My goodness, if you could make someone’s head explode by boring them to death with lecture, I’d be long gone and dead. Anyway.

called last night. I missed the call because I was in class. I had this strange thought that he was calling to ask me to Homecoming. Not entirely rational. I can’t believe L knows I like ! He wouldn’t tell me how he knew… I want to know!

I found out last night that my feelings for him are still very strong and that my love is the same as it was at the beginning of the summer. I was praying (almost selflessly) for his (future) marriage and his future and… I just care about him a whole lot and want what’s best for him. And I so much want to do everything right. I’m so afraid of messing things up. I suppose that if its meant to be, I can’t mess it up. That’s not much of an encouragement to me though. I’ve got to get Passion and Purity back from .

popularity: 9%

It’s amazing how God works. The promise He had me make was at the perfect time. I was, really, out of control. The concept of boys being around that I could actually like and show it, overwhelmed me. After a whole summer of trying to avoid that (and not doing a very good job) and a whole semester before that focusing on only one boy, being in a new but safe situation left me not knowing how to act. So I was flirting dangerously and I was focusing too much on boys. My focus has been “off” for way too long. I find it amazing that after the initial shock and frustration and “feeling it out,” its actually been pretty easy.

My promise has put my feelings for into focus, perspective. And it’s majorly cooled my feelings for . (It’s also helped that I never see him and when I do we ignore each other.) Plus, its channeled my feelings for C elsewhere. I shouldn’t only like someone because they’re gorgeous - he happens to be a person too.

So its actually been a very interesting week since my covenant with God. I’m slightly disappointed that I still am at the same place with God. I’m just… stuck right now. I don’t have words to pray with, a passion in my heart for anything. I’m very apathetic about everything these days. I can see God at work in my life and can be obedient and can even be nice to people and evidence outward fruits. But inside, there’s no emotion, motivation, passion, heart-stuff.

People go in and out of “slumps” though, so I’m not worried.

I really do think that I suffer from some sort of depressive disorder. I’m not really sure what to do about that. I don’t have money right now to go to a therapist. I don’t have money right now for anything. I just found out I should be saving for Australia and I guess I should be saving for Mexico too. I hope my paycheck this week is more than I expect it to be. Or that I can get money out of my student account.

Blah blah blah. Only five minutes left of class, praise God! Such a hard class to sit through. I think my hair is doing funky things today. My life seems to lack depth since my promise to God. Most of my feelings and thoughts had to do with guys. And now that’s not an option. I have to rebuild myself. Again.

popularity: 10%

God, this is a rough place to be in. I know what You’re asking of me and that I must be obedient, but I don’t want to be. I don’t know if I’m ready for this. I haven’t figured out all the details yet but I’m sure You’ll clarify them as You see fit. So here it is, in all its roughness. I give You myself as black coal, knowing full well Your refining fire will turn me into a diamond in the end. I covenant with You, FatherGod, to not date or get involved in a serious relationship (romantic), or any romantic relationship, until You let me. I hope that in return You can promise me that if I am obedient to You, my marriage will last “till death do us part” and I will get to have a 50 year wedding anniversary. That’s a lot to ask, I know. And I know I’m not ready to give You what You ask for, but I offer it anyways. Please take my un-eager will and change it. Teach me, FatherGod, Your ways. Show me the little things. Reveal Yourself to me. Be my strength, because I know I can’t do this without You. Father, I can’t do this and I don’t want to do this but I obey anyways. How can You ask this of me? If only to show Your holiness through my life, it is worth all.

popularity: 10%

So it’s Labor Day, and the rest of the world isn’t functioning except Judson. and are having a cookout or something at her place, so I’m going for a while. I feel a little awkward about it, but it’ll be good relations.

I got so fed up the other day with guys in general. Between and and the rest, they take up so much time and energy - I barely have anything left over to give to God. I don’t want it to be that way.

My heart is so broken over . Somehow I ended up liking him way more than I should. At least we didn’t have to “break up” but that’s only because we were never “together.” It’s hard because I had to make the choice to be obedient, to not follow my heart but follow God. I had to choose against the one thing that is so important to me - love - and choose instead to remain single, alone, and still waiting for he who God has chosen for me. It was an easy decision at first - my feelings weren’t as strong and I was really confused; God clarified my thoughts and led me in the direction He wanted me to go. The problem, the hard part, is follow-through, living with my decision to be obedient to my Master.

And who can I truly talk to about this? I don’t know if anyone will really understand or if I can even explain it. I can’t even talk to him about it either, because even though we’re both going through this, I don’t think its a good idea. It would only create more problems and intensify feelings.

popularity: 10%