I don’t understand what’s going on. I don’t think I like anymore. I’m not definitely sure about that, but… that’s where I’m leaning. Its not even entirely an emotional decision, but more with my head. My feelings are just kinda following suite. I get this queasy feeling thinking about going to Chicago with him and especially about dancing with him at A&N’s wedding. I’m not very good at hiding my emotions or how I feel about people.

Its a highly logical thing to not like him anymore. He obviously doesn’t have the same feelings for me. He doesn’t even know how to say no, and that’s why we’re still friends. I’m just not that important to him. He doesn’t… respect, is that the right word?… me enough. I deserve so much more. I know I’ve said that I would be so honored if he was God’s choice for me, because he’s so wonderful, etc. And in many respects, I feel I don’t deserve him. But… I deserve more in a relationship. There’s a man out there who will actually pursue a relationship with me, who will love me and not treat me like crap. As much as I want that man to be , I don’t think he is.

I could be totally wrong. I could be reading this whole situation wrong, and may change things completely in the next two weeks. But I’m not holding my breath. And I won’t be completely broken up about it if things stay exactly the same.

What a change in me! I’m feeling a little lost. Not a terrifying or scary lost, but at least a wandering feeling.

It’s too much change for just a few weeks. I don’t think I can handle it. Elgin - St Charles - Holly/Davisburg. - no . Student - college graduate - youth pastor. Old friends - new friends, married friends - lost friends - family changes. Not only am I lost, but so is everything and everyone around me.

It’s gonna be alright. He says (does God use slang?). I have you in My hands. I will never let go. You are Mine. You’re not lost - you just can’t see what I do.

God, I’m scared and confused and I don’t know what to do or who I am or anything anymore. Everything’s upside down. You’re all I have, and i don’t even know how to get to You.

My peace, child, My peace.

later…

“If you were mine, if you were mine,” Fernando Ortega sings, about all the things he’d do, like sing and protect and love. But that’s the problem. You’re not mine. Never were. I was only pretending, wanting it to be true. Well, I’m returning you to your rightful owner.

And to my owner, I say, I surrender. I have forged my own path instead of walking in Your footsteps. And now, after struggling for so long, I give up. Please pick me up, place me on Your path. Help me not to stray, to follow You instead of my selfish desires, to walk in Your path instead of stumbling my own. I was wrong. You are always right. Please forgive me. Your way, not mine.

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