Well, obviously returned to the states alive and well. 20 hours of traveling that day. Got to see friends (L, M, ) and family (, ) while in Illinois. Trying to get into the swing of things here in my new life. I feel like I’m doing it all wrong somehow. Parents’ Meeting tonight went well, I think. Very anxious to start the fall programs. Nervous, but can’t wait either. Funny schizophrenic me. I feel very… supported by people. There’s so much I want to do with the kids (or just get kids), but I don’t really know HOW. Very frustrating. I’ll figure it out.

Talked to yesterday. Good conversation. She told me she loves me. Talked about her boyfriend, W - he’s Catholic. I was telling her about this dress I bought in Hungary, in hopes that would take me to Homecoming. She said the same thing did - I thought you were over him. Tried to explain that its just… different now. After all, I live 300 miles away, he’s got at least 2 years of school left. I don’t see how things can work out right now. But I’m not worried - God’s got everything under control. It wouldn’t even make sense for to be “dating” right now, so why bother being all hung up over it. I’m trying to be an adult. But that all said, it doesn’t mean that I’ve stopped loving him or wanting to be closer to him. It just means I’ve accepted the circumstances.

Quite honestly, the idea of being just friends or less with him for the next five years plus (Judson plus grad school) is nearly unbearable. I know God’s working (or should I say, worked) it all out, though. He’ll provide - and always does. My husband and I, whoever it ends up being, will come together in the right time, when I’m ready, he’s ready, and its God’s will. No use in trying for anything else. Don’t really want anything else.

I really want to call . He’s been on my mind all week. Want to make sure he knows I’m coming back for Homecoming (wouldn’t ask otherwise if he thinks I’ll be in Michigan). Also have wanted to ask why he hasn’t had a girlfriend in the last 2 years. Curious about his answer. Don’t want to be initiating anything. But I do want to be building our friendship. I don’t see anything wrong with that.

Enjoying the 5 Points of Calvinism. Agreeing with all of it so far. Hmm.

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One day soon, I’ll be with You

One day soon, when life is through

One day soon, I’ll be forever with You

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Going home tomorrow! So excited. Budapest is a gorgeous city! I could so live here.

“You Move Me” by Susan Ashton

This is how it seems to me
Life is only therapy:
Real expensive and no guarantees
So I lie here on the couch
With my heart hanging out
Frozen solid with fear
Like a rock in the ground

But you move me
You give me courage I didn’t know I had
You move me
I can’t go with you and stay where I am
So you move me

Here is how love was to me
I could look and not see
Going through the emotions, not knowing what they mean
And it scared me so much
That I just wouldn’t budge, no-no
Might have stayed there forever
If not for your touch

Oh, but you move me, yeah
Out of myself and into the fire
You move me, oh
Burning with love and with hope and desire, now
You move me

You go whistling in the dark, making light of it, making light of it
And I follow with my heart, laughing all the way

Oh, ’cause You move me
You get me dancin’ and you make me sing
You move me, oh
Now I’m taking delight in every little thing and
How you move me

You move me
You move me
You move me

later…

I’m sitting in the window at the hostel. Just took a shower; my hair is still wet. There’s a beautiful cool breeze. A is inside playing guitar. The city lights are blurry in my glasses. I don’t even know what to say. There aren’t really any words for this moment.

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van to Budapest. Long, hot, tired. Praising God again for delivering me from my affliction today. He sat by me in the van. Slept on me, actually. Glad to be in Hungary. So beautiful, so different from Romania. Very cool (not in temperature) Youth Hostel. Very confusing to switch to another unknown language and currency, trying always to convert something. I keep wanting to say “multumesc” to people instead of thank you.

Frustrating for me to debrief. Every time I’m ready to say something, either someone else starts talking or S switches subjects. Did get to share some things, though.

I’m ready to go home. English language. Dollar bills. Cooking my own food. Air conditioning. Montgomery. See my family and friends (?). Buy a car. Basically get on with my life which I was having such a fun time with.

Bought a really beautiful formal dress today, secretly hoping I could wear it to Homecoming and go with . Gotta lose a little more weight first. Would be way cool to get down to 120/125 for one (last?) time. Ooh. Maybe my first diet! How exciting. What great motivation.

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Long day. Didn’t go to church. Good to get some rest. By the time evening church was over, I was feeling pretty good. I’m very hot, and tired too (it’s past 3 am), so not feeling super good. Said goodbye to the kids. Bebeta was hard to get rid of. Thought she was going to cry there for a minute. Have to leave Romania in less than 3 hours.

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Very sick. Fever. Sunburn hurts. Dizzy. That sick feeling in my mouth. 15 minutes, give or take, and I can go to sleep. Waiting for the Aleve to kick in. I’m afraid to go to sleep feeling this bad.

Today was icky. Had to get up too early for a Saturday. Tons of walking, feet always hurting. Got a cool pair of shoes. Hot at the Strand. Almost lost it with C. I don’t know if I would have been yelling or crying. Probably both. On the verge of tears all day. Not enough strength. Watched “The Patriot.” I’m kinda glad, because I probably never would have watched it otherwise. Good, I guess. Wanted to cry through most of the movie. Got a real sweet present from Bebeta.

More deliverance, yesterday and today. So glad that I found out he’s involved - just in time. Last night the guys came in from their showers to talk, in their boxers as usual. But last night, he was wearing these short cotton ones that were terrible. Saw a little too much. Could have killed him tonight, getting upset with us for trying to leave. Very moody.

And has come back into my mind. Not a lot, but just enough.

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Still in Oradia today. Got up early to go to the market - breakfast consisted of a fresh banana. Long walk to the mall (for only a 20 minute stay!) - thankfully took the tram back. Lunch in the school cafeteria (tour in the a.m.) then quickly off for an incredibly hot train ride back to Arad. Quick trip to DU’s before pizza night. God delivered me (or at least offered me the way) from my affliction through a conversation Many started that I just heard the two of them talking. He has a “more than a friend” - and for a long time, too.

Pizza night was good - Dana and Moni came! And I got to go swimming and play with the boys in the water. Been missing that for a long while. Got to email and and and , and got an email from MS which I quickly returned. Good conversations with the past few days. Good conversations back here at DU’s. “What are your pet peeves?” “What do you want most for your life?” I hope I didn’t sound to… I don’t know, when I answered that. I hope the answer is true: to do the will of God and know that I’m doing it. Yeah, there are tons of things I want, but if I don’t get any of them, I’ll still live a fulfilling life if I’m doing His will. I’ve learned that this past year. Its about dying to self for Christ. I want a husband, a family, a ministry. But I will not pursue these if God chooses them NOT for my life. Good conversation with DU too, about boys and dating and friendships and love. Very late. (3:30!)

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Getting so annoyed. I would be fine if he weren’t there all the time. I try to lose him, and it doesn’t happen. Walking to lunch - speed up, slow down, speed up again - NOTHING. Still right there. Silent, trying to pay attention to my surroundings. Still no effect. Finally he starts a conversation. Its not that I don’t like him as a person - I just don’t need this right now. And then I find myself second-guessing. What if he really is interested? I don’t want to discourage him in the long run. I just don’t need this RIGHT NOW. These few days. I don’t know how I’m going to last one more week. 6 days.

“I Will Never Be”

I will never be the same again
I can never return
I’ve closed the door
I will walk the path
I’ll run the race
And I will never be the same again

Fall like fire
Soak like rain
Flood like mighty waters
Again and again
Sweep away the darkness
Burn away the chaff
And let the flame burn
To glorify Thy Name

later…

Doing much better. Got to vent to - very healthy. Was still frustrated until dinner. He was just always there. Sat down at dinner (Kelly’s Irish Pub) at a table alone, but he was right behind me and sat down too. Had an enjoyable but male-dominated conversation, the 4 of us (3 guys). After eating, R got up to go scavenging, and then D got up too. I was still eating, so we talked for a while. Asked him what a dream for his life was. Instant response - to get married and have two kids and live in Wisconsin. Talked a while longer about his ministry passions (rather similar flavor to mine). Came away feeling… better, not so aggravated.

The orphanage was a lot different than I expected. Very bright, cheerful, loving.

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More trials with focus today, although I am quicker, I think, to recognize the moment. Bebeta asked me if I liked any of the boys on our team. I thought for a moment, trying to figure out what to say. I told her that I didn’t, but I could, if I wanted to. I explained that I didn’t need any distractions, anything to take away my focus.

Lavinia sat with us too. Sweet girl, but real quiet. I tried to make sure she wasn’t forgotten. Tried to love on her for a while.

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And so, in buying a pair of earrings, I am reminded of that silly boy. Ah, yes, that one. We’re on the train back from Timisoara. Its very hot. I bought the earrings and a ring.

later…

Constant… surrender today. I think that and I must have been praying at the same time. The boys were going to watch TV, but found nothing on, so they sat down to talk. I was trying to read my Bible, but he was there, sitting at the end of the bed. Not a long while later, he said he was getting tired, fast. I started to pray for him to leave, and a few minutes later, he did. What a relief. Too much distraction.

Timisoara was fun, but we weren’t there long enough. Tonight when the kids came was fun for a while. Bebeta was real sweet, holding my hand and leaning on me and kissing my forehead. She was complaining that she doesn’t speak good English, her hair is bad, and she’s fat. Hardly! Such a sweet girl. One of those great conversations without words. She slept for a while on my lap, me combing her hair with my fingers. I believe God is going to do great things in her. I gave her Jeremiah 29:11.

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I write by moonlight tonight, hanging out the window in the cool night breeze. I was enjoying it so much, but I had to stop for a moment to capture it. The crickets again are chirping. A dog barks and is answered by many. Not many stars are visible, but the moon is full. It has, however, remained hidden behind a dark cloud for quite some time. Lightning flashes. The trees rustle with a fresh breeze that blows my hair, wet from a cool shower. The clouds that were not moving have, in a moment, been swept away, revealing the beauty of the moon as it shines on the clouds. I feel as though the moon, lightning, crickets, and breeze are a sign, but of something much deeper that I cannot grasp. Now the wind picks up, blowing hard, for but a moment.

I like looking out at all the apartments, trying to figure out what some are doing. The bluish flicker of a TV, clothes drying out the window, lights on and off.

I have a sense of an emotion stirring, deep, but out of my grasp. A little sadness, but something else. Hope? Love? I cannot tell.

I want this, this window with the breeze, to sit in it and take in the life all around me. City, with buildings, but nature, too, with trees and grass and crickets. Where can I find this in the states? I do not want to move here, am not feeling that per se. I could not do what I want here (being a woman and all). Are there US cities that are closed by 11 pm? Where? And why am I in Holly? I feel no reason to leave.

The moon is again covered by a dark cloud, this one bigger than the last.

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’s birthday today! 20! Wish I could have called. Church today. BIG lunch. Nap for a looong time. Church again. Walked by the river, played in the park, went to McDonalds. No more Lei. Walked ALL the way home, but it was good. Good conversations. There was a neighborhood we walked through that DU said was not good. and I had been arm in arm and in a good conversation, but we switched and walked arm in arm with D. Fun to talk to him. Good conversations back at DU’s. Boys went to bed, and M and I talked for a while too.

It’s so quiet - I want to enjoy the crickets chirping and the blackness of night. I wonder if its cool outside. I would like to go for a walk outside, but not unescorted this late. And I would probably get lost.

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Camp is over today. In Arad, at DU’s. McDonalds, Internet. Sleep. Long goodbyes at camp. Hope some of them will write. Feel good about the week.

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What a beautiful day! Should be good for hiking. I’m not as tired as I thought I would be. I think class is going well. Hard to get a few still to speak. Took some pictures. Dana and Mony have well-marked Bibles. How cool.

Two weeks still until I go home. That’s a long time. Camp ends in two days. It’ll be interesting to see how it all ends, where the pieces fall. I can’t quite tell what God is doing here. I don’t really see life change. Who expects to after only three days? But still. It’s not at all like what I’m used to, encouraging and strengthening and challenging Christian kids in their walk. Instead its a roundabout way to present the Gospel and talk about faith to kids who either aren’t Christian or who are in their heads but not in their hearts. I don’t see how I fit into that picture.

Adela and Andrea and Lavi have been using Dana and Mony’s Bibles to look up the verses for the journaling. Very good to see.

I still don’t see how anything short term can truly be effective here. Part of it is challenging the way people think, which is a long and tedious task. Like, to be a youth pastor maybe. But I don’t speak Romanian, nor do I want to leave my country, nor do I feel called to.

later…

Had some very good conversations during the hike, with Andrea, Lavi, Dana, and Karin. More tomorrow.

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I think class is going very well today. Eric said that they understand English very well, so it must be that they don’t understand the concepts. A lot of them were having trouble finding examples from their lives. If they have any faith, it’s not applied to their lives. They’re like my junior highers in that sense - all head and no heart.

I’m feeling good about this. I got a shower today, and shaved! Feel all clean. was actually pretty sensitive to me, in a good way. That made me feel good.

A good song they’re journaling on today.

“Crash and Burn” by Savage Garden

When you feel all alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please
To take your wild, wild heart

Let me be the one you call
If you jump I’ll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You’re not alone

later…

I’m very frustrated because I don’t really have anything to write lately. I feel kind of… stopped up, emotionally. As though, over time, I’ve had enough hurts that I started out becoming numb to them, but ended up just… numb. How does one go about de-numbing?

Another problem/thing I’ve noticed about myself. If there’s a man around, I prefer him to take the lead. I don’t mind being taught, being servient. I tread lightly. But when its all girls, I have no problem taking the lead if necessary. Maybe its not an absolute, but still it worries me. Why? It makes it hard to be a leader if, well, you’re not. I like the idea of submitting to my husband, and to God, but why all men [except maybe a few ]? I don’t understand!

Hopefully it won’t be as cold tonight. Discussion was very good tonight in group. Their journals were, too. I feel the kids opening up to us. But I don’t feel as if we’re really getting through, about the important things. The language barrier doesn’t help. But some of it is that they’re just starting way below a level I’m used to in Christianity. And the thought processes aren’t there. Logic, concrete, abstract… they aren’t used to the same thinking as I am. Not that we’re not being effective, but I feel like there’s so much more they need than we can give them in a week of camp.

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