tongue-tied, too new… I could give excuses all day and it wouldn’t change the calling. And look at what happened to Jonah when he ran away from it? But then look at the lives of all the prophets… what’s better, how they lived or being in the belly of a whale? It’s a toss-up.

Here I’ve been hoping God was going to clearly tell me whether or not I should do urban ministry, and this sort of falls in my lap while I’m waiting. And while I sort out this whole prophet thing, what do I do, say, this Wednesday in youth group? Just go on as if nothing has happened, as if nothing has changed? I can’t, because everything has changed. The Gospel is no longer relevant, the Bible holds no lasting significance. There’ s no reason for any moral or ethical teaching of any sort. We might as well just eat and play games and fellowship. We could do stuff, serve somehow, because I think that might still have meaning (what, I’m not sure). I just can’t see how anything has meaning in light of their beliefs. Where do we go from here?

I could have a really good talk with about this, if we were speaking. Actually, he’s still speaking to me. He called a couple of weeks ago and we played phone tag for a few days, but nothing came out of it. I had to call and talk through it just to be able to call him back that first time. Because everything changes when he’s there. If he’s not present, I don’t want him, don’t feel anything, don’t need him, can control myself. But when he’s there….

Lately, I’ve been having this conversation with him in my head. He calls and we chat for a bit, until I ask, “Can I ask a really jerky question? Why did you call? Why are we friends?” And I proceed to go into this rant about how I loved him for so long and its just too hard to be friends. He never says anything - I don’t know how he’d respond, truthfully. But I think that’s why he hasn’t called. God’s protecting me (or maybe him) from my mouth.

And , too, I don’t really like him except when he’s around. It’s kinda nice having a respite from all these feelings. Except when people ask if I’m seeing anyone. Especially with ’s wedding and all that that entails. But I’m trying my hardest to be OK with being the single, older sister of the bride.

The thing is that I enjoy being single. And I have no time for a relationship anyways - I’m barely holding up the friendships I’ve got going on as it is. And I’ve been single for so long.

I’d be a monk or a nun if I could. Mother Teresa. But I don’t think that’s the path God’s called me to. I just don’t see any way of meeting “the one” - the thought exhausts me.

O Lord, direct my path….

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