“If you think you are standing strong, be careful, for you, too, may fall into the same sin.” 1 Corinthians 10:12

We talked about character weaknesses we’d like to work on this summer. Mine was pride/arrogance. I really struggle with that. I don’t understand it, because I often lack confidence, which would seem to go hand-in-hand with pride. But then again I am a collection of contradictions.

It was fun to play guitar with and tonight and teach them some songs. And the foot-washing service was good. It seems so… Intimate to touch someone’s feet like that. And I praise God for such a gracious staff, that they accept my weaknesses with joyous laughter (like calling them by the wrong name as I pray for them.)

Life-lesson today. I mentioned, and I don’t know why, to M that I thought C was cute. Amazing how speaking words like that aloud make them so much more real and BIGGER. So then I was distracted by him for the rest of the afternoon and evening. Good thing he’s a Site Director far away from Arizona. I had forgotten to keep comments like that in my head and to not dwell on them.

We’re heading out tomorrow - big responsibility for me with the Navajo site not having A with them. Sometimes I’m given these jobs or put in these positions that seem so… adult, and I do not feel that way at all. I still feel like a college freshman sometimes.

Wow. That was SIX years ago! God has taught me some great lessons and changed me so much in that time - it’s almost impossible to even imagine what the future could be like. I wonder what He’ll teach me this summer? I wonder what the step after this one is. I know I should concentrate on today and the work at hand. I know that God has the future (mine too) under control and it is good. I trust that in my head. My heart is anxious though. My heart learns lessons very slowly.

I’m tired tonight, finally. Sleep hasn’t been that bad lately, just slow to arrive. I’m so thankful and seem to be understanding of me on that. It could be a source of friction otherwise.

There is lots to be done tomorrow before we leave, mainly things to think about. I feel unprepared, but I trust that God will light the way and clear my thoughts.

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“…yet I have become a servant of everyone so that I can bring them to Christ. …Yes, I try to find common ground with everyone so that I might bring them to Christ.” 1 Corinthians 9:19, 22

Great words on servant leadership. Thought a lot today about loving people to Christ. This could be hard for me as it related to my job, specifically dealing with adult leaders. Sometimes I just get so frustrated with them, especially when they are close-minded.

I have really enjoyed the worship times here, having that twice a day. I really missed that in the transition out of college. And while I’m not yet at a place where I feel like I’m really worshiping, I have been growing less distracted. Makes me think about potential jobs when this summer is over, and how it might be nice to be in an environment like Judson. Working in a church isn’t like that. There’s the Christian community aspect, but not the same kind that comes from more-than-once weekly corporate worship. I’ve been thinking about Macalester - wondering what that community is like. Or maybe a camp job. Or who knows what else.

It was nice to talk with Sherry (San Diego SD) today and hear her boy struggles. Interesting to see someone older than me (and much more confident) go through struggles I went through years ago. I grew so much in San Francisco through the whole thing, and the thing too. God has taught me so much about love and relationships! Not that I have arrived by any means - right now all my knowledge is of the singular variety, as in, not about shared love with another. I still have scads to learn on that front.

I’ve been noticing lately that I still have feelings for (duh) and that I still am holding onto the idea (dream?) of a future with him. It’s not the desperate wanting that it used to be, and it no longer feels so… unhealthy. But I still struggle with those questions and wanting answers from him, wanting to confront him. I don’t.

I guess for this summer its good that parts of my heart cling to him, because hopefully then I won’t be distracted by other boys (although that didn’t help in San Francisco). It’s just hard to give him up completely when I don’t see any other options on the road ahead.

Staff Prayer Requests from Sunday -
- being the only guy
- nighttime talks at Club
- being away from boyfriend

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“You must accept whatever situation the Lord has put you in, and continue on as you were when God first called you.” 1 Corinthians 7:17

Paul actually says this four times in chapter 7, a couple of times in reference to marriage. He exhorts single women to stay single. I understand why - to be one of mind in serving the Lord instead of your husband. But what about raising godly children? Anyway, I have no clear leading from God yet about whether I should stay single or marry, other than my current singleness. And has grown increasingly less important - no longer the priority he once was. I think about him less. I put him on my “to do” list but never get around to it. This is good. I still miss him sometimes.

I miss all my friends, being able to share with them trivial and deep thoughts, fun memories, all that. It’s been a long time since we’ve been together, all of us. And we’ve all changed so much that things would be very different if we did. Still, I can’t help but reminisce about “good times.”

I’m feeling good about my staff. It was great to share our expectations tonight, and worship together, and create these friendships. It was neat to meet new people today too but I won’t get to see them all summer so that’s kinda pointless.

I really feel… (I’m not sure if this is the right word) convicted… Through the story of Jesus healing the bleeding woman. It’s the story of Jesus healing the bleeding woman. It’s the scary expectations that we talked about tonight - those things on our “want” lists that we’re afraid to have happen. To have the courage and boldness and faith and trust to put them before God and say we expect them to happen. Wow.

Some of mine:

• Fall passionately in love with Jesus
• Learn what He has planned for my future
• Open myself up to Him in worship
• Money will be OK for the summer

I still have a huge list of wants that I’m not ready to expect. May I be challenged in the next few weeks to move them to the other list.

There’s so many unknowns right now, so few “silver linings.” The bright spots are there, but they’re not the ones I’m looking for: boyfriend, job, friends.

I know that my time on earth here I will always be a person “not yet arrived.” But it’s hard to be so far away from that arrival point. There are so many things in myself I want to change, so much more I want to do and be. Its frustrating more than anything - it seems like I’ll never get there. And the perfectionist in me kicks in and says if I’m not going to be perfect, why even try. I know that’s the wrong attitude to have. It’s easy, too, to say I’ll start tomorrow to change myself. But the real changes are happening today. Tomorrow never comes.

It was very cool to use a power saw today. I was really scared, but it wasn’t that bad. I’m glad that is very competent to do work projects, and a good guitar player too.

Aspirations:

• Be a morning person
• Speak Spanish
• Be more confident
• Be friendlier
• Be artistic
• Play guitar better
• Sing better and louder
• Forgive
• Self-discipline (exercise, eating habits, Bible reading, prayer, sleep habits)
• Read more
• Be an ordained, licensed minister
• Be more open, less reserved

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There was a time when some of you were like that, but now your sins have been washed away, and you have been set apart for God.” 1 Corinthians 6:11a (emphasis mine)

Today is a new day (or was), a beginning, a bend in the road, the turning of a leaf. Paul writes… There was, but now. That is me. I was… but now…. And God is continually creating in me who He wants me to be. What love and patience He must have for this process!

It wasn’t nearly as scary today as I thought it would be. Much less confusing and much friendlier people. I’ve so missed being with people my age - this is good.

Many details still to be worked out that I hope won’t keep me awake tonight. My head is full of thoughts that aren’t ready for paper yet.

A new day.

Tomorrow is a new day too.

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My journey these days seems so parallel to Much Afraid’s (chapter 4). Forced to take on the companions of Suffering and Sorrow or turn back. But I want to go to the high places and I want love to bloom in my heart. And so I take their hands, however unwillingly.

So distraught. I feel committed to this Youthworks thing and yet have no sense of peace about it. Is this what God wants me to do? I have no idea, big doubts and worries plague my thoughts. Logically, it makes sense - provides for my material needs, gives me good work experience, and its a guaranteed job. But I feel out my decisions. Of course, that hasn’t gone so well for DUMC and EPPC, but with Judson and just being in the Twin Cities. It feels wrong to make a decision based on logic. But that doesn’t mean its a wrong decision.

The valley is so deep and dark that I walk through. I don’t want to be here, in this valley. I want to be on the mountaintops, not here mourning and crawling my way along. God, what is Your plan??? Who am I and what am I supposed to do? Where do You want me to go? A big part of me wants the fastest way out of this - but I know the best way is not always fastest. Obviously I need to learn something and grow and develop my character and faith in some way.

I feel so… confused and alone. I know high school and college were awful sometimes, but I was surrounded by friends too, and things were familiar. I long to not be a vagabond, to not be new, to feel at home and settled. But I don’t know what that place looks like.

I’m SO very tired, Lord, of all of it. Can You take me away? Or just come and sit next to me and hold my hand. Let me know everything is going to be OK. Somehow, You’ll work it all out. Help me to make good friendships with my staff in Arizona - ones like from San Francisco. And Lord, You know I long for love, for companionship, and for a husband, and for friends in the Twin Cities. Help me to delight in You - Psalm 37:4. And in Your Word. And please bring me peace.

I am Yours to use - an empty vessel not worthy of the message I carry. Holy Spirit, point others to the Father through me. Take out everything in me that is evil and replace it with You. Clear out my heart and make it Your home. Jesus, I want to know You. I want to be useful in Your Kingdom - show me how. Somehow the personality You made me with and gifts You gave me fit somewhere in the body of Christ. Help me to remember that, and not despise the woman You created me to be. Remind me that You love me exactly as I am today. Help me to not hate parts of my personality that others perceive as flaws, but to love how You made me unique. And help me in my weakness to know You more, and to help others know You more.

Where do You want me?
Who am I to be?

I’ll try to be quiet Lord, to listen.

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I’m not tired. How could I possibly not be tired at 4 am? Watching informercials and music videos on TV. There’s no need to go to sleep. I’ve got an interview in the afternoon with a temp agency. That’s all I have to do. Oh, there’s some good TV on at night. I have no other plans for the rest of the WEEK. I’ve got some projects to work on. Otherwise life is seeming pretty pointless. I’m drifting.

I’m glad called tonight. So sad that her parents are getting divorced - not surprising, but there’s a lot of pain involved in that process.

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