Some days, I feel like when I can’t (or won’t) express myself, God does it for me. Like on the drive here, the torrential rains. I’m so angry and sad and upset and frustrated. Mostly angry after yesterday. I have to leave. I need to be gone. I can barely stand being in the same room as some of those people. In the words of the book I’m reading, there are only arrows and no romance. Basically, this place is killing all the good in me and all the bad parts of me are thriving. I hate who I’m becoming. I’m starting to doubt if I can even make it through July.

R might be coming back too. I had to control myself just when talking to R, her sister. I’m afraid to even see her - I might not be able to stop myself from expressing a few things. Like how she ruined any chance I ever had of effectively reaching the senior highers.

Man, I can’t pray these days. Can’t read my Bible. Can’t manage to be more than “pleasant” (and not really very that) to some people.

So glad that Dana called today. I needed that. And Robin at Waukegan - seems like they really want me. And the church in Rochester Minnesota. Nothing seems “perfect” yet, but I haven’t even decided what would be perfect to me. I want to be close to and all my friends and family, but those are six hours apart, so that doesn’t work. So I don’t know. I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know.

I want to be “overcome by my love for Jesus” that I can do something extravagant, passionate, outrageous. Not even caring what others think. Completely abandoned to Jesus and Him alone. Eyes and heart set solely on Him.

I know my journey isn’t over, but I find myself wanting it to be.

popularity: 10%

I leave, and I can

…write
…journal
…be creative
…think
…remember what ministry is about
…be excited about Jesus
…cry
…have emotions
…be excited about ministry

We’re all riff-raff. That’s who the Bible says to minister to. The cool people never came to the party.

So many people die with half the music left in them. Teens today are full of music and they don’t get to play it. We squelch people’s dreams - they’re not responsible (dancer, painter, etc).

Do we condone immoral behavior? No. We redeem it.

Story of surprise wedding for the couple with a baby out of wedlock.

Throw parties!

God - like a father kneeling down, smile on His face, open arms to catch child running with glee to Him.

popularity: 9%

So self-centered! I totally forgot that today is the day D&C are going to see the other church. How insensitive! Jesus, be with them. Guide them. Give them Your strength to do this. I’m not gonna ask for them to stay, but I’m not asking them to go. Just wrap Your arms around them and give them peace, rest, calm assurance.

popularity: 14%

God,

Thank You for providing for me. Thank You for answering my requests and concerns and thank You for the answers to the things I was afraid to speak. You knew my heart and take such good care of me. It means so much to me that is willing to have me move up there. And that offers her church and moving services. And R’s help within the Covenant. And Jen’s compassionate response. And Aunt S’s too. Thank You for surrounding me with friends and family in these trying times. I know that we’re not close in body, but I know now that we are in spirit and heart. Thank You so much for that. It means more than I know.

And thank You for coming up this weekend for SN:AG. I need that.

Here I was so upset earlier this week, not knowing what to do with my feelings and situation. You totally just took me through that process in Your time. You calmed my major fears and answered my deepest wonderings without me having to beg. I guess You knew I really couldn’t handle it. The answers came so clearly this time. I know now that I’m in Your will, because I know why You brought me here - for D&C. And I know its OK for me to leave - thank You for giving me an open door. Lots of open doors. I’m not really ready to close this one yet, but I’ll do it when You tell me to - I know its right.

Thank You for showing me Your will. You know how I need that. I know I’m so selfish and all I think about is me - just look at “my plan.” That is what I want for my life. I know in my head that more than that I want to do Your plan. Its gonna be hard on my heart giving up the parts of mine that don’t fit.

I need Your robe.

popularity: 13%

God,

I don’t want to leave, don’t want to go back there. I’m not happy. Happiness isn’t everything, but its something. If it were just my social or personal life, I would throw myself into my work, suppress, regress, deny, pretend. But I don’t like my work. I’m not happy there either. I don’t like:

Being far from family
Being far from friends
The size of the community
The size of the church
The church
My progress with my job
My lack of personal life
How unmotivated I am
How little hope I have
That I’m alone
My volunteers
JL
That when (if?) I leave, I’ll feel like I’ve done more harm than good
That I’m even thinking about leaving
That I have to think about leaving
Not seeing for years
Not knowing where I’ll be in six months
Financial situation (including car)
Always being tired
An ungrowing ministry
Cold, hard people.

What do I like? Not much.

Getting to preach occasionally
Having freedom (some) within my job
RM 2001 prospects and change
R, D, B
D&C
The Rs
The Ms
Being on my own
Dallas and Montgomery
Being the one who “went off and did it”
Being in youth ministry
Being (I think?) in God’s will
Hope (but its quickly dwindling)

I know You never promised happiness. You never said I wouldn’t be miserable. Somehow, I didn’t think….

I’m not depressed. That’s something. I don’t want to go back. Tonight was the second time I’ve cried this trip. I really don’t want to leave. I don’t know if I can. I have to.

My way? I’d stay through Thursday. Take to a jazz club for his birthday. Go back well rested. Maybe see again before leaving. Get home and send out resumes. Immediate positive responses and offers and I feel God’s leading to go. And I’m gone. And I don’t even care about what I’m leaving behind. I get an awesome job where I can be debt-free fast and buy or lease a new truck. I get an apartment that lets me have two cats and a dog (and maybe some fish). Fireworks, now “Moose,” becomes mine. decides to go to seminary near me and that he’s ready for a relationship, with me. I make new friends and keep close with my current ones. is nurturing. is a Christian. I don’t worry about . and I get married, stay or move close to or other family. We have dozens of babies (OK, five). We’re a close, healthy family, and we’re close to our extended fam. Kids grow up and go to college and are successful and get married and have babies. and I are the gray-haired couple walking down the street holding hands still. We have a fiftieth wedding anniversary. After that, who knows.

I know that’s my way and I often don’t get my way. I could give up all of my dreams and be happy - as long as I know I’m in God’s will. I don’t even know anymore. How do I keep going, put up with the mundane and all the crap, do the day to day, if I don’t even know His will? How do I stand if I don’t know which rock I should be on?

popularity: 16%