Last Friday God freed me - I’ve “given up” . I haven’t stopped loving him, and there are still parts of my heart that want to hope against hope. But I’m not going to contact him anymore, and I’m not going to dwell or indulge myself like I used to. Its been so long since I’ve really thought of myself as single, though, and that’ll take some time to get used to. (Not like there’s anything to challenge my thinking there.)

I haven’t given it much more conscious thought, but its always in the back of my mind somewhere - this idea about being single forever. I know that I don’t want to be married unless God wants me to, and only to him whom He’s chosen. But the idea of being alone forever, never being part of a family unit of my own, of always sensing that unfulfilled longing… seems almost unbearable. And ministry seems to be easier in a sense for married people - always a backup person, a support network.

I’ve just had an awful two weeks, and wish I’d had someone to share them with, to keep me going. It seems like everything I’ve done here has gone wrong, half the stuff I was supposed to do hasn’t been done (some of it my fault, some of it not), people disappointed, my own expectations much higher than I lived up to. I hate performing sub-excellence. Nothing has gone my way!

Today, even, with my wonderful day off that I had a million things to do, errands to run, retreat to finish planning, relaxation and de-stressing needed. But major snowstorm! I couldn’t leave the house, Tom and Pat were around most of the day, inspiration didn’t come. I couldn’t stop by the church, I didn’t get drivers, had no money anyways but couldn’t go shopping. The TV stayed on all day but everything is reruns.

I really need someone to lean on. The bosses, while they offer “support,” are not people to lean on. It’s… conditional. I miss Pastor D’s leadership, and the low-key attitude of a small church. Fewer expectations, less people who cared, and if things went poorly, grace. I don’t get that here. Very high expectations that I never promised to live up to nor will I ever be able to. So many people watching EVERYTHING that I do. And when I mess up, I’m not sensing grace like I used to get. Instead, its like every mistake I make is a black mark against my character and future performance.

My whole job situation is this huge oxymoron. I want to be listened to with authority because I have knowledge and training. But I want space to be able to make mistakes because I don’t have 20 years of experience. They treat me like I need to be perfect and never make a mistake but then they go over my head to make decisions. I don’t get it! Is it the nature of being 23? Or of being in youth ministry? Or what? I can’t make sense of it.

And who do I… release… express… this to? Certainly not Matt and John - they’re far too concerned with product. Yes, they’re concerned with person, but only to the extent that it effects the product.

So who is there that cares, that understands? And there it comes back full circle - I want companionship. Long for it, would be a better description. I’m so very tired of being alone with my thoughts, so tired.

I don’t see any changes I can make in my life, either. Can’t change jobs, make friends, or get a boyfriend instantaneously. Moving into the apartment with A and K should help. But friendships come slow.

How can I change things at work to make them bearable? Who can shed light on this for me?

And how in the world am I to lead teens when I haven’t the slightest idea who I am or where I’m going?

popularity: 8%

I’ve been thinking about giving up - completely. Its getting old. I’m tired of being the one who cares more. He doesn’t call or write often enough, doesn’t share enough. I’m not saying he couldn’t change - because he totally could. But right now, he’s not enough. The idea of him is both too much and not enough. He’s so amazing and wonderful and perfect - but he’s not sharing that with me.

And I’ve been thinking about being… different. That eternal question, “who am I?” goes unanswered for me. I want to not be a cookie-cutter person, but I’m not sure how. I know its more than painting my nails weird colors or dying parts of my hair blue, or dressing like a hippie. I just don’t know. And the Bible doesn’t have answers like that - my identity in Christ.

Wandering the road of desperate life
Aimlessly beneath a barren sky
Leave it to me
I’ll lead you home
So afraid that you will not be found
It won’t be long before your sun goes down
Just leave it to me
I’ll lead you home

Hear me calling, hear me calling
Just leave it to me
I’ll lead you home

A troubled mind and a doubter’s heart
You wonder how you ever got this far
Leave it to me
I’ll lead you home

Vultures of darkness ate the crumbs you left
You got no way to retrace your steps
Just leave it to me
I’ll lead you home

Hear me calling, hear me calling
You’re lost and alone
Leave it to me
I’ll lead you home

So let it go and turn it over to
The One who chose to give His life for you
Leave it to me
I’ll lead you home

“Lead You Home” by Michael W Smith

popularity: 7%

I’m having this major life crisis today that’s actually not about boys. I feel as though I’ve somehow… lost a part of my identity, my individuality. For the longest time all I had been trying to do was to match the cookie-cutter people, always striving but always knowing that I was different. Well, I no longer feel different - I fit in. I may be a poorer (money-wise) version, but I match now. And I don’t like it. Not at all. What happened to counter-culture and my own style and being unique?

And the majority of my thoughts concerning this have been shallow - clothing and hair. I think part of it is being in a very … [popular girl from high school] church. And doing things that fit the mold - seminary, wanting to get married, shopping at the Gap and Old Navy, working normal hours, driving a normal car.

At least at DUMC, I was original,, fresh, new, creative, a pioneer. I want that back. How does one go about breaking free of the mold? The mold I’ve tried for so long to be a part of? Can I read a book, buy a new CD or wardrobe? I don’t think its that simple.

I can think of things I could do, but I can’t do any of them. Quit my job and start some grassroots parachurch thing. Go backpacking (braless, of course) across Europe. Go totally vegan and throw out anything I have that’s an animal by-product. Shave my head, or dye my hair blue. Sell everything I own and live on the streets, “just for fun.” But we all know I’m not going to do any of those things.

I’m feeling restless. Is that what its like to be a cookie-cutout? I wonder what the rest of them feel like? I seem to think they’re content, absorbed in the middle-class crises that affect their day to day lives.

That can’t be all there is to live - trying to be part of the majority. I don’t think that’s what Jesus did. In fact, it is the exact opposite of what He did. His cousin/friend John lived in the desert and ate locusts and honey! He was so anti-establishment they killed Him! He was so different His friends still didn’t “get it” after 3 years. He stuck out like a sore thumb everywhere He went. And yet His life was one that changed the world most. Isn’t that always the case? Those who don’t fit “the” mold make the biggest difference. Martin Luther King Jr. Mother Theresa. Ghandi. Luther and his 95 theses. And countless others.

How do I transform myself into a world-changer? Is that even possible? And what do I do with the parts of me that still want the nice hose in the suburbs with 2.5 kids and a dog and a cat?

popularity: 7%