Why did I ask God for a sign yesterday? That was so stupid! Now everything that happens with could mean something. And to top it off, I wore “the Pants” today.

I shouldn’t have asked for a sign if I wasn’t prepared for the answer. I guess I was expecting the answer to be: he’s not for you. That I was ready for. But I don’t want God to tell me he is. What am I supposed to do with that? I’m not saying that I got any sign either way. It was just stupid for me to ask in the first place.

I am going home tomorrow. K will be in and I can catch her on my way out of town. Then there will only be a few people I missed - L P-H, SG. I need to make phone calls before I leave, too.

I’m trying not to think about him. I finally pull back and then he moves forward. I can’t take it. Maybe he’ll get the job in Michigan - then we’d never see each other (as if its all that often right now).

It annoys me that I have no self-control when he’s around. I say things and do things that, if it were any other guy, I wouldn’t. I have no natural defenses where he’s involved. I can’t say no to him, either. Good thing he values and respects me, otherwise I’d be in real trouble.

Save me, Lord, from myself!

later in the evening…

Well, the signs didn’t get anymore obvious tonight. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think that the day was full of signs that we’re meant to be together. But I don’t trust that.

They were talking on the radio how God doesn’t listen to our big words but the cry of our heart. But does He listen to my deceitful heart’s cry? I hope He doesn’t.

Another sign? My heart is so willing to believe anything. Watching Frasier - the episode where Daphne is engaged and Niels misses out (even though they’re the ones who are supposed to be together) because he never speaks up and shares his feelings. And then a commercial for Michigan - where wants to live.

I should have never asked for a sign - what a lesson God is teaching me. Foolish child, He says. I’ll let you know what you need to know when you need to know it, and not a moment earlier. Stop asking!

popularity: 9%

Lord, I want my heart to long only for You. But I know, too, that the love between a man and a woman is good and pleasing to You. Which is Your desire for me - singleness or marriage? I would like to have lots of children, which would be hard without a husband, but not impossible. Adoption and foster parenting has long been on my heart. Whichever path You set before me I will take - just show me Your will.

About the job situation, too. Church ministry again? Or free tuition at Bethel? Or something else entirely? I trust You to take care of the situation and provide for my needs, but its hard when I can do math - the numbers don’t add up for too long before they’re negative. I have to pay my rent. May is taken care of. June, too, if I don’t spend any money, or if I get my tax refund. But beyond that, I’m out of cash. I’ve borrowed from everyone. I want to be debt-free. Father, I know You want that for me too.

And I want to do ministry. I won’t be afraid of anything You lead me into - even churches again. Thank You for protecting my heart from bitterness and malice and vengeance. Purify my anger so that only what is righteous remains.

I want to be like You in every area of my life - purify and sanctify me, Lord. Change me and remake me - come inside and redecorate. Destroy and create. All of me is Yours.

Lead me and guide me, Abba. I only want to go where You ordain, speak the words You give me, hear and see and do only as You direct. Holy Spirit, open me up to You so that I might follow Jesus more closely. Correct me when I am wrong. Humble me when I think only of myself. Teach me to love others and You more everyday. Let me be a light to You, glorifying only You and denigrating myself.

Draw my soul unto You. Pull my heart away from things and people of this world and let me be dedicated only to You. Use me for the furthering of Your Kingdom - not because You need me, but because I need You. And I need to feel useful, Father. You know me inside and out, better than I know myself. You know what’s best for me and how I can be used best. I want only Your best for me - in a husband (if its Your will), in a job, in ministry, in my life.

Is that selfish, to ask for Your best? I know I am not worthy, in my humanity. But as Your child, one purified and purchased by the blood of Jesus, I am worthy.

Lord, the parts of me that cling to this world, cut them out of me, like rotten spots on fruit. If only I could be with You in heaven now! How wonderful that would be! But I believe You have plans for my life - I believe that everything works together for good, somehow in Your mysterious ways.

Take me, then. I am at Your mercy. I praise You for Your grace. I love You, because You placed Your love in my heart. I am in the palm of Your hands. Your name is written on my heart. I am Your humble servant - do with me as You see fit.

One last request, Lord. If and C get married, can I be in the wedding party? Its so childish, and a small thing, but it would mean a whole lot to me.

popularity: 15%

said today (she was quoting someone else) that Satan always picks our weakest areas to bring us down. He picked good. First my job - but he didn’t win me with that. So now its . “The heart is deceitful above all things,” it says in Jeremiah. Mine is. And it is weak, as well. My will has decided, and I have stood firm. But my heart refuses to give in, give up. It delights in every word he says, advances every slight ambiance, attempts to convince the rest of me about something that may or may not be there. It really doesn’t matter either way (unless there’s a declaration from his party about that) - my will will win out. My heart, along with the rest of me, belongs to Jesus. And as His property, it is subject to His ruling. At this moment, His decision has been that I must cease and desist, wait no more in expectation and hope, dwell no longer on dreams and fantasies. I have given it my best effort. Every thought has been abruptly halted. Every dream not given a visit. Longings have been ignored, passions and desires overruled and silenced. Overall, the battle has been quick and fairly painless.

Yet my heart pushes on, does not give up, is unrelenting. How can this be so? My one desire is for my heart to belong solely to Jesus, my true lover. If I thought He wanted me to remain single, and thus solely dedicated to Himself for all my life, I would make that commitment in a heartbeat. Not having such reassurances, I press on, striving to live pure and holy for my Lord.

My heart betrays me. I would rip it from my chest if that would silence its treason. But its control is felt all over my body, its presence an enemy in my mind.

The battle between will and heart is endless. My will always winds. But my heart is unrelenting. And so the war rages on.

If I could be so cruel, I would cut off completely, never speak to him again, let him hate me and think awful thoughts about me. That is the one battle my heart wins - I love him and so it will not let me hurt him so. Which only results in my being hurt.

How does one stop love?

“Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures throughout every circumstance… There are three things that will endure - faith, hope, and love - and the greatest of these is love.” 1 Corinthians 13:7, 13

popularity: 9%

I can’t believe two days have passed. Tax day, of all days, like I’ll really be able to forget that - it will remain etched on my mind. I don’t think I’ll ever forget Monday morning.

Its unbelievable - me, fired, from a job in youth ministry. I am a great youth pastor! I’m not the best by any means, but I haven’t even had a chance to stay anywhere long enough to see how good I could be.

I love the kids. I’m organized. I have lots of talents, know the Bible, am a great teacher and communicator. What more do they want?

But they don’t want me. I can’t understand except for this: God has a plan. I don’t know what it is, but I know He’s there and despite what’s changed in my life, He hasn’t. He is the same.

And He is in control. I am His - no one else’s. Satan cannot have me - no matter what He tries, I belong to Jesus. He bought and paid for me, and my heart, my mind, my everything exist only to please Him.

He gave me Isaiah 58 to comfort me and for direction. Feed the hungry and clothe the poor and He will listen to me and bless me for generations to come.

Such a strange feeling. My journey just came to a very sharp curve, and I cannot see the road ahead of me - only enough for today. And that will do. I am surrounded by love here. Coming home was a good choice. Time could stop and I would be content here.

But time doesn’t stop. There is a day beyond this one. Only God knows what it holds. That’s fine with me - He knows best. He can be in charge of everything. I will do anything He wants. I am an empty vessel for Him to use as He sees fit.

popularity: 9%

I’m feeling much more… stable today, about the whole situation. I’m glad I got to volunteer today - there’s something so gratifying about the nature of volunteer work. But it can’t be connected with my job - that takes something away from it. Today its just me being a good person doing something for someone else.

Its nice having roommates, too, for whom I can do nice things (like their dishes, or take out the trash).

I wonder if I can translate that into youth ministry - not providing an opportunity for the kids to do it, but for me to do things for them. Hmm. I guess that’s what all that servant leadership stuff we learned at Judson was all about. Somehow they never applied it directly to the kids. I bet that would make me enjoy my job a lot more. That and if John would get off my case a little.

I’m so frustrated with that. He says he doesn’t want to micro-manage, but it feels like he is. Or at least, over-managing. I’m starting to resent him and dread our weekly meetings. I feel like I don’t have any freedom to do my job. What am I going to do? He makes me feel so… inadequate. I know I can do this job, and do it well. But not with him always looking over my shoulder and pushing.

popularity: 9%

I’m crying watching Star Trek. What’s wrong with me? Watching would-be lovers remain separated but filled with desire, seeing them filled with longing, used to resonate within me in a way that made me feel… connected, in love, and hopeful. Now they make me sad. I’ve been ready to cry at the slightest thing since Tuesday, since called.

Every time the phone rings, my heart beats a little faster hoping that its him (it’s not). And I see friends on the TV who are friends but could be more and I cry. I run conversations through my head of what we’ll say. I even imagine, without forethought, his arms around me, or…

This is what I was giving up, wasn’t it, when I gave him up. Why did he have to call? It’s so much easier when he’s not around at all.

So what do I do? I think its too hard to even be his friend. I want to be, so badly. I love him so much and I want him to be a part of my life. But my heart just can’t handle it. I can’t, it’s too much. I may be strong, but my heart is not. And if I have to protect it, I’ll just shut down and undo all the positive strides I’ve made so far, in trusting, in loving, in being open.

I think I have to tell him. I need him to back off and give me some time. Will he understand? Will it ruin our friendship? I’ve never formally been on this side of the table. and I are still friends, and every time I look at him I don’t think about the past. and I are friends, and there are no undertones of awkwardness. I’ve been able to move on, as have they. So this shouldn’t be any different, right?

Am I really going to do this? I would only do it in person - it only seems right. I’ll be home in less than two weeks.

Oh (huge sigh filled with longing), I want him so much! Can I have him, just for a little? No, if I have him, I want him for forever. I don’t think I get him forever. I don’t know that for sure. I don’t seem to know anything anymore.

popularity: 8%