When I’m depressed, I can’t focus on anything positive. It’s all negative somehow. I rationalize away the good stuff, make excuses for it. And I keep kicking myself for all the bad stuff - it’s all my fault one way or another.

What’s hard is that the smallest (and weirdest) thing can set it off. Like today, it’s because Big Lots is out of the bed I was going to buy. It’s not really that big of a deal. I don’t have mattresses anyway, so it’s not like I was going to be able to sleep on it anytime soon.

Still, it set me off.

I feel like my whole life is fake, an act. Sunday morning I’m up and about, cheery, extroverted, smiling, leading, upbeat. And for those four hours, I really do feel that way. But I get home and crash. I slept for 2 hours. (There’s a habit I’d like to break - Sunday afternoon naps.) And all that I felt earlier is… gone.

And weekdays when I’m here at work, its still this big act. I have to be so much more than I am. I hate that. I feel like I have to carry D. This job is hard enough as it is - I have no one to lean on. The wisdom part is what’s killing me right now. Sure, I know a lot of things. And I’m fairly “smart.” I was trained very well for this and I work in my field. I get to show my strengths a lot, and they’re in areas where others’ aren’t necessarily.

So I look good a lot. But I’m not wise. I’m only 22. I want to be able to make stupid mistakes, wrong decisions, and not have the roof cave in. But I don’t have that luxury. At 22, I have to be… 40. I guess I pulled a lot of that off at college, because I had my friends to run things by and help me make my decisions.

I’m lonely. I miss my friends. I want to be back at Judson. I want a hug.

And I’m angry at these people here, who so falsely represented themselves to me. I never would have come if….

This is not what I imagined at all. So naive. So stupid. And now I have to live with it. I’m not a person to break commitments. I said I’d be here for 4 years. What do I do if they all leave before then? God is silent on that one, as if to say, “We’ll cross that bridge if we get to it.” I hope we don’t.

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