I feel restless… everywhere I go. OK, not everywhere. When I’m with , or …, or a few other friends. Then I could sit forever and just BE. But the rest of the time, I feel out of place, not at home, like the world is closing in on me, as though the past and the future are tragically colliding. I’m never - arrived, complete, successful, content.

But there are parts of my life that I’m happy with, or maybe I should say accepting of, because even those parts, I sense, are on this epic journey with me towards something totally… else. Like my job (career). Like being single. And my friends.

Yes, I do want to get married (and some day in the near future, because I don’t want to be “aunt Kelly, the one who’s still single and isn’t that a shame because she’s such a nice person.” But I don’t want it so bad that I’m going to settle, or pursue something, or go against my convictions.

Doesn’t that mean I’m choosing to be single? Just because guys aren’t knocking down my door doesn’t mean that my singleness is somehow the only option, that its tragic, or sad, or pitiful, or that I’m a social leper of some kind, deemed un-datable. It really upsets me that said that, that singleness isn’t a choice if you don’t get asked. That’s not true. And like I needed that idea reflecting off my self-image.

I don’t understand how people can be so insensitive. Do they not think how their words will be heard by the listener? Are they not aware of the impact of a single word, phrase, idea? How can we be so cruel to each other?

What I wouldn’t give for a kiss at midnight tomorrow from . What a way to start 2002! It won’t happen, but a girl can dream, can’t she?

Or to be with Him, my truest lover, forever. My soul stirs, knowing how much better one moment with Him would be than a thousand with others. This whole world looks grey, faded and discolored, rainy, tragic, painful, blurry, compared to Paradise. This is a dreamworld compared to the blaring reality of Heaven. And yet it feels so real, being here, the things we go through, emotions, stories, journeys. We get so caught up in it. I get so caught up that I forget there’s more than this.

And so what if I die single and every day from how to then I am? Who cares if I never make it past the rung where I’m at now in my career? And if I never own any real property, will that change eternity somehow? If my outfit doesn’t matter, or isn’t tomorrow’s trends, will my halo be crooked? If my hair turns grey and falls out, my breasts stay small, I get a spare tire, and everything else sags, will the streets of heaven be duller? If my friends all desert me and I am left alone with no one to care for me in my old age, will the walk in the clouds be lonely? If I never read another book, say another prolific thought, nor think anything worthwhile, if my mind goes dull and useless, will I lose my way to the Gates of Splendor? If I lose the ability to speak, sing, listen, touch, taste, smell, feel, enjoy, move, will I be less able to praise my maker in the Hereafter? If the rest of my days on earth are filled with want, desire, lack, and poverty of Spirit, will my joy in Heaven be less complete?

No, no, and again, no! Whatever happens here during this but brief moment on earth, my soul belongs not to this world but to my lover. He purchased and bought me, paid for me with His blood and life. I am not my own to do with as I please. I am not this world’s to twist about in the winds. I am not the evil one’s to use and abuse. I am His and His alone. And for eternity I will dance with my lover on clouds of silver and streets of gold. We will eat the wedding feast and drink the celebration wine every day. I will be complete and holy and beautiful in His sight. I will live only to please and praise Him, to do as He wishes, with every desire in my heart. I will not grow weary of worshiping my Creator. I will not grow faint in His care. My feet will not stumble under His direction. Every part of my being will at last be His, and I will rejoice every day. How I long for the moment when that truth becomes reality!

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Tonight I recorded Dawson’s Creek and Felicity - but I only watched Felicity. It hasn’t seemed relevant this past year (Dawson’s) - I know they’re in college, but its this high-school version of it. And for someone who’s graduated college, it no longer seems to resonate with me like it used to. But Felicity… I used to think I was like her - we were exactly the same. Now I’m Noel. She has these phone conversations with Ben and these in-person ones with Noel - what the other sees is nothing, just a wall, no emotion. But they’re filled, nonetheless, with longing. And her relationship with Ben, I feel like its parallel to mine with . But I’m in love with Noel.

Is that terribly arrogant, to love Noel and feel as though he’s me?

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I’m awake at 3 am, deeply troubled by some things brought about by ’s breakup with W and by ’s comments about S. I really need to sit down and talk with , but that won’t be for another two weeks.

There’s this continual look in my head of all told me about her and W, how far they went physically and how hurt she is by all of it, and how speechless I was in response. And then there’s ’s comment about knowing there’s no future with S, and all I can think is, what are you dating him for, then?

And I just read my own thoughts over the last few years which offer no help for and nothing good for . I’m put in these situations to be of use, give advice, guide. But.

But I’m paralyzed right now. What experience do I really have to draw on? Nothing, in the eyes others. And its not that I’ve done everything right - often its been God protecting me from myself and a great deal of hurt. And when I did make the right decisions, it was only because of God’s guidance and strength to follow through.

But how does that help ? I know and I can go somewhere with her situation - partly because we share the same moral values when it comes to dating.

won’t listen to what I have to say, though. And through her eyes, I can understand why. And what do I really have to say, other than, you screwed it all up and need to do it totally different next time.

She needs to be single - for a long time. But she doesn’t understand that. Maybe can help.

Oh, it’s not like I think I’m a better person than she is. I would not have the courage to talk to like she plans on doing, but I could if I pushed myself. And she’s so emotional - doesn’t shut down like I do. And I think in several ways she’s more faithful to Jesus than I.

I need to help me figure this out. What basis do I have to give dating advice? What authority do I have? Not experience-based, for certain. Only God’s, I suppose. How can others understand that? I need to communicate that - not my advice, but God’s guidelines.

Refocus, Kelly!

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