Just turned 23. Strange age to be. I feel like I started it all wrong. Completely broke, deeply in debt, broken car, shut off phone, D&C leaving, no job prospects, and zilch on my relationship with God. And single - very single.

I want this to be a turn-around year. I want to fix my finances, which will require more self-control than I have. I want to enjoy my job, really do it right. I’ve been coasting for such a long time.

Work goals:

• Prepared lessons like I did in school
• Volunteer team
• Start becoming the kind of person I want them to be
• Confront people and stand up for myself
• Network with other churches
• Inspire the kids to be people who love to pray, desire to worship, hunger for His Word, and thirst for more of Him

Has my focus been off for so long? R & M just taught me more about ministry last night than ever before. It’s about relationships. I mean, I knew that before. But somehow it’s different. My job is to help them in their relationship with God. Have I been doing that at all? Can I do that at DUMC? Can I do that anywhere? I’m plagued by doubts. I constantly wonder if I should be doing ministry at all. I’ll never be Miss K or R. But I have nothing else to do. I’m not qualified nor trained to do anything else. I question God at every turn, wondering if I’m at all close to where He wants me to be.

And there’s my recent thoughts about no longer being single, that 23 is the year that it’ll change. It’s so… illogical, impractical, not even the distraction I need in my life. I so wanted Pastor B’s sons to be unattractive. The last thing I need is more church people on my case, and with someone right there for everyone to focus their attentions on…

I don’t think I have what it takes to change, so that 23 will be different from 22. I’ve got so much against me. I really need a therapist. And a doctor. Maybe Prozac, or electro-shock therapy (that last one was a joke). How will I ever change if I don’t believe in myself?

Now I’m not even sure what to do about my job. Do I stay? Especially now that the Ws are going. I don’t think I can stay for too long. But I don’t feel like starting over, either. The first year is so hard!

Where do I want to live? Why aren’t there jobs in St Paul? Does that mean I’m not supposed to go there?

I can’t start seminary until I get caught up on my loans. That’s going to take a while. And I have to repay the SM account.

All those black clouds. I need some blue sky.

So much to do when I get home. And me with no phone! Call A and talk to him about buying a car. Practice hymns for Sunday. Fix the bulletin boards / sign-up sheets. RM phone calls. RM books and name tags and lessons and everything else. Work at LH on Saturday. Find money to pay my phone bill, rent, NSF checks. Skate Night. Fireworks. Talk to . Check email and buy swimsuit while at church.

Make a budget for myself. Exchange birthday presents. Call and to say “thanks.” Learn how to balance my checkbook. Start reading books and working out. Thank you to D. Donation letters to D & Ds. Call the A’s. Thank you cards for birthday presents. Keep track of hours at LH for Pension Plan stuff.

Read my Bible every day. Pray. Pray for youth group kids, church, student ministries, Pastor B & family, friends, my family.

Figure out what to do about , job, friends, finances.

Looks like I’ve got a busy week ahead of me!

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