I don’t know why I bother worrying about things. God always takes care of me. I was so stressed about seeing for the first time - what to say, what to do, how to act, etc. And God worked it all out. I can’t really read him - and I suppose I’m being a little weird too. I think it’s just… feeling the situation out.

The funny thing is that I keep finding myself checking out other guys. There’s a bunch of cute transfers - older, too. So many new faces. And I’m totally not used to seeing so many available guys, especially after this summer.

I don’t know. I don’t know anymore. I keep seeing , feel drawn to him all the time. I want to make all these little gestures - but I don’t. I have no idea why. I don’t want to come off as if I’m pushing him. But I also don’t want to give him the cold shoulder. I feel like I’m dancing somewhere around in the middle.

And then there’s the… well, if I’m single, shouldn’t I be able to act like it, enjoy myself? I should be able to hang out with my guy friends and not feel guilty, check out the new guys and not feel like I’m betraying someone.

I guess I’m just a little confused right now. Clarity will eventually come.

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Dear sweet, precious, , my heart is with you tonight. I cannot stop feeling for you. I hope and pray all is well and you are not on my mind because you’re in trouble. I pray God be with you tonight and you feel His love surrounding you. I pray His guidance and protection on you. I guess I got a little more attached than I thought. You’re not alone in this struggle. But we both know God is in control and His will is best. I will praise Him for that in the midst of this pain and longing.

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The flight home. I’m… speechless. gave me a letter before I left. Made me real glad I had written one too. He paid me a big compliment -

“you make me want to be a better man.”

Stolen from a movie, but… who cares? What a thing to say! I feel… I don’t know what. Exuberant, joyful. I did something this summer, I changed someone’s life. I know it was Jesus in me, the Spirit’s prodding and moving so in my heart this summer, that drew me ever-nearer to and made me love him the way I do. The whole situation makes me wish that things aren’t the way they are. And if were His choice, I would have to learn to be very patient, because he has a long way left to go before he’s ready for a relationship. Not that I don’t still have to be patient for… whoever. So hard to restrain myself - I want to write him back now. Best to avoid moments of high-emotion and sentimentality.

Going home. Returning. There’s a lot waiting for me. , , , , C, , new roommates, ’s email, a retreat with people I don’t know, a crazy class schedule that needs to be changed, a room to move from and move into, a huge stack of mail, the list continues. Hopefully, too, sun, warm weather, shorts, thunderstorms, puddle-jumping, stars, Tyler Creek, anything Judson, , B, , L, , “the boys” J&J, E (and G), television, my purple quilt, my teddy bear, old movies (”Indiscreet“)…. It will be good, I think.

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I had a really good conversation with last night. We talked for almost two hours. I leave here in two days and so I was being really bold and forcing him to have a real adult conversation. But the end result was really good and I’m glad. Tired, but glad. We’ll see how it all continues to play out. I hope that now we will be friends after I go home. He really needs friends, someone he can talk to about anyone and who’s not going to run away or hate him or whatever. Can I be that person? Is that responsible?

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I had this horrible, awful, terrible dream last night. It was the first nightmare I’ve had since… junior high, I think. I lay awake for almost an hour afterward, unable to get the pictures out of my mind.

and I had been on some kind of a date, a carriage ride maybe. It was breakfast, and we were at a school cafeteria. I was standing outside the doors talking to some male professor. Then I went in and he had set up a special table and had made me oatmeal and brought me tea. I had a huge grin on my face.

Then we were driving down a dirt road. I was driving, and I remember having to be extra cautious because one of the sets of wheels had gotten loose and had rolled down the road (from the carriage) and somehow it was kind of ’s fault because he was forgetful but it was going to be OK. I was watching the road, and coming up there was a turn. The area was all wooded and trees were grown above the dirt road. Suddenly around the corner came another car. I think they hit the missing runaway wheels, but I’m not sure. A girl was driving and her boyfriend was with her. Sometimes it was her and him, sometimes it was and me - we kept switching places. Their car spun off the road, all in slow motion. She asked him, as they were spinning, did we hit anything? Are you OK?

Then they hit this huge brick wall. I was alone, then. The car I was in and disappeared. I was running down the road because I knew the car was going to explode. I ran for a long time. Finally I was near some houses. They were all watering their lawns. I looked back because it was strange that there hadn’t been an explosion yet. Then I saw this HUGE high school, far away, at least five stories high, go up entirely in flames, as if from a gas leak. I saw the swimming pool go up in flames, as if it were gasoline and not water. The water-pressure on the sprinklers went down, and then they were small fires. We didn’t know what to do. I was with some people I vaguely knew. We knew we couldn’t go in the house because it would soon explode. So we got in the car and drove away.

That was it. I woke up. I couldn’t stop seeing the explosions in my eyes for a long time after that.

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Jesus, I can’t afford to get my hopes up. I’ll be hurt so bad. Not that You can’t put the pieces together. But how can I not get my hopes up when… those things he said? How do I keep myself in check? is one of my few joys right now - is it OK to indulge myself? Still no, not even then, maybe even especially not then. But not to indulge… what will eventually harm me more?

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It has since passed, but I can still vividly remember my thoughts, feelings, fears. And although it is gone from my immediate senses, it is always lurking around the corners of my life, waiting for a weakness in the walls of my fortress to again attack.

Darkness. Not physical, but… oppressive. And though I hate it, hate being this way, I have no desire to fight the depression which threatens to overwhelm, overtake me. In fact, I find myself giving in, to thoughts, moods, feelings, doing things to in fact deepen the darkness. Only a small part of me now fights. And I think I only fight out of fear. Thankfully, I am not suicidal. But just because I don’t want to take my life doesn’t mean there’s nothing to fear. The depression, it makes me want to… lie in bed all day, sleep constantly, see and talk to no one. That’s not… life.

Its gone, now. But it will return. Unexpectedly, it will return. My own personal demon, I suppose. My real fear? That I have a real problem. Funny, that really suffering from… what? depression? something like that, is scarier than if I don’t really have a problem. If I don’t, then what? Is it all made up? But I don’t… want to be treated as a mental patient, crazy. I don’t know what to do. I have been resisting going to a therapist for so long. What will it take for me to give in? I am so afraid of what they would say.

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wrote on my affirmation sheet…

“Kel - you’re a sister to me. We coulda been…. God’s given you
many gifts in leadership, friendship, and knowledge. Thanks for sharing
yourself with me - your half-second smile, you trying to hide a big laugh with a
poker face, your loveliness overall. I know you’ll do well at all your
works in school and afterward. Be so generous with your life and
soul. Don’t fear to give all of you. You’re so beautiful throughout
as a friend and sister in Christ. May God guide you to greater depth in
Him and ministry later on. Miss you, Kel. Your bro, .”

Oh, how I wish he were still here! He only left a few hours ago, around one this afternoon. Its only been recently that I have begun to treasure him. I am surprised at his boldness. “We coulda been….” Now I am so glad I wrote him that farewell letter. Funny, I was reading my journal from throughout the summer, and my feelings for him have totally changed. All it would take would be the slightest push, from him or from God, and I would totally like him. Its all the little things about him that I will forever store up in my heart. I am so glad to know that there are men like him out there. Obviously nothing is meant to be between us, at least for a long time if something is there. I’m so amazed at… everything about him. Such a gentleman in every way possible, and always listening to God’s guiding. I am so treasured and blessed to be able to know him.

As I have stored up those things about , and put them alongside all the other cherished memories I have, I keep remembering more about my conversation the other day with . Amazing to me that it was only two days ago. Its harder, now, to be here without him. I want to be back at Judson and have him around all the time. I wanted to call him today, last night. I can’t and I won’t, but that doesn’t stop the desire. Its still so hard for me to believe - incredulous, really. I keep remembering our past, like him telling me his plan for having a lasting marriage, the first (and only time since then) time he told me he loved me, Linnae telling me that he told her he liked me and thought I was beautiful. I can’t believe it all. He liked having his arm around me. He initiated things. He prays for me daily. Why is it all so hard to believe? Guys have liked me before, said things that were far more revealing, much more personal. But it’s . He’s so different than anyone. I’ll continue to try to grasp the depth of it all.

I just had a very troubling thought. I didn’t tell him that I liked it. God is in control. must know how I feel. Can I tell him, in my email? It’s not really an email thing. Hmmm. I’ll have to pray about that one. So much to think about.

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