What does 1 Corinthians 7 mean for me? I’ve read it in 3 versions and they’re all different enough to not be clear. Should I stay single? It’s not a sin to get married. And if you’re going to burn with lust…. Yet it is better to be single. I should want that for me and others - more of ourselves to devote to God’s work. But God created a society where marriage and family are endorsed and supported and encouraged - look at Adam and Eve!

SO MUCH CONFUSION!

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Elizabeth Elliot says, “Through affairs of the heart God uncovers our true intentions.” That’s why I haven’t said anything to , why I have acted the way I have. My true intention is to be obedient to God. And I believe I am being obedient.

later…

Elizabeth was talking about how Jesus became human so He could go through what we went through. And I asked myself, “Yeah, but was He ever in love?” (meaning with a young woman, romantically, marriage-oriented, that sort of thing). And the answer, in an entirely different sense, is YES. He loves us, His children. And sometimes we don’t love Him back. He’s in love with a young woman - me! He wants to be married to me - in the purest and truest sense. He has felt how I do, when I long for and don’t feel like he’ll ever return that love, when I’m lonely and just want to be held, when I’m feeling let down by my friends, abandoned by my family, and like things just aren’t going the way I want them to. He knows all of that. And there’s really no telling if He ever had any resolution, happy-ending-type on those issues. Some people never love Him back, and some of us who do don’t all the time. In His darkest hours His friends abandoned him and - end scene. He came back from the dead and it doesn’t even sound like He got a warm reception from His friends except maybe Martha and the women. It never says if He goes and sees His family or who they believe He is. And things didn’t go the way He wanted - they went the way they needed to go.

So is there solace in that knowledge? Yes - because not only did He live (and live again!), but God’s purposes were achieved and He was glorified. Obedience was and is possible.

And that’s all I want - to be obedient and do God’s will and glorify Him. Jesus came to this earth not only to save me and give me eternal life, but to show me that I could do what is required of me.

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I need to come back here when the weather is better. When comes to visit, she’s got to come see this area. I’m in a rather noisy Caribou (considering there aren’t any other customers) just on the edge of Edina and Minneapolis. I wish that used book store had been open - even though I don’t have any money it would have been cool.

This guy on a bike rode up and looked disappointed that the book store was closed. He was the kind of guy that I’ve always entertained romantic notions about. Goatee-growing, bike-riding, protest-going, 70’s earth-friendly kind of guy.

isn’t that kind of guy at all. Of course, I can’t imagine my family’s reaction if I brought that kind home, and they would totally approve of .

But I think that the best part of the romantic fantasy would be sitting in a coffeehouse (a local, not a chain) with a bunch of friends debating deep issues - spiritual, political, philosophical, whatever. And I can have that part of the fantasy with . It’ll look a little more clean-cut and not so much Woodstock, but I can deal with that.

Funny thing is, thinks he’s that guy. Maybe not a hippie, but that rebel-against-”the system.” And I think he’s more the sort of guy you’d find as a regular on a TV show about lawyers or doctors.

I suppose it comes down to not seeing any passion in him other than for Jesus and youth ministry. I don’t get other feelings from him about… anything (other than his dog dying). That still troubles me (has for a while). Don’t know what to do about it. Can’t understand why. Is it just a guy thing? Certainly don’t think so. I’ve had guy friends who were emotional about lots of things (L, , , , …). But I can think of some who weren’t, either. Maybe he just keeps them close to himself, doesn’t wear them on his sleeve.

The song on the radio reminded me of him (as if I wasn’t already thinking about him). “I”ll go wherever you will go” (The Calling) - there’s a part of me that would drop everything and go wherever if he asked me to go with him. Not all of me, because I have responsibilities and obligations and I’m not really that kind of person (flaky? spur of the moment?). No, what I would do was agree to go, but then I would plan out how long I needed to stay in order to fulfill my obligations and then work out everything.

So anyways. This place is so… perfect. I can practically see the lake from here, even though its frozen over. There are cute little shops and you can just walk around - like Geneva or Fenton. I miss not having a “downtown” - perhaps Minnetonka has one.

later…

Read the part of Passion and Purity where Elisabeth says that girls are to never tell a guy their feelings. Good, solid advice that I’ve taken for years - but where’s the biblical support?

The service at Solomon’s Porch was… interesting. Good and bad. Barely anyone talked to me. And I’m not sure that I totally agree with everything that was said. Definitely very “postmodern.” I do know that this whole postmodern thing, while very real, is very contrary to my nature. I can’t get my head fully around it, and even the parts I do understand intellectually, I can’t figure out how to implement them into ministry. I’m so confused.

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I thought I should write before reading Passion and Purity today. Sometimes it focuses my thoughts a little too much. To be honest, I haven’t thought about all that much this week. Several times a day perhaps, but not all-consuming. I’m not sure what that means.

I’m trying to figure out when I can go home next. Take a few days vacation in April like I did last year. I’d love to be there for Judson’s graduation, but I don’t think it’d be worth my time. and will probably both be so busy that there won’t be time to do much. I’ll have to check with them. I need to go back to Judson before graduation - it’ll be the last time before everyone I know leaves. How sad.

All I really want is an afternoon or two with , alone.

I’m feeling a little… lost. Like when you try on clothes that are 4 sizes too big and you’re in there somewhere, but where? That’s how this job makes me feel sometimes. There’s always this pressure to be… more (different?) than I am. I don’t like being pushed. I don’t mind it when I feel incompetent and that there are ways I need to change, things to learn. But when other people project that onto me… It’s just that there are these HUGE expectations. I was honest when I interviewed - told them exactly what I was and was not. I suppose Pastors Matt and John were honest too - they said there were high expectations. I guess I never figured how high.

Hopefully this roommate thing will work out. That should help ground me a little - having a home, living with people my age. Maybe I can start to make friends, too. Seminary should help, too. And doing the retreats with the kids and the mission trips - help to bond us together. I just don’t feel that yet. I always forget how hard the beginning is. We remember the ends, what we had become after years of shared experiences and growth and change. We forget the beginning - the awkwardness, the loneliness, the fears, the uncertainty, feeling out roles, that game we play, the dance. I need to remind myself how great year two is. Its only month three. There’s a lot more time….

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FatherGod,

Please be with [name omitted] and his family. They are all hurting in their own ways. Help his mother to find treatment for her manic-depression and heal her emotionally and spiritually from her suicide attempt. Place someone in her life who will unconditionally love her and walk with her and point her to You. Be with [name omitted]’s dad, as he struggles through this difficult time. Help him to deal with her illness and the effects it has on their life. Heal him from the hurtful words she says to him. Help him to be a good father and husband, and bring him into a relationship with You, Jesus.

And Father, be with [name omitted]. He puts up so many walls and I don’t know how to help him. I know he’s hurting, but he won’t let anyone close enough to help him. Work on his heart, Father. You are with him always. Transform his relationship with You. Please put someone in his life that he can open up to and that will help him knock down his walls. Help me to know how to respond to him, what to do, say, and how best to show him Your unconditional love. I am so inadequate - I can only do good with Your help.

And God, help [name omitted, different student] to build strong friendships within the youth group. She is really special and I don’t want to lose her. She has some strong friendships from her last church - help her to keep those but not allow them to hinder her from forming new ones.

Thank You for the opportunity of Christian roommates. Be with me as I fill out the application - please don’t let my credit history keep me from this awesome chance. I know I screwed up big time and I’m still learning. I’m trying really hard to recover and pay things back. I really would like to live with Katie and Amber - if its Your will, please work it out so that its possible.

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