I’m trying to think of alternative career options at this point. I know nothing about the Saline job.

popularity: 9%

It sucks to sit in a Starbucks alone with my Iced Caramel Macchiato reading my book wanting only to curl up in a ball and cry. It sucks to not be able to walk down the hallway and get a hug from or have a discussion with . It sucks to not know anybody my age within a 2 hour drive. It sucks to be pretty enough to get hit on and/or propositioned for sex but too virtuous to get asked out on a real date. It sucks to still be struggling through my parents’ divorce almost four years later. It sucks that is gonna get married before I do, although I’m not surprised, which might suck even more. It sucks to hate my apartment, my job, my town, and almost everything else about my life. It sucks not knowing about the Saline job and trying to prepare myself for the worst while hoping against hope for the best. It sucks that I won’t get to go to Judson until Homecoming - I miss my friends! It sucks when I fear that I haven’t really impacted the kids at church. It sucks to have big dreams and not be able to see how any of the pieces fit together or how any of them will ever become a reality. It sucks when I hear things on TV like AJ (the Backstreet Boy) who went to rehab for alcohol and depression and said he hadn’t felt like himself since age six, and identifying with him completely. It sucks to still be pining away for three years later with no realistic hope for anything more than a friendship. It sucks that I can’t seem to bring myself to read my Bible or pray at home. It sucks to know 16 year olds who have already done more with their lives than I have. It sucks to be so unhappy with everything. It sucks to not be able to be happy for other people. It sucks that D&C are gone. It sucks that everything at church happened the way it did. It sucks to not be able to pick out fabric to redo my couches in. It sucks to not be able to pick out a seminary. It sucks to always eat alone, sleep alone, be alone. It sucks to never be touched. It sucks to not be able to express my love for people the way I’d like to (quality time and physical touch). It sucks to always feel suffocated and like a liar. It sucks to have the free time to keep up to date on Port Charles and General Hospital.

IT JUST SUCKS.

popularity: 11%

OK, so I didn’t get what I was looking for on this trip - mainly some clarity about future job prospects. And that’s really OK, because if God doesn’t want me to know, then I don’t need to know just yet. However, it leaves me in this continued state of limbo, and I’m not sure how much longer I can live like this. It’s getting highly stressful. I have the interview with Saline when we get back, and I completely don’t feel prepared. It’s harder, because I really want this job. I know God will lead me where He wants me.

It’s so easy to be in this position and make a list of wants - this job and these friends and this location and this timing and this boyfriend… But what good does my wish list really do? If I don’t get the things, then, that gives Satan a foothold - to breed in me resentment and disappointment and anger with God. And if I do get the things, doubts come in about whether it’s really what I want or what God wants. There’s no winning.

And so I wait upon the Lord, which is a very hard thing to do normally, but especially when I’ve gotten out of relationship with Him. I’ve been in this valley for so long, and its like i have to learn all over again the basics - reading my Bible, praying, etc. How could I have let things get so undone? Time slips by so fast.

I thought this book on the Quarterlife Crisis was going to help, make me feel better somehow and guide me in my decisions. Instead, it has, by validating the crisis, made it more of one. Its OK to totally freak out, because its a crisis. Its OK to do all this stuff, make wrong decisions, change jobs all the time, move all over the country, etc, because its just that time of your life. But its not “OK” from a God-perspective (or maybe it is, because with God there’s grace).

popularity: 13%