This week I finally feel like a youth pastor! I was on fire Wednesday night - not for Jesus, not that way, but just… very traditional youth pastor. Outgoing, energetic, fun!

I can’t believe that L broke up with ! Don’t really know what to do about that. I really want her to come tomorrow.

Loving the atmosphere here (French Laundry). Sitting outside watching cars drive by, people walk by, cool breeze - almost fall! And its not too busy. I was afraid it would be, Friday afternoons. I’m glad, though. No youth group kids, but I needed a few moments by myself.

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Been doing a lot of reminiscing lately. Last night I read through all of my journals on my computer since I met . And tonight got the urge to listen to my tape from C - haven’t done that since who knows when. It was totally dust covered.

Junior high went good last night. Six or seven kids, more than I feared, so that was good. Totally fell in the parking lot, though, so I couldn’t do anything yesterday. Wasted my right hand and both knees. Went out for nachos at MrB’s afterwards with D&C and the M’s.

Spent most of the morning with MM, looking at Sunday School curriculum and stuff. She lent me a dozen movies and gave me gyros, too. So sweet. Spent all afternoon in the office - got new windows! On the way home I stopped by V McW’s to drop off stuff from M. We had a good chat. Called R when I got home (after a quick stop to CVS to get Band-Aids) to plan decorating. I hope some kids come tomorrow to the French Laundry. If not, at least I’ll get some good coffee.

Got a hold of , too, since she’s in Coldwater. Hopefully she’ll come out Saturday for at least the afternoon. L broke up with her Saturday. Supposedly for good this time. She’s so confused.

Glad, at least, that I don’t have to deal with that.

Praising God this morning that at least normally I have two functioning hands. Its very hard to shower with only a left hand.

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Got good work done today (even though it’s my “day off”), though not enough. First junior high youth group is tomorrow night. I’m totally not ready.

C called and asked me out for coffee. We had a good conversation. She always laughs so much at me. When she dropped me off at my car, she said she needed to go out with me for her sake, was afraid she’d offended me, etc., and was glad that we had a good conversation. And, truthfully, we have a few things in common, like age and hair color. Nice to talk over coffee with someone my own age.

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I had been invited over to the A’s for a picnic today. But when I woke up today, I didn’t want to go. Wasn’t feeling in a “people mood.” At least, not church people. And I couldn’t remember when. I never promised to go or anything, so no big deal. I spent the afternoon on the phone and took a trip to CVS and Ben Franklin - I walked - so beautiful out today (FALL!). More about the phone later, but first things first. Well, Pastor D called around 9 pm to make sure I was alive and well. That was nice. Now I know if I die in my apartment, my body will be found within a short amount of time. Genuine concern. I reassured him that I am OK, spent the day on the phone with old friends, etc. Fine. Well, he called back about an hour later. Seems he and C were worried about me being too homesick, etc. I tried to reassure him that I am OK. There are just days like that, you know? I haven’t been here very long, don’t really expect to have new friends (don’t really want them right now) and so on! I thanked him for caring, but kept telling him I’m fine.

Got off the phone that second time and wanted to cry. Don’t know why. So I called again. Its all OK now, I think. I’ll try to talk to Pastor D tomorrow or Wednesday to clear it up.

Talked to - good conversation. Such a nice long talk with . Worked through things I don’t get to talk about much. Told her about plan to go to France. It’s a go. And we got to talk about (and J) whom I had spoken to earlier, and about “dating” in general.

The talk with was good in some ways, and less than hoped for in others. Very… personal, not as intimate as I’d hoped. The first thing he said, though, was that he’d been mad at L for a while because he’d never called that day I got back from Romania. He sat at home all night waiting for the phone call! I guess he really wanted to see me. I shared with him in that, that I was frustrated as well, but that I’ll be around over Homecoming.

He shared some other stuff, too, about his walk with Christ (which, yes, is intimate stuff, but not of the nature I wanted), how he’s struggling, and I got to “help.” He actually said, isn’t this your day off?

I really wanted to ask him, why haven’t you dated anyone since coming to Judson? I’ve had that question in my mind for a while now. But it just never fit into the conversation. Will of God, I guess.

It just feels like a crying kind of a day. I hope that’s OK. I think that’s what bothered me about the Pastor D phone calls. Like I wasn’t allowed to be me with my true flaws - loneliness, sadness, depression, introversion. I’ve gotten so used to being open about those, at least with my close friends. Its still hard with them, and there’s such stigma attached (especially to “depression”). And now I guess I feel that they’re… “BAD”… instead of just “bad” or even “Bad.” Does that make sense? I’m just… afraid of being rejected in my true humanness.

And I guess I’ve come to accept that part of me - depression. Other people, I never feel like they truly understand. As if it’s a problem, or a mood. But I really feel that, for me, it’s more than that. A chemical imbalance or whatever. But also… it’s me. I’m not ready to lose that part of me, which is probably why I haven’t gotten help for it yet. It’s me, at my truest sense, my core.

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I’ve got to learn to be more ritualistic. Or at least… habitual. Train myself. Catch the flow, the pattern of this new lifestyle.

Very frustrating conversation with C last night. About dating attitudes. Couldn’t seem to get my point across. Not terrible, because she’s already married, but she will be teaching at least by lifestyle, the youth and others. Everybody doesn’t have to be the same - I’m fine with other people holding opinions that are different than mine. It bothers me, however, when I’m not allowed to have my opinion. Or when people who are basically my age try to give me advice or guide me when I don’t ask for it. The girl might be married and have gone through a lot, but she is by far NOT my elder.

I know that my thoughts on dating are… different. But not original. And they are idealistic, too. Aren’t most theories? I know its not going to happen one certain way. But I believe that God’s got the situation under control. So if I’m doing what I’m supposed to, then it’ll happen. And if I’m in the wrong somehow, He’ll correct me. Either way, I have faith in God and I trust Him, that if He plans and desires for me to be married, then He’ll work it out. And I don’t need to stress about it, or pursue anything, or even search for it. All I have to do is be obedient to Him, be His faithful servant, seek out His will for my life, continue to open myself up for change by the Holy Spirit, and abide in Him.

“The Second Day”

-Kendall Payne

I know some things never change

But this can’t be one of them

And I don’t think I can stand it

Any longer

Are you scared?

Are you scared?

Are you scared?

‘Cause if you’re scared

You’re not alone

I once thought I was brave

But I can’t stop crying

Sometimes I think I’m going crazy

But I am waiting patiently

Though I fear it may all be in vain

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